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Sucking Spaghetti
by Jan Sand
2008-01-23 09:53:20

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Recently, somewhere on the net, there has been a hectic discussion of the physical impossibility of anyone sucking spaghetti. It is easily accepted that sucking liquid through a straw is explained by the atmosphere pushing on the surface of the liquid in the glass so that the liquid rushes in to fill the low pressure area created in the sucker's mouth.

Scientists around the world, no doubt, have consumed innumerable fizzy drinks and ice cream sodas at NASA's expense to confirm that astronauts (and perhaps even cosmonauts) could feel confident of ingesting liquids through a straw while orbiting the Earth and even on interplanetary expeditions. Although liquids captured in a container perform docilely the astronauts in free fall no doubt have a bit of a problem when their coffee escapes the captivity of a container and bobbles in the open volume of a satellite or spacecraft. Then the free liquid must be assiduously pursued with a straw wielding astronaut sucking wildly before the liquid bubble encounters a piece of valuable equipment that might unfortunately drown in coffee.

But spaghetti is another matter altogether. The atmosphere has no problem pushing steadily and with success on the surface of a liquid, but have you ever tried to move the nether end of a piece of well cooked spaghetti by pushing on the other end. The spaghetti cleverly outwits your efforts by transforming the direct push into transverse forces and the spaghetti, chuckling silently, merely buckles. In general, with a soup•çon of hubris, mankind in general and especially those re-enforced with theology reject entirely the concept that the atmosphere has more conscious intellect than the average homo sapiens.

So the solution must lie elsewhere.

Religious people have always had problems with the average person with a modicum of basic good sense in dealing with miracles. Scientists have, with no exception, shown time and again that all phenomena conform rigidly to known natural laws. When something seems not to perform rationally scientists eagerly leap upon the unexplained phenomena and before you can say Jack Robinson or expialidosis they have shown that either a new law is revealed or some dusty normally ignored law has been re-invigorated and things settle down to normal.

But religions have a closet full of historical miracles that they display on celebrated occasions to the supercilious eyebrows of many logical Doubting Thomases. Bits of bone and hair are preserved in the Vatican Museum from acclaimed saints that are sure cures for cancer and warts when a devotee gazes upon them with the proper attitude. Sometimes they seem to work or, like many current Chinese imports these days, simply stare back and do not vacuum the carpet or brown the toast.

But when a piece of spaghetti dutifully wags its tail and leaps into your mouth when sucked, that is a solid miracle to destroy all doubts that a superior being exists. Probably, considering the context, it is The Spaghetti Monster.

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

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Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-23 16:19:18
http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/duns-scotus/#ProExiGod For a more nuanced and scholarly, less biased view on the proofs for the existence of God, beyond caricature, consult the above link. Intriguing site and metaphor: a new religion is proclaimed announcing the cavalier mindless bashing and slander of all religion parading as Swiftian irony, and a special section is duly provided not for an exchange of ideas but for "hate mail" (never seen that before) to be forwarded and published by the site as a badge of honor of sort! Need one say more, except that one of the characteristics of the giant monster octopus is that of hiding behind the muddled waters caused by the spray from its tentacles? The metaphor fits quite well. P.S. Spaghetti and octopus at the same time transcends the principle of non-contradiction and would fail logic 101 but I aver that it must be considered a good dish in Finland.


Sand	2008-01-23 16:28:00
I submitted the article as a piece of humor but I have been overwhelmingly outdone by my faithful adherent Paparella whose sense of either humor or gullibility is so colossal as to propose (and perhaps even believe) that I am establishing a new religion. I wonder if Christianity was so simply and easily brought into being.


Sand	2008-01-23 17:05:44
I am tentatively complimented by the characterization of my piece as "Swiftian". Unfortunately it has not been made clear as to whether the reference was to Jonathan or Tom.


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-23 19:24:14
Actually, had you bothered to read the comment carefully you'd have noticed that the pseudo-Swiftian satire I was referring to belongs to the new Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster from which the silly idea of the god spaghetti monster with big testicles was culled. The same obtains for the idea of the special section that the new Church has installed tor hate mail, something which most respectable sites do not tolerate but a "Church" dedicated to smearing would, of course. No big surprises there; it makes perfect sense that spaghetti monsters of a feather, not to speak of pigs, clean or dirty, with tails or tailess as the case may be, would all flock together. Indeed, Swift must be turning in his grave.


Sand	2008-01-23 20:14:26
Considering your intolerance for faiths other than your own (where you insinuate your God has either no testicles or undersized ones) perhaps he is turning towards Mecca.


