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Harry Potter & Six Pack Joe Harry Potter & Six Pack Joe
by Alexander Mikhaylov
2009-02-13 09:20:18
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Neighbor: Hey, Joe, have you read any Harry Potter books?

Joe: Hell, no man! Am not reader, not as such, ya know. Those books are damn huge! But the movie was cool, am telling ya. I mean, o’course it is kiddies' stuff but I kinda liked it. 

N: I haven’t seen any of them. What was that all about?

Joe: Well, it’s kinda ‘bout magic, ya know. It’s like, well, there was this young dude Harry Potter who was living with his uncle and aunt, ’cause he got no parents of his own, and well, this uncle of his, he was a huge fat bastard and his aunt was this poker-faced lady, juss like this bitch who lives across the road, you know who Am talking about. Oh yeah, and they had a kiddo of their own, a huge fat bastard too, lemme tell ya straight. But anyway… Where was I? Oh yeah. So these relatives of his were complaining a lot like, Stop makin’ this goddam magic ‘round this house’, but Harry Potter went like ‘Whas the Hell?’ So these relatives flew off the handle, ‘cause there was plenny of magic ‘round their place by that time anyway, so they all went to some island. And so they been chilling off down there a bit but then this other uncle came…

N: Another uncle?

Joe: Well, hell, I dint figure that out right, who he was and stuff like that but anyway, this time it was a really huge bastard, all hairy and all. And his name was, hey! Hold on a minute… Har…Har… Harrit or somefin’, weird name, huh? but anyway, he went like ‘Hey, here’s my boy. Brought you cookies, buddy, and this here letter.’ And Harry Potter went like ‘What kinda letter?’ and this other uncle went like ‘It says here, I recon, that you hafta go to school to get magic education, and no sweat.’ And the other uncle, and his poker-faced missus flew off their handles mighty bad then and went like ‘He’s ain’t going!’ But this hairy uncle went like ‘Who the Hell are ya’ll to talk big roun’ here? Shut ya big mouth, like.’ But dig this! It was kinda cool: I mean, while they were hollerin’ and stuff this son of poker-faced lady nicked cookies and started to nibble on ‘em a bit and the hairy uncle lost his cool and pocked him in the ass with his umbrella, and made him to wear piggy tail, like, and natr’lly, the whole family had hysterics then and while they were at it, the hairy uncle and Harry Potter split. 

N: Oh yeah? Interesting…

Joe: Yeah, Am telling ya!

N: So, what happened next?

Joe: Well, they went to London, and there they had fun and popped into some pub for a coupla drinks and stuff, but then Harry Potter went like, Am broke! And his uncle went like ‘Hey! No problemo!’ and they went outside and the uncle pocked the wall with the umbrella and it sorta like opened up and there was this street, you know, full of weirdoes and shit, and so they went down the street and into the bank to get ‘em some cash, you know. Oh! And this uncle of his told him, like ‘Hey, dude! You’re bein’ famous ‘roun here, lemme tell ya.’ And Harry Potter went like ‘No way, man.’ And the uncle said ‘Dontcha have that queer scar on ye heid?’ And yeah, you bet he really had that scar and it looked like ‘z’ … a bit, you know, like ZZ – Top band symbol or something. So he pointed on that ZZ-Top scar and said ‘Hey, you’re practic’ly a celebrity now.’ And so they went to the bank and there was this ugly bank teller dude, and he looked like a typical corporate asshole, and all other tellers were ugly assholes, but anyway… They opened for them some kinda safe and wow! It was full of gold and dough and stuff, and the hairy uncle went like ‘See? Your pop left you plenny of this shit so you don’t hafta worry your pretty heid ‘bout dough no more!’ And so they grabbed some and went to a train station.

N:  Why did they go to the train station?

Joe: Well, but I was telling ya, man, this Harry Potter dude was bound to go to some special school, you know. And this hairy uncle gave him some kinda magic ticket ‘cause there was no such platform in the whole blessed place but at the end, he spotted some weird lady, who looked like a bag lady, with a few guys in the tow, and she told him, ‘No fear, kiddo. Juss run hard and bump yer heid onto that wall over dere, and you’ll get yourself to the right place.’ And Harry Potter reckoned at first it was bullshit but then he saw like other kiddies bumped their heids on the wall, and it was all right and no harm done, so he did the same, like, and broke into that platform, anyhow. And so he was riding on a train and there was this other boy whom he spotted bumping his head onto the wall while back and it turned out his name was Weasley and he was heading to the same school. By this time there came along some sales lady, who was selling candies right on the train, and Harry Potter went like ‘Hell, I can afford helluva everything now, maybe even the train isself’, and he dug up his precious dough and bought the whole damn load of those candies, and they were ‘bout to eat ‘em but they din’t reckon beforehand those candies were magic candies, so all those candies ran out of the window in no time at all. So there was the only empty box left, with some ol’ man on the cover, and this ole old man kept winking to Harry Potter in dirty-like fashion for a while then he beat it too, so they ended up with juss’ an empty box.

N: Wow!

