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Fortune-teller scams Fortune-teller scams
by Joseph Gatt
2019-07-16 07:07:18
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Fortune tellers and shamans are businessmen. They know how to tell normal people from desperate people. If you go them all smiles, holding hands with your honey or boo, fortune tellers know they are wasting their time. So they will tell you something like “you will get married, have children, you will experience back pain or muscle pain, and 5 years from now you will encounter hurdles at work” or some nonsense like that.

fortun001_400But there are three types of “desperate clients” which fortune-tellers tend to “lust” for. First type of client: men or women who are madly in love with someone. Second type of client: men or women who are desperately looking for a job. Third type of client: mothers or fathers who have trouble with their kids.

In all three cases, fortune tellers will tend to say that they “need to communicate with the Gods” and that the communication will “take a lot of time” and that “the forces of heaven need to align”. In the meantime, they will keep having you back and taking your money.


Week 1

Client: I'm madly in love with this woman but she keeps ignoring me.

Fortune teller: I need to get the stars to align so she can come to you. This will take a lot of time.

Client: How much time?

Fortune-teller: it's a step-by-step approach. You will have to follow my instructions. First, give me 50 dollars to start pulling the stars towards each other. Then, I want you to put a garlic clove on your kitchen table and spray salt in every single corner in your house. I will also recite prayers for the stars to align. Tonight, before going to bed, I want you to recite the following prayer: ka-ti-ba-sha. Say that sixty times, that will help the stars align perfectly.

Week 2

Fortune-teller: any news from your loved one?

Client: Still ignoring me

Fortune-teller: she will end up being madly in love with you. Now give me 100 dollars. I want you to put two eggs on a table. The eggs should never fall off or break. I also want you to spray jasmine powder on your sink. I have recited prayers all week for you for the stars to align perfectly. Tonight, when you go to bed, recite “o-bu-jo-mo” 120 times. The stars will soon align.

Week 3

Client: Still ignoring me

Fortune-teller: OK, the stars are slowly aligning. Give me 500 dollars.

Client: 500 dollars?

Fortune-teller: I need to say a special prayer for the gods. It's a very difficult prayer to recite. I had to buy the prayer book for 480 dollars just for you. And I had to memorize the prayer perfectly in order to recite it with no diction mistake. One mistake and I have to start all over. Now tonight I don't want you to sleep. I want you to spray pepper and cumin on the floor, lie naked on the floor, and recite ha-ta-mu-shi repeatedly all night. Count that prayer 3,000 times. 

Week 4

Client: Still ignoring me.

Fortune teller: OK we have a problem. The stars are slowly aligning but I want to speed up the process. I have to recite a prayer for the celestial gods. It's a very complicated prayer that will take me a month to memorize and recite perfectly. The prayer book is made of gold and costs 10,000 dollars. All the inscriptions are in gold. So I will have to charge you 12,000 dollars for the book and for memorizing and reciting the prayer. You will also have to cover your bathtub in garlic, and spray dark pepper on top. Leave the garlic and pepper for a week, and whatever you do don't shower for a week.

Etc. Etc.

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