Sand	2008-01-23 20:22:39
You have unwittingly revealed your fears of sexual inadequacy by identifying those brown lumps on the Flying Spaghetti Monster as testicles whereas any real Italian familiar with spaghetti would immediately know they were meatballs which customarily accompany spaghetti. So you have revealed yourself as a fake Italian with, perhaps, bogus certification.


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-23 21:27:44
Again, read what is there not what the voices in your head tell you. The identification of the testicles of the monsters is not mine but of your worthy fellow-religion-bashers who thus identify themselves in the site from which you lifted the idea of the spaghetti monster thus: "With millions, if not thousands, of devout worshippers, the Church of the FSM is widely considered a legitimate religion, even by its opponents - mostly fundamentalist Christians, who have accepted that our God has larger balls than theirs." As already mentioned: birds of a feather flock together. You have ndeed identified yourself as a bona fide memember of the FSM church. The F in logic remains: a thing cannot be and not be at the same time states the principle of non-contradiction. So a thing cannot be spaghetti and octopus at that same time; albeit, having thrown religion out the window, any idol will do as a susbstitution, as Jung pointed out... You may point those observations to your intellectually-sexually- challenged fellow faithfull of the FSP church next time you congregate to sing the praizes ths spaghetti monster. Indeed, to each its own.


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-23 21:40:20
P.S. On the other hand do not tell your fellow-worshippers that you think those are meatballs and not testicles or you may find yourself branded as a heretic and burned with the books you have consigned to the fire. Since he was not as much as mentioned, surely Don Scotus has already ended there as proper sacrifice to the god spaghetti monster. Indeed, the pig likes it...


Sand	2008-01-23 21:48:28
I'm sure the FSM worshipers are not using Catholic techniques to subdue doubters. Of course,you have been thoroughly indoctrinated in Vatican techniques and cannot visualize that FSM realize their god is all powerful and can deal with humans itself, unlike the Catholic Church which does not trust its God to deal with mortals.


Sand	2008-01-23 22:57:12
Incidentally, the FSM quote you presented did not deny the balls were meatballs. Your fixation with testicles seems overwhelming.


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-24 00:18:01
From "who we are" of the church of FSM site: "...our God has larger balls than theirs." So much for fixation on sex and food. Indeed that kind of church fits you just right. One of the symptoms of an intellectual barbarian and a cultural philistine is his incapacity to distinguish a food fight from a genuine intellectual dialogue, as well as the resorting to ad hominem arguments and even making fun of his interlocutors' last name. One cannot get much more into the mud than that. All pretty overwhelming and shabby stuff! Socrates too must be turning in his grave.


Sand	2008-01-24 05:46:33
Every time you post you reveal your immense stupidity and your inability to understand the words you have written. The words you re-quoted mention balls, not testicles. They could be meatballs, tennis balls, basketballs, beach balls, or any other type of spherical object. As well as the term "balls" to indicate firmness of purpose. Your seizing on testicles as the only possibility openly reveals your preoccupation with sex, a basic Christian distortion of reality. Now that you have most appropriately accepted the role of pig the matter seems firmly settled and I can confidently abandon you to your mud.


Sand	2008-01-24 06:36:13
Insofar as all these dead people turning in their graves is concerned, it seems a very healthy process and if it can be maintained and extended it will supplement the way earthworms aerate and revivify the soil. The more philosophers spin the better the situation becomes which makes them much more useful than their previous preoccupation of spinning out idiotic theories with no confirmation in nature.


Sand	2008-01-24 06:51:02
One of the symptoms of a humorless academic nincompoop is that he cannot accept that making fun of overinflated nonsense is one of the delights of a mind in actual contact with the essential problems of the real world.


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-24 08:06:21
Oh, I seeeeeee now; you have enlightened me: the assertion "Our god has larger balls than theirs," by which your fellow FSP church members identify themselves only means that their god has larger meatballs than any other god. He is an italian cook disguised as a monster. A little bizarre but a rationalization nonetheless. Anything can be rationalized. Nothing to do perhaps with slightly deranged minds unable to distinguish the tentacles of an octopus from spaghetti? Any doubt? Or has the FSM removed all doubts? In any case, I would not rush to offer that interpretation to your FSM church's fellow faithful and holy congregation next time you worship with them in virtual reality or you mind in the global church FSM, or you may be branded a ninconpoop (is that from a dictionary in your head?...)or a heretic for misinterpreting holy writ and pronouncing the balls of the Flying Spanghetti Monster meatballs thus falling into blasphemy and heresy punishable by fire; then you'd undergo the fate of all the other dead authors consigned to the bonfire as useless to the FSM agenda. I warned you not to listen to those voices in your head! They are abysmally stupid, albeit astonishingly devious. They are playing with your mind and may be the demons of the Flying Spaghetti Monster-god with big meatballs schizophrenically trying to make up its mind whether it is a giant octopus or spaghetti, or both at the same time.


