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Fin Elegy - Chapter 4: Loving Doug. Part 1 Fin Elegy - Chapter 4: Loving Doug. Part 1
by Christos Mouzeviris
2021-01-31 11:08:59
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“I know what is coming next. If there is one aspect of my life that I have gloriously messed up, is my marriage and all my relationships,” Doug interrupts Fin, as he quickly returns to his bed. He resumes his position to the upper left of the mattress, still with the white sheet all around him like a Grecian god.

He pauses for a while as his mind regresses to familiar faces of the past. Fin walks slowly towards the bed, quietly laying at its foot. The minute his full body was on it, facing Doug diagonally as he rested his head on his hand, Fin’s black clothing spilled over the lower part of the bed, like acrylic paint.

“Have you ever wondered about the root of your problem,” he interrupted Doug’s daydreaming.

-Well as you probably have guessed, I have. There was simply too much pain and baggage in my family, way too many secrets, things untold... Darkness, as you would say.

chapter_4__eros_and_psyche_400Fin allowed his pale face to grin for one moment.

“My father was always absent and emotionally unavailable, my mother had to do two jobs; not much time to spend with her kids either, although the poor woman tried her best. And somehow my relationship with my siblings took a turn for the worse, once she died,” Doug described calmly, as his gaze wondered towards the ceiling above the window.

-Sometimes Doug, people do not like when we change because they cannot, and you remind them of it. In the end, you become a different person from the one they knew or were accustomed. Especially when due to circumstances, they are trapped in a very unsatisfying routine.

-Very true. But I did not expect this to happen between me and my siblings.

-Well have you tried ever bringing it up with them? You see, there are times, when we run away from people because they remind us of those “dark” times. And like in any occasion, only light can cast them away, either in the form of the truth, a confession, compassion, forgiveness or simply love.

Doug lowers his head staring at his legs, as he mutters: “I just couldn’t. Life was not exactly rosy for me either. Me and Anne...”

- You were thinking of her just now. How does this make you feel?

- I do not know what happened to us. She was always good to me; I know she initially loved me. It’s just....”

- You are questioning if you ever loved her. You were never sure, not even in the beginning. In fact, you had the same feeling with most women you have been in a relationship with.

Doug turned his face towards the window again. His gaze was desperately seeking somewhere to focus, vainly a reference in the space outside, as darkness still prevailed.

-Do not worry, most people do not know what love is, or if the individual they are romantically involved is the right one. Because a relationship is what you make of it. It is very much an organic thing. A lot of your morality or take on such issues is heavily influenced by cultural norms and not reality, or the truth that each one of you hide in your hearts.

- I thought this part at least I would get right, I was always family oriented and never wished to repeat the mistakes my father did. I wanted to prove him wrong, be better than him, create what I always was missing, a loving family.

“Are you sure that this was the best way of becoming better than your father? Marrying and having kids in most of societies is seen as a milestone, something that every person needs to go through to be respected, accepted or seen as a successful and mature individual,” Fin says.

“However,” he continues, “not everyone is suitable or ready for it. Besides, committing yourself in something like raising offspring, is one of the most difficult tasks any living creature is required to do, and failure is part of the whole process. Add to the mix the complicated human psyche, plus the often-absurd societal demands and limitations you have inflicted yourselves with, and you realise how hard having a family is.”

“You are making it sound so wrong, as if someone would be better off not having a family; but then where would that leave humanity, if we do not procreate then how are we going to continue our existence on earth and what purpose will we have in life,” Doug replies, as he turns now to face Fin.

-I merely pointed out the reality of how challenging having a family is, no matter how rewarding. You need to understand that the concept of the institution of marriage, has greatly varied through the ages, as human communities evolved. Different societal needs in each era, religion, and a very philosophical approach to human procreation, resulting in what you call morality, have added certain complications and rules to what other species do more naturally.

“Getting married to someone for life and having offspring, with their desired number always fluctuating according to societal, cultural and economic needs, is a human invention in order to address your instincts and incorporate them in modern life,” says Fin as he pulls his body upright, sitting on the left corner of the bed as he looked at Doug.

-When humanity evolved and expanded to populate the world, it needed workers, soldiers, and farmers, to create a robust population that could sustain a civilization. Then with the help of religious morality, the idea of the family unit was conceived.

