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Eureka: A serious chat on PhDs
by Joseph Gatt
2018-08-14 08:20:14
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You can buy your PhD in Mexico and Central America (and as many PhDs as you want) and you can get a PhD in Finland, Sweden and Norway for absolutely no money in 3 days, all you have to do is defend a dissertation, and if the jury validates, congratulations Dr. Jane Roe.

Still, a lot of people prefer doing their PhD in some fancy US, Canadian, Australian, Japanese or Korean university.

So for purposes of clarity and simplicity you can call me Dr. Bruce Lee, Ph.D. and professor at Loser University, in Looserville, Wakanda.

ph001_400I make 2,000 dollars a month net for teaching 12 hours a week, three seminars of three hours each. Student feedback doesn't affect my salary, but if I get less than 50% at my evaluations for two consecutive years, I could get fired. I make an extra 1,000 dollars a month for research but I have to publish three papers a year and Science Index journals, which means that I send a lot of bribes in the form of whisky bottles and plane tickets to Disneyland in exchange for having journals publish my three papers a year. Publishing three papers a year equals 12,000 dollars a year, deduct 500 dollars worth of whiskey and 2,000 dollars worth of tickets to Disneyland and I keep 9,500 dollars in my pocket. Sweet deal.

I also get 100 dollars a month per student I supervise for MA theses, and 200 dollars a month I supervise per Ph.D. student. MA and Ph.D. students can only choose me, or professors Chuck Norris, Steven Segal or Jet Li. This means I have to look a lot kinder than the other professors, and I have to treat students to a lot of beer parties, where I pretend to praise them for being such sweet kids. Of course I don't mean a word of what I tell them. I also tell them that Chuck Norris thinks he's a God but he's not, that Steven Segal is too into his looks and didn't deserve his Ph.D. and that Jet Li calls his students “farts” in private. Students laugh, the beer helps.

Now I have three MA students and two PhD students which mean that I'll be making 700 dollars a month until they graduate for supervising them. MA students have a maximum of four years to graduate, and PhD students have a maximum of ten years to graduate. I tell my MA students Kim Kardashian, Khole Kardashian and Kourtney Kardashian that they don't know how to write a thesis and that they have to take my 5,000 dollar seminar on how to write a thesis. I let them graduate after 3 and half years, to avoid looking suspicious.

Now I have to be more subtle than that with my Ph.D. students Gigi Hadid and Bella Hadid. I fail them three times at their test of ability to write a dissertation, and then tell them they need 3 or 4 years to gather data. Of course they procrastinate, and after four years they still have no idea what to write. I could give them a little guidance, but tell them they need a couple more years to come up with a topic. At the 8 year mark, I teach them how to write a dissertation and we quickly come up with a topic. Chuck Norris, Stevan Segal and Jet Li try to sabotage them, but I bribe them with three bottles of whisky each.

Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian made me 12,600 dollars in supervising fees plus 15,000 dollars for the seminar where I did not teach them how to write a thesis. Dr. Gigi and Bella Hadid made me 24,000 dollars, have their egos destroyed, but at least they have their Ph.D.s.

Still want to get your Ph.D.?

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