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-24 08:38:13
A modest proposal: since the FSM church’s god is admittedly absurd, bizarre and silly, even on the merely logical sphere, why not look through the pantheon of ancient gods and choose a more plausible one; one that cuts a more impressive and commanding figure than the Flying Spaghetti Monster? How about Moloch, the god of the Carthaginians represented by a brazen hollow statue capable of being heated and formed with a bull’s head and harms stretched out to receive the children to be sacrificed. Now, that was a god with balls, pardon me, I meant to say a god with meatballs. As Chesterton mentions in his book The Everlasting Man, it provided a justification and rationalization for the Romans to utterly destroy Carthage. After all they had Zeus on their side, and they were sure that Zeus had bigger meatballs than Moloch, and they proved it by ultimately defeating and destroying the Carthaginians and their god and instituting Roman cuisine in Libya where spaghetti and meatballs became the staple of the day. Wasn’t that the reason Mussolini invaded Libya? He had forgotten Roman culinary history. Be that as it may, how about proposing this modest suggestion to the FSM church next time you congregate for worship of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?


Sand	2008-01-24 09:59:08
Or to get really nuts - far out, how about a little Jewish rabbi that rose like some device out of NASA after he was dead and is presumed zooming through the clouds unhappy with the mess his father made of an ill conceived plan and who is respected by all sorts of nuts throughout history who tortured and incarcerated and burned people to death for wondering if something was out of whack with their idea of reality?


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-24 10:09:31
Is that what the voices told you? Don't believe them.It is not the whole story. Ask them to fess up the truth and admit to the selectivity and the self-deception but be careful, they don't like to be contradicted by the truth and get nasty and foul mouthed very easily, so first pray for protection from your Flying Spaghetti Monster god.


Sand	2008-01-24 10:29:08
Paparella, you increasingly demonstrate how out of touch with reality you are. You are not even aware that the prophet Benny Nudnick had an encounter with the actual Flying Spaghetti Monster twelve years before Christ was supposedly born and the proof lies in the seventeen pizzas given to him that are inscribed with messages of appetite and good digestion in petrified tomato sauce. These pizzas are now preserved in sealed gold plated cases in a secret cavern underneath the Vatican which has attempted for centuries to suppress their existence. One of the popes in the middle ages suffered acute diarrhea from nibbling on the crust of one of the holy pizzas. As punishment he was strapped down with strong strands of spaghetti and tomato sauce boarded until he relented. Neither he nor many of his children acknowledged this mishap so only astute monks retain the secret records of this horror. Not even historians such as you can obtain relevant material.


Sand	2008-01-24 14:12:32
Nazi Germany was not atheistic.


Sand	2008-01-24 15:32:06
That last post was intended for another thread but nevertheless it is important that, in contrast to other faiths, The Flying Spaghetti Monster had no cordial relationships to Nazi Germany and a secret bull by the Pasta Fazoo official at that tragic time, Mah Karoni, indicated that no normal noodles approved of the Nazi's brutal activities. Her associate, O. Regano, still remembers today the horror that the adherents of The Flying Spaghetti Monster felt over the German Regime.


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-24 15:52:21
This statement bears repeating in the light of the above precious "pearls of wisdom": One of the symptoms of an intellectual barbarian and a cultural philistine is his incapacity to distinguish a food fight from a genuine intellectual dialogue, as well as the resorting to ad hominem arguments and even making fun of his interlocutors' last name. One cannot get much more into the mud than that. And the pig likes to wallow in it and even eats the pearls thrown at it.


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-24 15:57:42
"Nazism was not atheistic" (Sand) Emanuel Paparella 2008-01-24 15:27:57 http://www.christiancadre.org/topics/hitler.html For a more nuanced and less biased view of the issue of connecting Nazism to Christianity see the above link. Emanuel Paparella 2008-01-24 15:43:54 http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/pius_xi/encyclicals/documents/hf_p-xi_enc_14031937_mit-brennender-sorge_en.html See also above link to the enciclical of Pope Pius XI (March 14, 1937) on the Church and the German Reich (Mit brennender Sorge)where the pope unequivically condemns Nazism as unchristian and atheistic.


Sand	2008-01-24 16:36:51
As usual Paparella is openly lying, a trick much approved by Hitler. Pope Pius XII refused to denounce the Nazi regime whatever the previous pope might have said. This is a matter of clear record. And the Germans under Hitler never supported atheism and considered themselves good Catholics. Hitler himself often referred to his good relationship with God and never indicated any inclination towards atheism. That may be checked through many sources in Google by anyone interested.