Having lots of children to allow population growth is very hard for one parent, so humans soon realized the benefit of becoming a family to raise as many offspring as possible, since mortality in the early ages was high, due to wars and diseases.

Humanity would never conquer the world, if procreation was left to one parent or brief sexual relations. As you see, the tradition of the family unit, is simply that. Humans found comfort in it, as looking after the young or the elderly is always easier with strong family bonds, plus it makes sense financially.

Besides, as I previously explained, humans do not longer regard themselves as animals, so in a desperate attempt to differ from them, they decided that the best way of achieving this was to suppress their natural urges; primarily their sexuality.

“What they conveniently forgot, especially humanity's ruling elites which always seek ways to control and manipulate their subjects, is that human sexuality goes hand in hand with human creativity and expression; subdue their sexual identity and you have a more obedient mob,” Fin describes.

- Oh, wow, Fin. Don’t you just sound like a follower of the radical left? I mean you are not even human; how come you speak as a highly political individual.

Fin allows a brief smile to be drawn on his face, as himself is facing the window now. He places both his hands either side of his body and onto the bed, as if he was about to lift himself from it.

-What I am trying to do Doug, is not just lecture you, rather bring you in contact with your own human and thus animalistic nature first, before I proceed in revealing you your spiritual one. I have witnessed people feeling guilty and ashamed through millennia, for issues that are part of nature and exist in all living beings.

-I have been humanity’s shadow since it walked the earth, as I explained to you. I am aware of all its thoughts, instincts, any moral and religious, philosophical, or political probing, as well as its secret desires. Everything that you want to hide from yourselves, all that is not told or brought into the light, your lies, and truths.

“In order for you to understand yourself, you need to apprehend how much you are influenced by your collective human morality. Since you were young, you were taught that you should master your natural urges, to be civilized and thus accepted in a society. But that has to an extend altered your psyche, on purely cultural dogma and ideology,” explains Fin, as he now walks back to the black armchair and sinks in it.

-Love is energy, and one of the strongest, purest that exists. It can be manifested in all sentient beings, not just humans, connecting one to another. It can serve a purpose too, like establishing social bonds which result in human relationships, procreation, or raising a child. Loving another human being, is the only way you can experience the divine, something that connects you all, can ultimately connect you to what you call “god,” as you are all part of it.

But like all energies, love needs a steady, constant flow of fuel, or it can be extinguished similarly to all other types of energy that you are familiar with. Humans have this totally romantic and thus surreal idea of it, in which one meets a person of the opposite sex and only, finds “the one,” live happily ever after, resulting in a family and marital bliss.

“Similarly, sexual desire is also an energy, a deep-rooted instinct that exists in all living beings and is precursory to love. While lesser evolved species are bound solely to their procreation instincts, thus sex suffices to achieve their goal, others such as humans, mammals and birds, need more complicated arrangements to raise their young,” says Fin, resuming his teacher demeanour and tone of voice.

“Wait a minute,” Doug interrupts as he turns to him while raising his hand, pointing towards Fin. “I am aware of biology, morality and religion, but you never had to live in a human society, so it is easy for you to preach me now, over things that you did not get to experience,” he says, in a more rebellious attitude.

-Fin, you think that I have not pondered numerous times over these issues as my family was breaking apart, or as I was being lectured by a priest or a teacher in my real life. The point is, that we humans must abide by the rules, which as you pointed out, we have inflicted upon ourselves, yet there is no way out. Unless of course, we break our ties with the society we have created and regress back to a more primitive state of existence.

“I understand your point, however you must abandon these cultural impediments and your personal demons, to fully free your mind from such blockages and learn how to form better relationships. Or at least stop burdening yourself with the guilt attached to them and cleanse your spirit,” Fin explains, as he responds with similar attitude.

Doug calms himself down, as he focuses his eyes on the lower part of his body again, biting his lips and he let his thoughts run wild. Fin takes a deep breath, repositions himself in the armchair, before continuing and cutting straight to the point this time.


The paintings: Temptation Within in the Cover and Eros and Psyche that accompanies the text, are Christos Mouzeviris’ creations.


Fin Elegy
Chapter 1: The Visitor. Part 1 - Part 2

Chapter 2: Fin's Theory. Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4

Chapter 3: About Doug. Part I - Part 2 - Part 3 

Chapter 4: Loving Doug. Part 1- Part 2 - Part 3 

Chapter 5: Jenny. Part 1 - Part 2  - Part 3



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