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Advice on love and dating Advice on love and dating
by Joseph Gatt
2019-11-30 09:36:37
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Advice on dating, in no particular order.

The difficulties of dating

-There are two main difficulties when it comes to dating. First big difficulty: no individual is an island. We all have our friends and family and colleagues and acquaintances that we want to impress and those people judge us as well. So when picking a partner, we tend to think as much about our personal needs as we think about the needs and judgments of our community. Second big difficulty is our personalities and personal situations are not static. Today I'm filthy rich and tomorrow I could be broke. Or today I'm broke and tomorrow I could be filthy rich. Today I'm jovial, next year I could be depressed. Today I'm an optimist; tomorrow I could be a pessimist.

-So the idea is, you want to date someone you would be pleased with, your family and surroundings will be pleased with, and someone you can spend quality time with.

-Other difficulty: we often have zero information on the person we are dating when we start dating them. Of course we can find bits of information on social media, but information on social media is never reliable. Then we can ask their friends, or find out information here and there, but such information can be misleading. So you will have to spend time getting to know the person you are dating, while the person you are dating gets to know you.

lov01_400-Warning signs. There are four warning signs. First of all, if the person you are dating wants to give you an honest shot, they will try to spend as much time with you as they can. If the time you spend together is limited, if you're the one sending the person dozens of messages and emails and the person only replies occasionally, time to move on. This means they are either not that interested, or are only interested in your money, or in your social status. Either way it means they are hesitating and see too many flaws in you along with a few positives, and they are thinking whether they should go for the positives or whether they should move on because of the flaws.

-Second warning sign: psychopathy. Normal people speak normally all the time. That is non-psychopaths use full sentences and have stories with a beginning, a middle and an ending, regardless of their cultural background. Psychopaths occasionally have normal stories, but you will recognize the psychopath by how “difficult” and “unpredictable” communication with them tends to be. Psychopaths often don't understand simple statements, often engage in long silences, often use short sentences when they should be using longer sentences, often refuse to answer questions, and can sometimes start yelling hysterically or threatening people. Psychopaths often attract their “victims” by making exaggerated statements about their wealth and social status, and in some cases are incredibly handsome or pretty. If communication is frustrating, don't go there. Don't even break up with them. Simply tell them you will be busy and stop contacting them, and contact them two weeks later saying “I'm sorry but we have to break up.”

-Third warning sign: narcissists. Unlike psychopaths who can't hold consistent conversations, and who have frequent awkward silences or anger outbursts, narcissists tend to master the art of conversation. In fact they are so good at the art of conversation that they know how to monopolize it. Narcissists often tell extravagant stories about their wealth, power, status, intellect, and taste for good things in life. So if you notice the guy or girl talking for hours at a time without being interrupted (narcissists are experts when it comes to keeping talking even when they are being interrupted) then you know you are dating someone who will use you as a “trophy” rather than anything else. That is, with a narcissist, you will be who they want you to be, not who you are in real life. You could be a secretary and they will introduce you to their friends and family as a “CEO” or “CFO” or “director” or perhaps as “the president's secretary.” You don't want to be stuck with a guy or girl like that.

-Final warning sign: the jealous ones. The jealous ones tend to be down to earth. You can have normal conversations with them. But, the minute you tell them something that makes you look good, they will brutally interrupt you. They don't want to hear anything that makes you look better than them. You just met Tom Cruise at a party and took a selfie with him? They don't want to hear that story. You just got praise for that blue dress you had on? They don't want to hear that story. You just got a job working as a lead anchor for CNN. They don't want to hear that story.

There's an Arabic saying that “love is difficult and no one can handle love.” I hope you can handle love a little better now. For the rest I will discuss a few random rules when dating (and eventually marrying) someone.

Quality dating

-You want to date someone you can spend a lot of quality time with. If the time you spend with your date is always shabby or frustrating, time to move on.

-Don't date someone just because they made the first move and few people make the first move when it comes to you. Don't be stuck in a relationship just because you would think it would be very difficult for you to find another partner.

-Don't be stuck in a relationship based on lies. If your boyfriend tells you on the first date that he's studying to become a doctor, and that in subsequent dates he claims that he dropped out and will settle for working at the factory, don't be stuck in that relationship. You will embarrass yourself and your entourage

-Don't date someone just because of their looks. The problem is not that looks fade away as we grow older. That was never a problem. The problem is if your personalities don't match and that you're not spending quality time together, you will be very frustrated in your dating life, despite the good looks.

-Don't date someone who forces you to do things. If you don't feel like going to that party, or don't have time for that weekend in the woods, they should respect your decision.

-Sex is OK as long as it's safe, preferably further down the road in your relationship. You want to discuss sex openly first before doing it, that will avoid bad surprises and trips to the doctor and gynecologist.

-Two warning signs to look out for: absences, and a bad temper. If your partner is frequently absent, and making no effort to see you, bail out quickly. If your partner is constantly, or frequently in a bad mood, bail out.

-Three other warning signs. If your partner is not discussing you among their circle, or omitting important information about you in their circle, bail out. If your partner says “no” frequently and turns down most if not all your suggestions, bail out. Finally, if your partner has dubious hygiene, doesn't wash their hands, doesn't shower, doesn't brush their teeth, doesn't clean the house, or has a shabby appearance, bail out.

-A couple of words on smoking, drinking and drugs. If your partner smokes cigarettes, it's up to you to decide whether you could handle a smoker or not. Smoking is not dramatic, and if you can help them quit in the long run and they intend to quit, you have a good guy or girl. Drinking. If they drink responsibly, as in stopping drinking before getting too drunk, and drinking no more than twice a week, that shouldn't be a problem. But if they down so many beers they're not even counting them, or down wine every evening without counting the quantities, or down liquor without even knowing how many shots, bail out. If they smoke a spliff every now and then and that it's legal in your area, fine. If spliffs are illegal where you come from, I suggest you bail out. If they blow three or four spliffs in the evening, to the point they get paranoid and anxious, bail out.

-Finally, a few words on online dating. In today's age, almost the entire humanity is at your fingertips. You can contact virtually any human being between the ages of 18 and 40 at any time of the day, and could get replies. This means the trend is, out of fear of rejection, to drop subtle hints on social media rather than formally asking people out on a date. I see no problem with that. However, the same rules apply online and offline. If you send each other hints frequently, that's a good sign. But if they send you a hint, then go silent for a week, then send another hint, then go silent for another week, that means they see a lot of imperfections with you, and are confused. They perhaps like your social status, looks or money, but have reservations about your personality for example. Bail out. Also, if this game of hints lasts too long without starting formal talks and dating, bail out, because that usually means the person really likes you, but their entourage perhaps has reservations about you.

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