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Theatrics of finance and the banking system Theatrics of finance and the banking system
by Joseph Gatt
2019-07-09 09:01:35
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These are real (somewhat altered) conversations I've had with people who were looking for loans or funding. Next time I'll discuss the banking and finance system on a more serious tone, so stay tuned. The point I'm trying to make here is the importance of good communication in the financial and banking system. Enjoy!

Conversation 1

Friend: I'm trying to get funds for my next movie

Me: Good. How much?

Friend: About 30 million dollars.

Me: Jesus Christ! I have a few friends in the cinema industry who could help you, but probably not with 30 million. What are you going to need the money for?

Friend: Well I wrote a script-

banki01_400_01Me: Audiovisual script or dialogue?-

Friend: A script where it's the story about this guy-

Me: What kind of script? Teaser? Audiovisual script? Dialogue?-

Friend: Uhm so it's about this CIA agent-

Me: Officer. FBI Agent. CIA officer-

Friend: It's this CIA agent who goes on a mission to Pakistan and falls in love with a woman, they start dating and her family turns out being Al-Qaeda terrorists-

Me: OK that's called a honey trap. There's a ton of movies like that. Why would you need 30 million?

Friend: Let me finish the script-

Me: It's a teaser, not a script

Friend: So then they kidnap the CIA agent and drive him to Uzbekistan-

Me: OK, why 30 million?

Friend: Matt Damon's going to play the CIA agent, Priyanka Chopra's going to play his girlfriend-

Me: Do you have casting agents?

Friend: I'm sure they're going to like the script.

Me: OK if you have an audiovisual script maybe I could show your script around.

Friend: But I want Sofia Coppola to direct the movie, otherwise it's no deal.

Me: And how are you going to find the money?

Friend: Do you know any banks that could loan me the money?

Conversation 2

Friend: I sell glasses online. I'm going to need a 10 million dollar loan.

Me: what for?

Friend: I need to set up branches worldwide. Mostly in Europe and North America, so people can buy their glasses online and get them delivered.

Me: I don't personally wear glasses, but usually when you buy glasses that's one thing that you need to try on.

Friend: Oh but people buy them online because they're way cheaper. Online glasses sales is the future of glasses.

Me: Yea but glasses are one thing you need to make sure fits.

Friend: Oh but we do everything online. We'll take your prescription, make custom-size glasses.

Me: yea but your eyes and foreheads are not all shaped the same. Some eyes need bigger lens, some eyes need smaller lens, some heads need wider or shorter glasses.

Friend: I'm telling you, people want the cheap stuff, and if it doesn't fit, we'll change them.

Me: Problem is, buddy, they'll keep returning them dozens of times before they find glasses that fit.

Friend; Yea but they sell clothes online, and everyone's buying them online now because they're cheaper.

Me: Clothes have sizes. And for pants you can even customize them with waist and leg length. But doing that for glasses is going to be complicated, because one bump on your forehead and you're going to need another pair of glasses.

Friend: You don't understand the power of technology. Everyone's doing their shopping online now. Most people would buy glasses online.

Me: I went to the mall last weekend and it was jam-packed with people. Obviously they weren't doing their shopping online.

Friend: I'm a marketing genius. I worked for (bleep) company as a marketing assistant and came up with ideas that blew the sales targets over the roof.

Me: You probably want to start small. Start with one location.

Friend: Yea then someone will steal my idea and will conquer the world with online glasses.

Me: Guess they already would have, but good luck buddy!

Conversation 3

Friend: I need investors for my new educational show.

Me: What kind?

Friend: It's for children, about global culture and accepting diversity.

Me: Children what age?

Friend: About 3 to 8.

Me: OK. What kind of educational program?

Friend: It's going to be a fun program teaching children to accept different cultures.

Me: What do you mean by culture?

Friend: You know, that they need to respect each other, greet each other, try out each other's food, listen to each other's music.

Me: what were you like when you were 3 to 8 buddy?

Friend: Oh back then there was a lot of tolerance and respect and we all greeted each other and tried out each other's food. Wasn't like today.

Me: What kind of food do you remember trying when you were 8?

Friend: I had this Chinese friend who would let me try his food.

Me: OK, how much are you going to need for this show?

Friend: About a million dollars.

Me: And how are you going to monetize that?

Friend: I'm going to make a first season, and sell it as a DVD in the educational materials section.

Me: You know I have a bad feeling about this.

Friend: But the parents are going to like it. I'm sure a TV station will purchase the show and order a second season.

Me: And why would parents choose your show over the Teletubbies or Sesame Street?

Friend: Oh everyone's talking about globalization now. Globalization's the next big thing.

Me: Look buddy, all I know is parents are usually voting for the nationalist parties or ultra-nationalist parties, and most parents are not very happy with this whole globalization thing. I mean if I'm single I can move to Singapore and start a new life there if I lose my job, but for parents it's a little more tense.

Friend: Oh with all the traveling and international food and multiculturalism parents need to teach their children globalization from a young age. Their children are going to work around the world.

Me: You'll have to convince parents to get comfortable with the idea that they'll be seeing their kids once a year. Good luck with that.

Friend: And do you know where I can find people to invest in this project?

Me: Yea, all the multiculturalism centers will help for sure.

Conclusion: In many countries, you can get bank loans through connections. All the people I mentioned above are from the elite, or children of the elite, who have many banker friends who actually loaned them the money. Not because they had good ideas, but because they were friends.

All the projects flopped, and the guys involved in the projects are broke. I have many other stories like these.

So lesson number one: don't loan money just because he's a friend, or he's the minister's son, or she went to Harvard. I'll discuss banking on a more global and serious note next time. 

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