Ovi -
we cover every issue
newsletterNewsletter
subscribeSubscribe
contactContact
searchSearch
Oxterweb  
Ovi Bookshop - Free Ebook
worldwide creative inspiration
Ovi Language
Books by Avgi Meleti
The Breast Cancer Site
Tony Zuvela - Cartoons, Illustrations
International Red Cross and Red Crescent Movement
 
BBC News :   - 
iBite :   - 
GermanGreekEnglishSpanishFinnishFrenchItalianPortugueseSwedish
Dating: myths and realities Dating: myths and realities
by Joseph Gatt
2020-10-21 09:44:48
Print - Comment - Send to a Friend - More from this Author
DeliciousRedditFacebookDigg! StumbleUpon

Myths and realities about dating, for women and men. In no particular order.

Myth: “I slept with a woman and never called her back.”

Reality: Sociologists have it that around 10% women in any given territory are “sex addicts.”

So it's not like you go to a club, meet a girl who thinks she and you will date forever, before you take her home, sleep with her, and dump her.

dat001Truth is, if you go to pubs or hotels or clubs, you are going to find a few women who are sex addicts.

I don't know about you. But I remember in July 2006 being at a bar with a group of friends and some girl came and sat next to me. We chatted a bit. Then she licked my ear. Then I switched seats with a buddy and made it clear I was not interested in a night at a hotel.

I remember June 2007 when I was at a hotel in Vietnam. I'm a very slow kind of guy. Always the last guy to show up at any event, often the very last guy to leave at any event. So I was slowly eating dinner, and was sitting alone. This waitress comes up to me and asks if I need anything. I was drowsy and needed some coffee. Misunderstanding occurred, and the waitress brought in two cups of coffee, one for her and one for me. I politely chatted along, before I got up to leave. She asked if she could “follow me” and I told her I had a “meeting.” Fortunately our paths did not cross.

Many similar anecdotes. Girls at bars asking me when they can “come visit my place” and I tell them we can “meet some other day.” Or girls trying to hold my hand and I tell them I “have to go.”

So if someone tells you that they “slept with a woman and never called her back” it's usually either a sex addict or a prostitute or something.

Now, under the influence of sit-coms, some guys do like to play this game where they rent a hotel room, but their best suit on, take a brief case with them, and hit the pub or the club and make it sound like they are “in town for business” and that they have to “leave tomorrow morning.”

But girls are not stupid, and few girls buy the whole story.

When interested, or in love, girls tend to take it “slowly” which I'll get to in a second.

Myth number 2: “Aggressive seduction” as in “putting your fingers on her mouth” and “hypnotizing women” by using body language to suggest they follow you works great.

Truth: If that girl's sister or brother is a lawyer or a police officer, pray that they don't take you to court for that.

There are dating gurus out there who suggest that you “force your way” to a girl. Don't do that!

Act normally, talk, chat, test the waters, but don't believe anyone who tells you those techniques work.

Myth number 3: “In order to be loved, women are willing to have sex. In order to have sex, men are willing to love.”

Love is more or a chemical state, that often has very little to do with sex. Algerian poet and singer Kamel Messaoudi puts it best in his line “I felt like everything was totally new.”

That's kind of what real love looks like. Everything around you looks brand new and fresh. You have a warm, fuzzy feeling in your body. You idealize the person; almost perceive the person like a God or an angel or something. And, very often, you can go months without sex with the person, and still be very much in love.

When in love, men and women tend to be very tense. Their senses become a little numb, they are more like to drop things or break things, they are likely to be a little “stiff.”

When love becomes a relationship, those men and women tend to be very happy, and see no evil and no harm on earth.

Unfortunately love is also a chemical state, and after a year or so, your body usually adjusts to its new chemistry, so you lose that eternal happiness and bliss state, and gradually go back to your grumpy old self. The partner is no longer idealized, and that's when “personality conflicts” start kicking in.

But there are indeed instances where men and women accept being in a relationship when it's one person who's in love; the other person just doesn't really want to “lose the opportunity.”

These relationships can be a little frustrating, because the person who is in love will try everything to get his or her “partner” to reciprocate the feelings. They can try it with sex; they can try it with other things.

Myth number 4: “Women don't fall out of love, men fall out of love very quickly.”

Again, this is not true.

The difference is, women who fall out of love tend to stay home, and all she does is nag and show irritation all day. But women tend to stay home, albeit threaten to leave, perhaps spend the weekends elsewhere and come back.

When men fall out of love, they tend to be more straightforward about trying to get out of the relationship. They might start “scenes” and arguments that they hope will lead to an authorization to leave the home, perhaps temporarily, perhaps permanently.

Myth number 5: “men are cheaters, women don't cheat.”