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-24 17:05:14
Is that what the voices told you? That had Hitler converted to atheism and severed his alleged good relation with God, everything would have been fine? And of course you believed them since it fits what you already know a priori. I told you those voices are liars but you keep listening to them. Pity. Shalom.


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-24 17:10:24
P.S. Another half-truth thrown out hoping that it'll stick, is that all Germans were Catholics previous to World War II, which is far from being the case even among those who were Catholic only nominally. Some eighy per cent of present EU is Catholic only by name and naively believe that soccer games and a common bank will bring unity to disparate people with disparate cultures and mores. I doubt it, but we'll see.


Sand	2008-01-24 17:28:12
Vatican defenders cloud Papal guilt in the Holocaust by incessantly reminding that the Nazis murdered thousands of Catholics in and outside of Germany who aided the Jews. They also remind critics that Pius XII poured millions into relief for war refugees, gave sanctuary to Jews inside the Vatican, and played a huge role in post war recovery efforts and the restoration of democracy in Western Europe. In 1998, the church made a mild stab at public atonement for past injustices when it formally apologized for centuries of Catholic anti-Semitism and the failure to combat Nazi persecution of the Jews. But the Vatican made no mention of Pius XII's stone silence on Nazi atrocities. And it's this continuing blind spot that riles many Jewish and church scholars. The Vatican continues to keep mute on its Holocaust involvement for a painful reason. Its silence was not due to the moral lapses of individual Catholics, or that the church was ignorant of, or duped by, Hitler's aims. It was a deliberate policy of appeasement crafted by church leaders. Before he ascended to the papacy in 1939, Pius XII was the Vatican's ambassador to Germany and secretary of state during the crucial period when Hitler rose to power, and knew full well what Hitler was up to.


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-24 18:56:04
Emanuel Paparella 2008-01-24 18:41:42 http://www.catholicnews.com/data/stories/cns/0602448.htm For a less biased, less ideologically driven and more truthful account of the issue of the slanderous nexus between Nazism and Catholicism see the above written by a Jew. Emanuel Paparella 2008-01-24 18:51:53 Here is an excerpt from the article with a Jew's view of the continuing slander of people intend on grinding an ax against the Catholic Church: "U.S. Rabbi David G. Dalin -- whose book, "The Myth of Hitler's Pope: How Pope Pius XII Rescued Jews From the Nazis," takes aim at what he says is the smearing of Pope Pius -- said he has documented dozens of instances where the pope spoke against Nazism and helped save Jews from deportation." "Pius XII was not Hitler's pope, but a protector and friend of the Jewish people at a moment in history when it mattered most," he said. He said this was a commonly accepted fact among Jews after the war and for many years afterward. In 1955, for example, on the 10th anniversary of the liberation of Rome, the Israel Philharmonic Orchestra came to play a concert in tribute to Pope Pius, he said. "Israeli public opinion would never have accepted the Israeli Philharmonic traveling to play a concert for 'Hitler's pope,'" he said.


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-24 19:01:27
http://www.conservativebookservice.com/products/BookPage.asp?prod_cd=c6800 See the above link for Rabbi David Dalin book "The Myth of Hitler's Pope."


Sand	2008-01-24 19:07:43
Whatever a rabbi or anybody else may say about the facts they are there and not to be denied.


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-24 19:08:20
http://www.renewamerica.us/columns/gaynor/050730 The above is a scholarly and balanced assessment of Rabbi Dalin's book which leaves no doubt at what the slanderers and the smear mongers' agenda is. It is unfortunate that such slander should be propagated in the pages of this magazine with many just keeping silent, so far, even if they look upon it as a sort of entertaining Punch and Judy show.


Sand	2008-01-24 19:12:57
When you characterize recorded and accepted fact as slander you reveal yourself as a mere propagandist and not worthy of serious consideration.


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-24 19:27:17
"Serious consideration" for what and by whom? If by ciarlatans, it concerns me not the least. I am afraid that facts are not what the voices tell you in your head. I warned you not to listen to them. They are liars and make you look like a fool. Emanuel Paparella 2008-01-24 19:21:40 "Nazi Germany was not atheist" Aside from the fact that the above is gramatically incorrect (the adjective atheistic should be employed), that is not a fact but an assertion. To know the difference between a fact and an assertion is to be able to distinguish between a scholar and a ciarlatan bent on grinding personal axes.


Sand	2008-01-24 19:54:06
Since you cannot even consistently spell a common word I doubt you are competent in anything.


