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On Rape and True Power On Rape and True Power
by a once raped person
2007-09-10 10:17:21
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Going through rape and torture has made me feel like creating a space where people who have gone through similar experiences can share them and feel less lonely…

I am almost sure that practically every woman (or person) who was raped feels helpless and has a deep wound inside (the wound of having been face-to-face with the most brutish side that a so-called-person can reveal), which needs to be covered with lots of love, appreciation and safety feelings.

One learns to search and provide for care oneself, learns to cope with memories as well, but finding someone who can understand and instinctively fulfil those needs is a true miracle.

Rapists try to have power over another, in a very poor and sad way. Its all about torture, humiliation and something they don’t have – be it innocence, youth or just, generally, the ability to love and feel empathy – and want to get it from someone else. Get it? No, they want to be gratuitously evil.

Like many other young women in the University city where I studied, I was raped by a stranger just a couple of months before I completed 19 years old. This stranger forced me to kiss him, forced me inside an old building and a room, locked the door and stood in front of it masturbating with animal and killer eyes, indifferent to my requests to let me out and multiple clear refusals to make love to him (before forcing me inside the building, when he simulated a romantic approach, and after that as well).

He undressed me by force, penetrated me by force, forced my arms (with which I was trying to cover my breasts, not to give him the “pleasure” of seeing them) so he could come on my chest (he said “do you want me to come on your chest?” and did it, as if not noticing my denial, shouts, pain and closed eyes, that is, trying to humiliate the maximum and show power) and forced me to have shower in front of him afterwards.

No, he said “let’s have a shower together”, as if I had had any pleasure at all or was romantically attracted to him. I insisted I would have it alone, shaking from the tip of my hair to my toes about the consequences that ultimate dignity stubbornness would have for me, feeling helpless and in shock showering alone, while he watched me all the time from the door, with his assassin eyes. Knowing that with a single punch he could kill me, and feeling he wanted so.

It is difficult to imagine a higher degree of sickness, perversion and cruelty. A torture like this is probably one of the hardest experiences one can go through in life. But I feel lucky I survived.

As far as I know, he was never found nor punished, even though I can remember perfectly how he looked like and all the details, after so many years. As years passed, it became harder to make justice happen.

I got over such experience with time and many mistakes on the way. Perhaps one never gets over it completely, except with love, care, and huge amounts of tenderness. One has no choice but to stop blaming oneself, appreciate the simplest, most precious moments in life, try to be surrounded by love (find it, value it, cherish it), and look ahead. Try to forget it, it’s past. Love, by believing and living it, makes you refuse to become revolted, happiness is the true revenge. You are finally pacified.

I wonder how many women (and children, teenagers, men) keep such thing in secret. Because it’s so painful to tell. If you don’t tell, you might become a victim of yourself (of the feelings you have inside and want to share, like blame, humiliation and injustice), or allow other people to be victims. BUT: you should only tell when you feel prepared to.

Then you stop being a victim, you’re a person to whom unfortunately it happened, and was lucky enough to survive, or brave enough to tell. It does not define who you are nor what you do, I refuse to think like that. That’s why I’ve been having this idea of creating a blog just for people who have gone through such experiences and want to share them, even anonymously… I’m sure it can help someone.

For more websites offering support, click here.

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Asa2007-09-10 10:33:36
For poignancy, this contribution is equal in emotional power to Judy's 'Poverty' submission (www.ovimagazine.com/art/1995) a few weeks back.

I really hope articles such as these help at least one person who has been a victim of an animal.

We are grateful you shared it with us.

Thanos2007-09-10 11:12:48
thank you for sharing!

Clint2007-09-10 11:30:46
Your article should touch the heart of every reader. You have been brave in the extreme to relate your truly horrific experience and hope that in doing so it has given you added strength. Do not let this low-life inflict anymore pain on your young life. I wish you well.

trol2007-09-10 12:41:41
"If you don’t tell, you might become a victim of yourself"

how true and how tough

good you share

Emanuel Paparella2007-09-10 20:06:47
There is a painting which Titian painted when he was 90. It is now located somewhere in an English museum. It is a powerful painting depicting the rape of Lucretia by Tarquin (one of the early Roman Kings. The power of that painting derives from making any perceptive viewer acutely aware that the perpetrator of injustice and abuse of power and sex is the one degraded and ultimately destroyed by such reprehensible action, not the victim; for the victim retains her integrity. History tells us that Tarquin received his just desserts only a day later when Lucretia reveals Tarquin's crime and the people rise up in indignation to depose him and the monarchy to boot.

Alan2007-09-10 22:05:38
You are very brave

Jack2007-09-11 01:02:01
Brave indeed! I a proud of such fortitude and courage you display. You have already made a difference. Thank you.

Megan2008-04-14 04:21:37
You sound brave, i have recently experienced a similar ordeal and struggling to deal with it lashing out at everyone aorund me, but the fact you got through it gives me hope

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