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Signs of a destructive relationship
by Joseph Gatt
2019-01-16 10:19:24
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Signs of a destructive relationship, at the workplace or within a couple.

At the workplace

-If you feel that you are “not understood” at the workplace, you are probably dealing with “narcissistic perverts.” Narcissistic perverts usually perfectly understand people, but deliberately dumb themselves down and pretend not to understand you. If they seem to forget that you have such and such talent, that you did such and such deed for the company or seem not to understand your general profile no matter how clearly you explain it, you are in a destructive relationship.

-If you feel that there's a “break from reality” or a “break from the truth” you are probably in a destructive relationship with your company. Narcissistic perverts deliberately distort the truth, act forgetful and distort reality to make you feel uncomfortable. For example, the budget clearly says 3,000 dollars and yet your boss insists it's 4,000 dollars. Or you work really hard and your boss calls you “lazy.” Your boss is playing mind games with you.

-If you are assigned tasks that don't fit your profile or ability, or social status, you are probably dealing with narcissistic perverts. They will deliberately make you “clean the toilets” or “take out the trash” when you have a Ph.D. Humiliation is part of their game.

-Early on in your career, your narcissitic pervert boss might say something like “if you work hard enough, you will lead the company.” Or perhaps your boss will try to figure out what your passion is and promise you a position that fits your passion. You will then accept to be “rolled in the mud” thinking you will some day get that promotion or reward. You will probably get fired nowhere near reaching that reward.

-If your boss systematically rejects your proposals, rejects your suggestions and says “no” to basically anything you ask him, you are in a destructive relationship. Your boss is deliberately saying “no” to humiliate you.

-If your company takes what you think are unnecessary risks, and include you in risky deals, you are in a destructive relationship. You should have a say in risky deals, and should be able to say you don't want to take the risk.

-If people in your company constantly break etiquette rules, you are in a destructive relationship. Burping, farting and yelling on the phone, or snooping around your files without your permission should not be part of the game.

-Finally, if too many things are left unsaid in your company, you are probably in a destructive relationship. Normal people can take criticism, perhaps gently deny any ill intention. But narcissistic perverts will go to war when being critized, and will wage war on random opinions you may have, leaving you thinking twice before you tell them anything.

Within a couple (or with a partner, friend or family member)

releo01_400-If you feel that your partner does not understand you, your partner is probably playing dumb and acting like they don't understand you when they understand you perfectly. They may understand perfectly that some people or things are dear to you, only to pretend not to understand that. For example you may be proud of working for your company and be aiming for a promotion, only to see your partner downplay the importance of your company, and refuse to discuss your progress within the company.

-If you feel that your partner has a break from reality, you are probably with a narcissistic pervert. If you rarely drink alcohol and that your partner tells you “you drink too much” or that you rarely go out and hang out with your friends and your partner says “you go out way too often” then there's a problem. You are in a destructive relationship.

-If your partner insists you do things that don't fit your personality, social status or tastes, you are probably with a narcissistic pervert. Perhaps you have a Ph.D. and your partner suggests that you apply for that waiter position. Or you hate dancing and your partner keeps insisting you go out and dance at the club, when you clearly feel uncomfortable with it. Or your partner invites people home and you have nothing in common with them.

-If your partner makes promises, but makes you go through “hell” before you get your reward, you are probably with a narcissistic pervert. For example a friend of mine had his Korean wife withhold sex from their couple until he learns to speak Korean fluently. I helped that friend with his Korean, and he was getting better at it. But his progress did not make his wife stop withholding sex, and there was no reward for progress.

-If your partner constantly refuses your offers or says no to your suggestions, you are in a destructive relationship. While saying no to some suggestions can be OK, constantly saying no probably means they are trying to humiliate you.

-If your partner takes unnecessary risks, such as driving recklessly, taking unnecessary loans or gambling or drunk driving, you are in a destructive relationship.

-If your partner constantly breaks etiquette rules, such as checking your stuff without your permission or throwing things on the floor or not cleaning up after their act, you are in a destructive relationship.

-Finally, if your partner constantly criticizes your opinions and does not allow you to criticize theirs, you are in a destructive relationship.

To conclude: I usually use this rule of thumb. If I go to a meeting and explain myself clearly and yet the people I'm talking to don't seem to understand, I tend not to go on a second date. That is because I have the feeling they understand, but they're just playing dumb. That's the first warning sign for narcissistic perverts.

The second rule of thumb I use is when I get “showered with love.” Narcissistic perverts often shower you with love at first before gradually trying to control and humiliate you. In a love relationship, it should be something like 50% affection and 50% serious conversation or 30% affection and 70% serious conversation. If it's 90% affection and very little serious conversation, we have a problem. Same goes with family or workplace relationships. If you get showered with love and praise but very little work-related conversation takes place, you're probably soon going to see their dark side. 

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