Tonight's the night that the stars come out to place their fragile egos on the line and then perform that well-rehearsed loser's face, but for the rest of us mere mortals the Academy Awards are a chance to bitch about the fashion, create new “must-see” lists and count the number of montages that have been professionally edited together.

For the first time in Ovi's esteemed history, we are offering a live report from the Academy Awards... okay, it is actually live from my front room in Helsinki, Finland, but that won't mean we can't have fun. I invite you to join me as I miss an entire night of beauty sleep and make comments on the unfolding evening.

If you have been disconnected from Planet Hollywood and don't know the nominees at the 81st Academy Awards, then click here.

Winners

Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire
Best Director: Danny Boyle - Slumdog Millionaire
Best Actor: Sean Penn – Milk
Best Actress: Kate Winslet – The Reader
Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger – The Dark Knight
Best Supporting Actress: Penélope Cruz – Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Best Original Screenplay: Milk – Dustin Lance Black
Best Adapted Screenplay: Slumdog Millionaire – Simon Beaufoy
Best Animated Feature: WALL-E – Andrew Stanton
Best Foreign Language Film: Departures (Japan) in Japanese – Yojiro Takita

You are free to leave comments below this article or email me on asa@ovimagazine.com.

Let's have fun!

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00:21 - Here we go. Just under two hours before we see smiles that cost more than my education and outfits that cost more than the education of my entire graduating class! It is exciting... or at least it will be once I boil the kettle for the first cup of coffee. I can't wait to hear Hugh Jackman's opening monologue - will he use his Wolverine claws to open any of the winner's envelopes?

Challenge: Name five famous Hughs.

00:55 Ah-ha! Finnish TV is about to begin its Red Carpet coverage. The excitement creeps up another notch. Time to stick on the kettle.

01:00 Randulph Duke and his "Uberglamour" would have made me snort the coffee out of my nose had I been taking a sip. Idiot. Looks like good weather, so no golashes, which is a shame. Ah yes, the new Hannah Montana film will surely earn its star Miley Cyrus a Best Actress award next year. Is it me or does Miley look and sound like Gilbert Gottfried's love child? Any answers for the Hugh challenge?

01:15 If you are wondering what I am wearing tonight, well a white t-shirt is stylishly accompanied by a cream tracksuit top and gray tracksuit bottoms. Photos available on request. Okay, we are back in the Finnish studio with presenter Mr Foppy Hair, Mr Eyebrows and a very lovely lady.

Hugh answers: Hugh Dancy, Hugh Grant, Hugh Hefner, Hugh Jackman and Hugh Laurie

01:20 Wolfgang Puck showing off his selection delicious food that will be vomited back up later tonight. Some of it looks as though it had already been partially digested... Bitchy! Time for ice cream here.

01:30 Note to presenter George on the Red Carpet: Shouting does not increase excitement levels.

Challenge: How many films has Kevin Kline starred in with Phoebe Cates?

01:35 Poor Bjork. She'll never live down that swan dress.

01:37 Thanks for the part spoiler there, AP!

01:51 "What's going on in your tummy right now?" What sort of professional question is that?! 

Answer: Three (The Anniversary Party, I Love You to Death and Princess Caraboo)

02:00 One hour to go! I think some fresh air is needed, but it bloody freezing outside. D'oh! I Right, I have to take a break from the Red Carpet cliches...

02:05 So close! I thought that Michael Sheen would say "Brian Clough" on the Red Carpet while telling about his next film The Damned United. Cloughie will have to wait until next year!

02:20 AP, some of the nominees have only just arrived in Finland and, as a married father of two, I don't get as many free evenings as I once did - is that the sound of a lone violin playing just for me?

02:30 Oh Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind with your suit! He has to win tonight!

02:35 Those videos! I spend too long on the PC during the day to then stare at the screen in the evening watching films! As for diapers, I am pretty quick!

02:40 Anne Hathaway is so lovely. Don't tell my wife I said that!

02:41 Please no apologies for spelling mistakes tonight. My brain is already slowly down... hmmm, that should be slowing down!

02:50 Okay, it is a bad clip but still better than Chicago. It is great to see a husband and wife team both nominated, but I don't think Pitt and Jolie will both win. Ha! "Who's looking at the dress anyway!" Excuse me!

02:55 Why aren't Catherine Martin, Jacqueline West, Michael O'Connor, Danny Glicker and Albert Wolsky being interviewed on the Red carpet? It would make sense, since they are all nominated for Best Costume Design and that's the focus, nay obsession, in the build-up.

03:05 Ah-ha! A countdown clock (25mins to go). And welcome to the party, Alexander!

03:07 Who was that kiss-ass with Pitt and Jolie? They both looked freaked, probably because of his Mr Whippy ice cream hair.

03:19 Oh god, parading accountants... and the first montage of the night. Yes! Does P Cruz come with subtitles?

03:23 Jack Black owned him.