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-24 20:29:40
Since you have consistently amd narcisistically asserted your competency in many fields without ever proving it, and in fact showing an incredible lack of professionalism, common courtesy and conviviality, one has to strongly suspect that you are a jack of all trades but a master of none. It is eeasy to prepare a delicious universal cake, but is it really good? Certainly a computer cannot tell, even if you insist that it is the equivalent of our brain...and has consciousness. The word charlatan above is mispelled. Most reasonable people would call that a typografical error, but not you, you are special and can ever wear the hat of English professor and Grand Inquisitor of political correctness and therefore call it an inability to spell. But you have given ample evidence that you have axes to grind and therefore the false accusation of not being able to spell cannot be construed but as selective, given that there are typos in a good number of submissions, including yours. You device your own dictionary and language rather than admit that we all make typos. In which dictionary did you find the word ninconpoop? The one in your head. Or have the voices suggested it?


Sand	2008-01-24 20:33:25
Your usual bullshit. No typographical error as it was consistently misspelled in several places.


Sand	2008-01-24 21:08:35
No, goofball, most reasonable people would call it a typographical error if it was one but obviously it was not. Since you already informed me that your inferior dictionary onle spelled "therefor" one way when all competent dictionaries have two spellings, I will educate you as to "ninconpoop". It is a Finglish word composed of three parts. "Nin" is a shortening of the Finnish word "niin" which is a word of affirmation. "Con" is derived from the expression "confidence man" and "poop" is a slang word indicating digestive waste product. So you are affirmed as a con man distributing excrement. Something that fits you precisely.


Sand	2008-01-24 21:11:01
I wonder if you caught the real typographical error I slipped in to arouse your attention.


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-25 10:42:14
Ah, back to the poetics of defecation on which you seem to be fixated. Indeed, Jung was right, man is religious by nature, and will end up worshipping not only the products of his own mind as rationalists and narcisists usually do, but also the products of his own stomach, and then project the misappropriated shadow unto others. Pity. On typos,I wonder if you are even aware of the deviousness, or is it so ingrained by now that you no longer notice? That the word charlatan was mispelled was pointed out by myself, and moreover it was spelled correctly in several places, but of course you simply ignore it because the interest is in mere aspersion. You, on the other hand and your god Flying Spaghetti monster, never accept corrections of your own own typo. Have you noticed? As a god you have the right to say so much the worse for reality, and invent your own dictionary and reality. Pity Since today you are playing slightly deranged lingusit, here something to add to your repertoir: the etymology of the word charlatan derives from the italian verb "ciarlare" which means to gossip, to speak nonsense. The speaking of other languages partly explains some typos. Those who speak only one have no such problem but also make typos, hence most publishers hire editors to catch typos, unless they receive a manuscript from the Flying Spanghetty Monster or a devotee of his. In that case the god has a right to invent his own words and therefore he makes no mistakes.


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-25 11:54:10
P.S. I have placed a typo intentionally (something a computer cannot do). Let us see if you spot it. Hint: it begins with an "l".


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-25 12:01:25
There is even an unintentional one which begins with an "r". Try finding that too and see if your big dictionary allows an alternative spelling.


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-25 19:33:21
http://www.amazon.com/review/R2GLG6VXW4CM9P/ref=cm_cr_pr_cmt?%5Fencoding=UTF8&ASIN=1594201072#wasThisHelpful In the unlikely event that there are readers out there following the inanities of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, here is a link to an interesting exchange titled "incurring the wrath of the atheists" which occurred recently on a book review exchange on Amazon.com Quite revealing and enjoyable too in its sheer absurd defense of Carl Sagan's position about the universe.


Sand	2008-01-27 07:15:32
As amusing as it might be to compare the grasp of the universe by Paparella to that of Sagan the basic question of which deity is responsible for the miracle of sucking spaghetti is obviously settled in favor of The Flying Spaghetti Monster since neither Jesus nor Moses spoke one word about the behavior of cooked spaghetti and it is not mentioned at all in any Biblical passages.


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-30 23:54:21
May you live happily ever after in the company of the Flying Spaghetti Monster god. Even the Epicureans must be turning in their grave. But hey, to each his own.


Emanuel Paparella	2008-01-30 23:57:35
PS But you still have not explained how it comes about that spaghetti can also be octopus at the same time. Is that the prerogative of a god? Have you noticed that quite often you assume such a prerogative? Jung was right: throw religion out the window and it will come back the back door.


Dennis XXIII	2008-06-30 23:10:20
Papa writes: "So a thing cannot be spaghetti and octopus at that same time" What kind of Catholic are you? The octopus is course spaghetti, appearing under the species of octopus.