Ovi -
we cover every issue
Philosophy Books  
Ovi Bookshop - Free Ebook
worldwide creative inspiration
Ovi Language
Murray Hunter: Essential Oils: Art, Agriculture, Science, Industry and Entrepreneurship
The Breast Cancer Site
Tony Zuvela - Cartoons, Illustrations
Stop human trafficking
BBC News :   - 
iBite :   - 
Additional notes on the alchemy of love Additional notes on the alchemy of love
by Joseph Gatt
2021-02-15 10:45:44
Print - Comment - Send to a Friend - More from this Author
DeliciousRedditFacebookDigg! StumbleUpon

What I forgot to say about the alchemy of love in the previous article, in no particular order.

When Cupid strikes

You see a man or a woman. You get an endorphin rush when you see that special someone. That hormone gives you a sense of euphoria. But it's also addictive, as addictive as any other drug.

So, just like a heroin addict worried about losing his or her fix, you are worried about losing your guy or your girl. What if he/she doesn't love me back? What can I do to seduce him? How should I behave to make him/her love me back?

inlov0002_400So the guy or girl in love will do a mixture of making sure that the guy or girl sees them. They will tend to groom themselves. They will try to identify their crush's tastes and try to dress up and act in accordance to their crush's tastes.

But they will be scared, just like a heroin addict will be scared of losing access to his drug. They will keep thinking about ways to act in the future in front of their crush, and past mistakes when acting in front of their crush.

More importantly, they will be scared of getting too close to their crush. They will look for signs that their crush loves them back.

Every act and behavior from their crush is scrutinized, analyzed and considered. Did he/she do that because he/she likes me? Or because he/she hates me? Or because he/she wants to get rid of me?

When men or women use their crush

I've been used in the past. We've all been used in the past.

Women tend to use men who have a crush on them by extorting their money and blackmailing them in the form of services and hard labor in exchange for sex.

That is, if you're a guy and the girl you're dating keeps asking you for money and favors, and keep dictating ways you should behave, and keeps blackmailing you during the relationship, threatening to leave or threatening to withdraw emotions or sex or both, you're being used.

If you're a woman and you are in love with a man. Men tend to exploit women for sex and reputation. So if your guy keeps dictating how you should behave in his social circle. And keeps asking for sex, but you get little else in the relationship. That is no decent conversation (almost every conversation turns into a fight). He disappears for days on end. He doesn't call. He's mysterious about his activities. You are being used.

When love is mutual

Of course we all have personality differences and different approaches to love.

But mutual love usually involves mutual admiration, great conversation, a vision for the future, a tendency to avoid conflicts at all costs, mutual hobbies and pastimes, agreement on life philosophy, consensus on life philosophies if there are disagreements, and of course, spending as much time as possible with each other.

A table to sum things up

Here's a table to sum up whether you are being used, or whether you are mutually in love.


You're both in love with each other

He/she is using you

Overall attitude

You both smile and laugh a lot, laughter is a daily part of your lives.

He/she is cold and grumpy. You think it's part of their personality. It's not. They are using you.


You both trust each other and tell each other almost everything about where you've been and what you want to do. You don't deny each other liberties, but you may deny each other dangerous activities.

He/she refuses a lot of your activities. He/she bans you from a lot of activities. Yet he/she does whatever he/she wants. He/she controls every aspect of your life, yet he/she never tells you what he/she is up to.

“Skinship.” This is a Korean-English word that denotes physical proximity with a lover

You pet each other. You hug. You cuddle. You kiss rather frequently. And of course you have a decent sex life.

He/she refuses to show affection. He/she avoids kissing you. He/she avoids petting. He/she uses you like a sex toy, and plays all kinds of dirty sex games. Of, if it's a woman, she will blackmail you for sex and avoid having sex.


Money, money, money. Very important aspect of life. You both trust each other's ability to make money. You help each other in your professional lives, and you are each other's best cheerleaders in your professional lives. You budget together, and try to come up with smart budgets.

You have to tell him/her about every penny you make. Yet he/she never discusses their personal financial situation. You have to be their cheerleaders when it comes to their jobs, yet they sabotage your work. They don't help you make money. They can even snub you and suggest their friend for a job instead.

Social gatherings

You both speak with one voice. You start discussing your situation as a couple/family before moving on to more individual/personal topics.

They only discuss their personal situation. They don't talk or behave like you're a couple/family.

Mutual admiration

You both admire each other for your qualities. And you both help each other overcome difficulties.

They make it sound like they are the perfect one, and you're the messy/horrible one who needs to change.

The past

You remember the past fondly and vividly. Of course there were difficult times, but now you have each other.

They make it sound like the past was a series of traumas. Or that their past was perfect, but they won't discuss your past.

The future

You chip in ideas and make plans for the future. You don't outright reject each other's ideas, but you debate them, calmly.

They either won't discuss the future, or will take decisions for the future that will make your life difficult or impossible.


You ask each other favors, and of course you gladly perform the favors. Favors are second nature, you don't count them. If you can't perform a favor at the moment, you'll perform the favor as soon as you can.

They constantly make you perform favors. Yet the minute you ask them a favor, any favor, they immediately say “no” without thinking.

Arguments and fights

Life is about compromises. Fights only really happen when there are huge disagreements or when there's shocking news. But fights are very rare, and always end in apologies.

Fights are frequent, almost daily. They'll fight you as frequently as they can, and you're always the one who has to apologize.

Time spent together

You spend as much time with each other as you can. And when you can't spend time with each other, you know where you are, and you call each other.

They have to know where you are at all times. But they never tell you where they are, when they are coming, or when they will see you.


You both agree on how to raise the children. You give your children as much as you can give them.

They set up your children against you. That is you have to fight your children because of things they are telling your children, or because of ways they behave with the children. And they don't have the children's future in mind.

Hygiene and lifestyle

The fonder you grow of each other, the more you pay attention to living a clean life, in a clean house, and with perfect personal hygiene.

You both don't pay attention to personal hygiene. You wash infrequently, you don't pay attention to the house, and you don't take care of yourself and your body.

Overall philosophy

As a couple, you both have very, very, very positive things to say about each other. And you would never accept anything negative to be said about your partner.

Your partner either never mentions you, or has very negative things to say about you.



The complicated thing about love is that it rarely strikes on both sides. It's usually one person who is in love, and the other person who just crashes in for personal interests and benefits.

When love is mutual, it rarely fades away. There can be hiccups. There can be personal drama. But when love is mutual it tends to last a lifetime, and the two people are meant for each other.

When one person is using the other person on the other hand, that's when things are a little complicated. If you look closely, couples who divorce are often couples where one partner loved the other, but wasn't loved back.

But as I said, love can work like a drug. So the person who is in love will rarely see the signs that it's one-sided. The person in love will delude himself/herself into thinking that the love is mutual.

But then, in one-sided love, the other side is using the person. Very often, it's the “user” who breaks up or files for divorce, often to marry someone else. In some rare cases, the person in love breaks up or files for divorce, because the person in love feels used and abused.

So of course, if you're dating someone, you have to look for the signs. But, unfortunately, no amount of preaching can convince some people who are in love to leave the relationship. Love is blind as they say, and people in love often won't realize that they are being used.

Print - Comment - Send to a Friend - More from this Author

Get it off your chest
 (comments policy)

© Copyright CHAMELEON PROJECT Tmi 2005-2008  -  Sitemap  -  Add to favourites  -  Link to Ovi
Privacy Policy  -  Contact  -  RSS Feeds  -  Search  -  Submissions  -  Subscribe  -  About Ovi