03:25 50% terror, 50% thrill - isn't that how most of us describe how we felt when losing our virginity?

03:28 More coffee to make, quick toilet break, maybe some fresh air and we are ready to go!!!

03:30 Wow! What a stage! Go Hugh! Now, will he be in the Australian version of Mamma Mia?

03:35 A very fresh opening. Kudos. Very cheeky. It also feels very intimate.

03:46 Are they going to have a group hug? I wonder if the guys will do the same emotional intros to one another.

03:48 So I was wrong with my first prediction. Anybody think she deserves the win?

03:53 Steve Martin: Comedy Genius

03:56 Okay, my second prediction was wrong... grrr! Touching speech; we can only hope it reaches the right people. Wait, wait.. wait... I got a prediction right! Bring it on Slumdog!

04:04 Black cuts very close to the bone. I wonder how Aniston felt with Pitt and Jolie watching her from the front row.

04:07 Well, not only did I predict WALL-E, but I have now actually seen one of the winners!

04:11 AP, he was probably thinking, "Damn, why did I skip all those English lessons to go and draw cartoons!"

04:17 Ouch, heartburn from too much coffee. Back to the Oscars, the stage design is great this year. Poor Daniel Craig tripping up twice... oops! You have got to feel for the non-acting speechmakers who probably do stuff behind the cameras because they do not want to be making speeches in front of a billion people! Not sure I could do it.

04:24 Do you think that rattling off 100 names sort of takes the uniqueness of being remembered as somebody to thank?

04:28 They can certainly bang out the montages. Wasn't it last year when Jon Stewart introduced a montage to binoculars in the movies?

04:36 I wonder what a cinematographer's home videos are like. Could you imagine them ensuring the perfect lighting for the blowing out of the candles on their child's cake! Stiller is certainly out there...

04:39 Basic technology and CGI don't really go together. I am sure it is far from simple!

04:46 That was a montage that can only be described as unexpected.

04:48 The show would be finished by now if there were no ad breaks. Yes, I'd be in bed. Asleep. Tucked up and snoring. No, I must remain strong. Where are the eye drops?

04:55 Will we ever look at Wolverine in the same way? X-Men: The Musical?

05:06 Maybe he plans to steal the Oscar in case Heath actually wins. Ahh, there's Heath's family, so let's get a close-up of their emotion...    Here we go.... the late Heath Ledger. Deserved. I got another correct!

05:11 Great speeched by the Ledger family. Really touching.

05:12 Damn, I have to watch Man on Wire It looks haunting. I hope it wins.  And it does.

05:26 Documentaries just don't get the distribution. 

05:36 A slight slowdown in posts from me, but there wasn't much to say about the post-production awards. Still they are some of the unsung heroes and deserve every moment up there on stage. I need a few more ad breaks so I can finish my book tonight, or should that be this morning?

05:41 Wow! Eddie Murphy at the Oscars and Jerry Lewis finally getting Academy recognition, plus the great Coldplay song! Congratulations Jerry! Congratulations!

05:47 It is a Catch-22 with documentaries, plus I think they have a bad reputation for being boring and aren't the first choice for people going out on  Friday night.

05:51 Peter Gabriel should be there performing his own song, plus Bruce Springsteen's song for The Wrestler should have been nominated, plus two from one film... come on!Well they ruined Gabriel's song in that mix. Bloody hell, there is no justice. How did that win???

06:05 Indeed, AP, the thought had also crossed my mind. If we were dripfed Bollywood we could cope, but this is a bucket poured over our heads. Now, best foreign film and... damn I was wrong again. Not the best night for my predictions! However, the Japanese are given some fun speeches.

06:11 Ahh, now the In Memorium, but slightly different with a llive performance - live and death, you could say. It never fails to amaze me the length of the list. Paul Newman: The Man. 

06:20 So, we get to the next of the big awards. Will I get another hit or shall I add another to my miss list? I chose Boyle, but I think Fincher should win.... here goes.... oh well. A hit for me and great for the man behind Shallow Grave and Trainspotting. Nice Tigger bounce though.

06:33 Kate Winslet won! Wow, I was wrong again! Plus, this is bloody funny, watch this and you will fully understand: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPTV8PZo-Tc

06:37 Right, one half of the Pitt-Jolie failed, so will Pitt manage to wrestle it off Rourke. I doubt it and, anyway, I want to hear Rourke's speech! Oh well, I get both wrong, but at least my track record remains tarnished!

06:45 Commie homo sons of guns... brilliant. AP - You are spot on with Winslet. I think there's only one award left and it is the BIG ONE.

06:47 Watch out! The Berg is moving on to the stage. I think another montage is coming....  Not a bad one either. 

06:52 Well, Bollywood has officially hit Hollywood. Slumdog Millionaire wins the Best Picture and I hear people outside going to work, walking the dog and generally happy to have had a full night's sleep. I am now packing up and heading to bed. Thanks for joining me tonight and I wish you a great week. Goodnight!