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Tectonic Plates Are the Devil's Propaganda: Robertson is a Prophet
by N. L. Wilbur
2010-01-21 10:03:55
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I was originally going to devote this column space to a long rant about how much I love little goats and how much I loathed Valentine’s Day. But then that monster of an earthquake hit Haiti, and, well, priorities are priorities in the news industry, so I’ll have to share my baby goat affection another time.

There’s a silver lining to every cloud, as they say, and that earthquake, as catastrophic as it was, had the effect of outing one of America’s most well-known and loved evangelists; it revealed that an angel walks among us. I needn’t even speaketh the great soul healer’s name, but for those out there not yet touched by the divine hand of Mr. 700 Club, I’m referring to the Honorable Reverend Pat Robertson.

I’ve got nothing personal against Pat. I’ve always respected the man. He’s the only guy I know (not personally, of course; I have standards) who has kept his faith and his hairline better than most men half his age -- including Rush Limbaugh, who, for some reason, is now on the same playing field as Robertson.

That said, I can’t help but feel touched by old Patty after his comments regarding Haiti. He recounted what he called a “true story” about how the Haitians entered a pact with the Devil in order to escape the French -- back in the early 19th Century -- and as a result of becoming the only nation born of a slave revolt are now being punished by God for keeping such wretched associations. Tectonic plates be damned. In the ever-shrinking sphere of the spirit of the Lord, we hath not room for blasphemous science! Nor history, apparently.

I knew Pat was a man of wisdom years ago when I saw him healing people on TV (sometimes through the telephone!), but after I heard his rendition of Haitian history, I was forced to recalibrate my already deep respect for the man. If he has the healing powers of Jesus and has an obviously detailed tally of those who keep pacts with the Devil, then he must be more angelic than I originally thought. A modern-day prophet, even.

The uproar over Pat’s comments are expected. Not everyone is as devout in his faith and so imbued with divine wisdom as the man who so accurately summarized feminism as “a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

It’s the Pagan-worshippers and Black Magic freaks and the abortionists and feminists who are downright incensed by Pat’s comments. (Probably the same people who thought Pat was off his rocker when he called for an assassination of Hugo Chavez, which was a great idea, by the way. Very Christian-like.) The general understanding from the Dark Side is that no Devil of theirs would let so many people live in such poverty, especially if they made a pact with the Dark Lord himself.

If that were the case, wouldn’t the Devil have provided condos and sports cars and cocaine and Rolex watches to the Haitians? Wouldn’t the nation have become the sex mecca of the world, the New Hollywood, a Caribbean Sin City? Wouldn’t they be bursting with Botox and floating around on Zoloft all day, not a care in the world?

I can almost justify doubting this whole pact business, but Pat’s word is the word of God. We know this from all of truths he’s spoken. He was right about George W. Bush being favored by God: “It doesn’t make any difference what he does, good or bad. God picks him up because he’s a man of prayer and God’s blessing him.” He was right about Planned Parenthood advocating bestiality to children. And he was right about what has since become a well-established fact, that “it is the Democratic Congress, the liberally-biased media and the homosexuals who want to destroy all Christians.” So let it rest at that. Pat’s word is indeed the word of God.

Still, I’ll admit I was initially concerned with a portion of Pat’s tirade. It wasn’t the contradiction in denouncing the Haitian people as Devil worshippers and in the next breath calling for Christians to donate money for their aid that troubled me. It was his failure to find a way to blame the gays. Surely Haiti has gays. Or even one gay person. (It only takes one to curse a nation, you know?)

When he finished his history lesson and failed to note such an obvious cause of the great earthquake, I fell to my knees in prayer, begging God to help Pat relocate his divine marbles. But then I remembered what he said back in 1993 about Hitler’s men being Satanists, and how “many were homosexuals,” and how “the two things seem to go together.” I understand now that homosexuality being the cause of the earthquake was implied, and Pat trusted us to make the connection without him speaking in parables.

It takes but a layman to make the connection that if Haitians are Devil worshippers (Satanists), and Satanists are homosexuals, then Haitians are homosexuals -- and responsible for God’s decision to strike down the evil-doers. Enough said. Pat hasn’t lost his marbles after all. Amen.

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ap2010-01-21 12:48:59
Genial article.
Seemingly it explains a few other things, namely news articles such as the following:

Emanuel Paparella2010-01-22 16:17:22
Far from being a genial piece of satire what you have here is a pretty standard tactic of those who, to use a metaphor, would cure the abuse of wine by prohibiting wine. You take a fanatical nut who is an embarrassment to Christianity or religion in general and then you paint with a wide brush the whole of Christianity. Chesterton too notices that phenomenon many decades ago. No real surprises there! We have seen this tactic it in this very magazine which is indeed a magazine of opinion and wherein sometime ago a nut proposed a substitution for Christianity: the Church of the FSM or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. He is no longer with us to advocate such a Church based on bias and hatred, having perhaps gone to FSM Paradise to collect his just and deserved rewards.

