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I Spy E
by Asa Butcher
2006-09-27 10:26:55
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Ears, usually found secured to each side of the head and occasionally on the back of a mouse, are an ingenious device that have a variety of uses, aside from hearing stuff that goes on around you. They stop hats and sunglasses from falling off, they pop when atmospheric pressure changes, they can be bedecked in jewellery, they can be wiggled to amuse children, they can tell you the body's temperature and Mike Tyson proved they are a tasty mid-boxing match snack.

Otologists - ear doctors to you and me - officially know this sensory organ as the 'ear', but some may show off by referring to the flesh covered cartilage appendage (the spirally bit) as the 'pinna', a.k.a. the auricle; you see, it is a complicated profession and that is before we even broach the topic of what lays beyond the ear canal. My distant recollections from Biology class bring images of hammer, anvil and stirrup to mind and I thought that the Eustachian tube was part of the London Underground.

Anybody who is self-conscious about their lugholes or head handles and suffered from the cruel taunts of 'Bugs', Dumbo' or 'Mickey Mouse' will know how unforgiving ears can be. They are stuck to the side of our head with no subtle way of disguising any aesthetic problem, such as sticking out as though preparing for take-off. Plastic surgery can pin the worst offenders back into place, but everybody knows how naked and defenceless ears are to attack.

Whether an angry parent has grabbed and twisted one, if a football has ever hit one, if somebody has tried to surgically remove one during a game of rugby and if you have ever gone without a hat on a cold day, then you will surely understand how much care your ears deserve and demand. It could be that Vincent Van Gogh couldn't stand another Dutch winter without a woolly hat, so he took a shot of absinth for courage and went to work on his frostbitten ears.

Michael Madsen had an issue with the cop's ear in Tarantino's Reservoir Dogs and the Star Trek franchise has had a long love affair with ears beginning with Spock's pointy, yet satanic, ears, then inserting that parasite into Chekov's ear in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan and finally the Ferengi's amazing appendages in the Star Trek: TNG. Most Trekkies will also know about the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, especially Rule #68, which states that ear stroking will get you anything.

Yes, ears can be erotic. The tingle that runs down your spine when somebody whisper 'sweet nothings', the slop of a wet tongue darting around your ear canal, the tender caress of fingers on your lobes and there are people who like to, well, err, make love to them. My research shows there are two types of these people: those who masturbate near them and those who ejaculate into them…aural sex, I suppose.

Hey, what's long, thin, bulges at the end and feels great deep inside you? Yes, it is a cotton bud, "Q-tip" to others, but quite necessary to scoop out any man jam mingling with your earwax after an encounter with one of the aforementioned guys - not that I swing that way. Cotton buds are my weakness and it is via these magic sticks that I discovered my ears have a G-Spot. Don't laugh, when you suddenly locate that elusive itch in the canal and relief surges through your body you know you have found it, but don't go too deep or you'll scratch the eardrum.

The ear is an ingenious device that outperforms many of it rival sensory organs. Can you imagine storing your pencil under your nose, attaching headphones to your tongue or using eyeplugs at a loud concert? They truly are a marvel, so let's have three ch-ears! Huh? Pardon? What? Come again? Speak up!

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Sand2006-09-25 10:16:42
There is an old story of how a scientist discovered that grasshoppers had ears in their legs. He trained a grasshopper to jump when he yelled at it and found to his scientific satisfaction that it must be deaf when he removed its legs because no amount of yelling would then make it jump.

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