Some men were cheaters to begin with. Some women were cheaters to begin with. Sometimes both members of the couple are cheaters to begin with.

How many men AND women have I met where they are engaged, or just got married, and yet they're still behaving like they're bachelors!

Statistics tend to show that 30% married men and 15% married women have been involved in extra-marital affairs. But you also need to know that men are more likely to confess than women that they were involved in extra-marital affairs.

But, married men and women tend to cheat for slightly different reasons.

Men tend to want to test the waters with a different relationship. They experiment and try to figure out whether things can work out with someone else.

Women usually cheat either because they are in love with another man. Or, drum roll... women tend to cheat because they want their children to have a different father!

The latter is a very common form of cheating, very much underreported. In cultures where there are “forced marriages” or “arranged marriages” or if the woman marries a man she believes will not produce good genes for the children...

Those women will start looking around for doctors or lawyers or astrophysicists or something, and will try to get impregnated by those people.

And of course there are instances where affairs lead to pregnancies, and that can lead to complicated situations, shaming, divorces and paying two different women alimonies and so on.

Myth number 6: When in love, women don't dare confess. When in love, women try to get the man to confess.

First off, love does not always lead to relationships. Not always because of rejection. In some cases, men and women have feelings, but their rational mind keeps them out of the relationship.

Now how many times have women come up to me and said “I don't want to be in a relationship with you Yossi” or “I have a boyfriend” and I'm like “great, what's he like” and she looks down, almost in tears, and leaves.

Why would a woman say such a thing, when so many “normal” topics can be discussed. Those women were not sensing that I was interested, because you know, I didn't ask them for their number, I didn't care to greet them when they were around, I didn't stare at them.

So both men and women will say things like “I'm not interested.” Either because you're giving obvious cues that you're interested. Or because there's a desire out there that they are willing to repress.

Unfortunately relationships involve more than just feelings. There's an environment. There's financial aspects. There's status aspects. Religious aspects. Personality compatibility aspects. Geographical aspects. Life ambition aspects. So many things that make it hard to be in a “perfect relationship.”

So that's why if a man or a woman keeps hinting at dating you, but refuses to take “the forbidden step”. And then when you actually ask them out on a date and they refuse, and that you get confused because of all those signals they gave you suggesting you two should date. That's usually because some kind of desire is being repressed by rational considerations. But the man or the woman will get comforted that their signals got feedback.

Final myth: women are in it for the money, men are in it for physical attractiveness

First of all, sometimes the opposite is true. Men can be in it for the money, women can be in it for physical attractiveness.

Second of all, both men and women tend to know that being in a relationship involves both spending time together and spending time with a larger community.

Third of all, both men and women tend to have other considerations, such as the “potential” to make money and the like.

All relationships are very different. Some men date women that they never introduce to their friends, for a variety of reasons. One reason could be that the man likes the woman, but does not want friends to make fun of him because of his choice. The opposite can also be true, as in women refusing to discuss their boyfriends with friends or family, often because they like the guy but are worried to be made fun of.

But men and women date for different reasons. Some of it is chemistry. Some of it is a bit more rational. But there are instances where male factory workers marry into the nobility, and there are instances of rich men divorcing their wives so they can marry their housekeeper.

Final, final myth: you need to be in several relationships before you find perfection

In sit-coms, men date 30 women or more before they find “the prefect woman.” In some cases they don't even find the “perfect woman.” Women also date countless men before finding “the perfect man.”

But those are sit-coms, not reality.

Reality is one where breakups are a lot more complicated than what is portrayed in sit-coms. It's not just “we need to talk” and it does not end with a “glass of water thrown on the man's face, followed by a slap on the face.”

Break-ups tend to be a lot messier, tend to involve long fights, arguments, threats, in some cases begging, in some cases accusations, in many cases accounts being settled.

And a lot of times, men and women will “reject” the break-up, and tell you that “you're not going anywhere!” And then there are threats of embarrassment and humiliation.

So given how nasty break-ups can be, serious, rational men and women will usually think twice before joining a committed relationship. They will often try to move on to a relationship that they hope will not lead to another messy break-up.

Did I mention that a lot of times men and women will spend six hours or more yelling hysterically that the relationship is over, and when they're just about to leave, they come back and go like “I'll give you one more chance.”

So much more I could say, but I'll save other thoughts for another day. Happy dating!


   
Print - Comment - Send to a Friend - More from this Author

Comments(0)
Get it off your chest
Name:
Comment:
 (comments policy)

© Copyright CHAMELEON PROJECT Tmi 2005-2008  -  Sitemap  -  Add to favourites  -  Link to Ovi
Privacy Policy  -  Contact  -  RSS Feeds  -  Search  -  Submissions  -  Subscribe  -  About Ovi