N. L. Wilbur2010-01-22 17:46:45
The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, eh? Sounds intriguing. However, there was no attempt to peg Christianity, or FSM, as a wholly fanatical movement. Jesus was bangin'.

ap2010-01-22 19:39:23
Personally, I love Spaghetti.

ap2010-01-22 20:12:03
ps. and I do not mind to attend their sermons, if they involve a good tomato sauce, oregano, radicchio and ricotta

Emanuel Paparella2010-01-22 21:15:55
Mr. Wilbur, I understand that what you are doing is satirizing the misguided thinking and beliefs of a Pat Robertson which he fully deservers; however, when I see that satire praised to high heaven by a ms. ap who has a track record of painting with a wide biased brush anything that has to do with religion and Christianity, and I see her recollect with gleeful approval the Church of the FSM (as proposed by that other bird of a feather Mr. Jan Sand of happy memory), then, I cannot but begin to suspect that such a satire is not aimed at the individual Pat Robertson alone but at the whole of Christianity and that is patently false and gratuitous.

Emanuel Paparella2010-01-22 21:27:36
P.S. Indeed, compared to Jeremiah or Isahia Robertson cames off as a clown of sort and that makes possible the satire. When one begins saying that the two above are also clowns simply because they believe in God and act as his spokesperson, and that the Church of the FSM is or any other idolatry (not excluding one's misguided ideology)is preferable to religion, then it is no longer satire but biased judjment. So, I'll take your word at its face value Mr. Wilbur that you did not intend to peg Christianity in general but only Mr. Robertson. In any case, a satirist has to be careful of the satire he dishes out and the kind of approval he receives. It is quite easy for biased shallow persons to use his satire as ammunition for their misguided causes; that was the extent of my point.

Emanuel Paparella2010-01-22 21:30:06
Errata: judgment.

ap2010-01-22 21:38:48
it's called j-e-a-l-o-u-s-y

Emanuel Paparella2010-01-22 23:23:32
Thanks for making my point to Mr. Wilbur ms. ap.

N. L. Wilbur2010-01-22 23:23:41
If a KKK member laughed at my musings, some could say I was purposefully appealing to white supremacists, but that wouldn't make it true.

Emanuel Paparella2010-01-23 00:11:25
Quite right Mr. Wilbur. Let us look at the other side of the coin: today Hugo Chavez has declared that the earthquake in Haiti was provoked by the US as a test againt Iran later on. Now, given that Hugo Chavez is a leftist progressive who thinks that the US is the great Satan, that makes as much sense as Robertson charge that the earthquate was caused by the devil. Now if someone would take those musings of mine and say that all leftist progressives are as nuts as Ugo Chavez, that would not make it true. So we agree; but perhaps you'd agree that we both don't agree with ms. ap's penchant for painting a whole institution of a whole movement with a wide brush based on one lonely but influential nut.

ap2010-01-23 02:08:08
Not having tried to paint anything with wide brushes except for canvases, until today... now I suddenly feel a devilish temptation biting the lobes of my ears.

Emanuel Paparella2010-01-23 02:33:40
The snake biting its own tail may be a much better metaphor here.

ap2010-01-23 02:52:27
I've told you before: that's a dream about the structure of benzene. Kekule, creation, re-creation, etc... and you still don't believe me. Ouroboros: in general, not a bad sign.

B-Miz2010-01-25 07:57:21
Hey Emanuel- get off your high horse. The simple fact of the matter is that you're infuriated at the the possibility of being confused as a cohort (or perhaps to a lesser degree) a Robertson sympathizer through the common bond of Christianity. Man is separate from beast through his "God-given" intellectual capability, as made clear through the metaphor in Genesis describing how "He made man in His own image." That said, when we fail to employ this capability and make use of reason and context, then we regress to a more base existence. Mr. Wilbur is merely using sarcasm to point out Pat Robertson's delusional nature, not defame a broad-sweeping religion whose tenets are (theologically) based on tolerance and acceptance. Moron.

h.james2010-02-12 01:46:50
all i know is, christopher hitchens is my "god"

Jay Elsey2010-03-03 08:19:17
What the hell, Nick? You don't write anything on here for over a year, and when you finally do, it's to take a potshot at one of the multitude of evangelical Christian demagogue mutants that have infested this country since the days of Father Coughlin? Come on, man, we both know you've got more skill than that! You should go after people like Sen. Jim Bunning for single-handedly blocking unemployment benefit extensions to 1.2 million Americans. You know, stuff that actually affects us in today's modern, tweet-based society of the now. Highlight how utterly broken our Senate is. Point out how the political system in America has been effectively shattered beyond a modicum of functionality. Anything. Anything but predictable, formulaic harping against a right-wing religious ideologue who has long since ceased shocking people with his grotesque and bizarre predictions of Armageddon due to black people...well...continuing to exist, I guess.

N.L. Wilbur2010-07-10 10:14:57
Thanks for the feedback Chilton. Glad you're staying busy in K-town by keeping tabs on me. It's sort of flattering in a weird sort of way. As for your actual comments, when have I ever been above pointing out cliched flaws in waste-of-space "leaders"? That's my niche, man. Write your own damn column about Bunning.

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