Joe: Wow, you betcha! Then some girl turned up in their compartment, all smarty-tarty like, with this huge kinky perm on her heid, and her name was Herpi… Herpionas… Harmonas…shit! and she spotted Harry Potter right away, ‘cause of his ZZ-Top scar, and she went like, ‘Wow! I know you, man. You are that famous Harry Potter dude! ‘And she said like ‘Hey, you’ve gotcha your glasses broken, man!’, and he said ‘Shit, yeah!’, and she replied ‘Hey, dontcha worry, ’cause I know magic pretty good by now and I’ll fix ‘em for ya’. So she pocked with her magic wand right into the crack and fixed his problem. Then she turned to Weasley guy and said ‘Hey, man! You’ve got a stain on your nose. Better clean it up, man, ‘cause we’re arriving in no time at all, and you ain’t smell of roses. And it’s time for your guys to put on something decent now, like your school uniforms.’ So they arrived to the school and there was this official party and they told him to put on some old hat ‘cause it was magic hat, and the hat went like ‘Hell, dude. Am gonna place you into eh… wassa name it was, those studen’ houses? Ah! So the hat said ‘It gotta be Sli… Slim… Slimmerbin, or something, and no mistake, but he went like ‘Hell, no! They killed my pop and my mom or so I’ve heard, so there’s no love lost between us, this Slimmerin and meself, if you know what I mean,’ and the hat went ‘All right, you sucker.’ And it placed Harry Potter into Grim… Grippindorm! And there was this head wizard, wassa name it was ? Do… Doubledorm? Doubleworm? Dumbodwarf? Hell, don’ remember now, but never mind. He looked like an old hippy, all wrapped up in a ladies’ nightgown and he seemed mighty glad to see Harry Potter aroun’, although search me why!

N: So Harry Potter became a student, right?

Joe: Sure, dude! The whole place was real cool, practic’ly a castle, you know, and it was full of magic and all kinda crazy shit, with dudes flying around and stuff, and there was this fat momma, sitting in a frame, and every time she saw Harry Potter, she went like’ Hey, honey! Stop kicking your heals! Juss say a word and I let ya into the bedroom!’ And they were studying real hard and everything was cool until they came to Professor Snake class and this Prof Snaky was real bastard and he went like ‘Ah! Harry Potter! I knew your dad! Lousy never-do-well he was, and a reg’lar bum too.’

And so this Prof went like ‘You know squash ‘bout magic and no doubt, and I’ll make you fix these potions on mine until the cows come home, pal.’ And even this Dobleworm old timer dude, who kinda liked him anyway, kept saying to him like ‘Hey, you hafta stop looking in the mirror all the time, son. Ain’t no business for a young feller to dance in front of that mirror every damn night!’

N: Really?

Joe: Yess’sir! But hey, that another stuff was plenny cool too!

N: What was cool?

Joe: Well, it happens right after this chick Herpiona had a row with Harry Potter and other dudes and she went out and locked herself in a lady crapper, and started to cry there like ‘Nobody likes me!’ and there was this some real, real big jerk, who came from somewhere and he broke into the ladies and…

N: Oh! Why? He was that?

Joe: Well, I dunno… A local pervert, I reckon… So anyway, he broke into the ladies and started smashin’ all that plumbing and stuff, but by that time Harry Potter and his buddy figured Herpiona was in danger and they broke into the ladies too and they tried to fight this big jerk and they had ‘im up his nose so finally he blacked out. And then some teacher ran in and gave ‘em extra points or something. Oh yeah! And later on, Harry Potter became really famous around school, ‘cause he joined the team and started playing this …Quindutch? Well, anyway, they had to play it with their brooms, while Harry Potter’s job was to swallow the golden stitch and once he was barfin, they all won. And since he was not a chickenshit and could do that plenny of times, they won a lot of games, you know.

N: Very interesting! And how it all ended, this story?

Joe: Ah! Eh! It was pretty cool too, ‘cause they had to ran from some three headed dog, and this dog was dripping the snot and he was damn gross sight anyway, so they … I mean – this Weasley dude, Harry Potter and their lady friend, Herpiana, they all run under the ground, to some magic place, and there was these slimy stuff all around them, then they were playing chess, but Weasley got knocked out and Herpiona had to watch over him while he was lying there out cold, and so Harry Potter went ahead to some other place, ‘cause it was up to him to become a hero.

And there was this other teacher, who was wearing turban or some such thing although he wasn’t Muslim, and he saw Harry Potter coming along and started yelling at the dude ‘What the Hell are ya up to ‘roun here, pal?’ It turned out that Harry Potter was supposed to have some rock or the other, right in a pocket of his pants, and so that teacher guy yelled like’ Gimme the rock now!’ and Harry Potter pretended that he was searching for rocks in his pants awhile then, suddenly, this weirdo teacher took his turban off and  it turned out that had another wizard on the back of his heid, and that other wizard was an evil one, the one who killed Harry Potter’s parents some time ago, and his name was Walden-mart or something, but since he lost his power and was like, living on top of that other weirdo all the time, he was practic’ly helpless .Anyway, he looked like a rubber duck or something, and he too yelled ‘That’s a rock in his pants now and no mistake.’ And Harry Potter felt his pants and sure, there was a rock! And this Walden – mart yelled to this other teacher ‘Grab the damn rock!’ and the teacher tried to do that but crumbled into dust.

N: Why?

Joe: Hell I dunno… Something like that was bound to happen, I reckon… I mean, to dig all this magic shit… Well, it is kinda dangerous, huh? So anyway, this Walden-mart turned himself into cloud and split, while authorities weren’t around. So that’s the story, man. Cool, huh?

N: Yes, it is.

Joe: Hey, fancy another couple of beers?

Read the other chapters

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