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Eureka: My history with dating women
by Joseph Gatt
2018-08-07 08:29:35
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Yesterday's article was vague but true (some people questioned the veracity but it's absolutely true, although we could get into technicalities). In some of the articles I write here in Ovi I discuss personal stuff briefly and vaguely, but one thing I've discussed a few times but never really dwelled upon is my relationships with women. A lot of people tell me that after all those years spent abroad; I could have perhaps married someone and got the visa. Or perhaps meet someone online, fall in love, marry and get the visa. But things are not so simple.

So here, in some very brief points, I will discuss my relationships with women.

datee001_400-In middle and high school, I was a guest at people's house. I did not have pocket money, just enough to buy one of those half packs of cigarettes in high school. Technically it was my bus and lunch fee, but I walked to and from home and skipped lunch, mainly to buy cigarettes and save up enough cash just in case there's some kind of event over the weekend. The cash I saved up was usually enough for if I was invited to watch a movie, for a game of bowling or to go to the stadium and watch a football game. One of my tactics as a teenager was to befriend way older people, and I had a couple of older rich friends who would give me the occasional bill that I could spend if I met friends at a restaurant. But I was too broke to go on a date, so I was naturally cold and distant with women.

-In my senior year in high school, there were a couple of girls (by a couple I mean two) who kept hitting on me. Since I was off to college, I thought I would give it a try. Both girls were secular Muslims, which did not bother me until I figured out that Islam did mean a great deal to them. I had “phone dates” with them that is we called each other frequently, never went on a date. I “broke up” with one of them because she was playing hard to get and “broke up” with the other because she basically called me a loser. “Phone dates” are common in the Muslim world, and I haven't had a phone date since 2002, nor will I ever go on a phone date.

-I went to college in France, was on a generous scholarship. But France is one of those anti-social countries. Universities have no extracurricular stuff, most associations are either professional or ethnic, there are few or no parties held at universities, we never get to sit in a circle and introduce ourselves. Cliques form, groups are closed and intruders are not allowed in, and French people don't really introduce each other to other women. I had a stalker for a couple of years, an obese blond who followed me everywhere I went, including to the restroom. Despite sending a million signals to her to back off, she did not back off until I gave her the full silent treatment. A very pretty blond kept staring at me in class, but I could not think of an excuse to talk to her, nor could she think of an excuse to talk to me. The only date I had was with a pretty one, but during the date she kept saying she had no money so I decided not to go on a second date. The date was nothing passionate or romantic, it was over coffee and a sandwich, and lasted less than an hour.

-I went to grad school in Korea. I spent one year completely silent, trying to figure out what Korean silences meant. The graduate school was in a small, isolated village, and there was no girl I thought of as attractive in the graduate school. Casual sex was common among students, so were STDs, and being born with an allergy to penicillin; I did not want to take risks. I got massaged by a girl once in my dorm room late at night, but pretended I had to go print out handouts for my fictitious presentation the next day.

-In my second year of grad school, there was this girl who invited me to a party. Before that, I used to meet exclusively with a Brazilian guy, and Indian guy and his wife, and we would have intellectual evenings and discuss physics, math, science, politics, history, you name it. So it was the first party outside that circle I went to. The girl kept hitting on me, held my hand, hugged me all night and was all over me at the pub, but then she left and we parted ways. I waited for six months before I contacted her, because I thought she was just another slut. I texted her six months later, she immediately replied, and called her and asked her out on a date.

-We had chicken and lots of beer over that date. She said she wanted to be a famous professor and researcher, and that at the height of her fame she wanted to be appointed at a high-level political position. I had never met someone so ambitious. When she said she had not dated a guy in 5 years, I thought I met the right person. She was way older than me, but being broke, and she had a job, I thought we could be in a mutually supportive relationship.

-It turns out she had never published a research paper, was not really interested in publishing papers, wanted to be a professor just for the title, did not know what to study for her Ph.D. and did not even bother to read or to comment on the papers I was writing. She said if I left her she would commit suicide, wrongly accused my Indian friend of trying to kiss her (from then on I could no longer see the Indian and Brazilian guys for intellectual conversation) and did not allow me to visit my graduate school because she said she would “lose face” over our relationship.

-She said she wanted to do a Ph.D. in the United States and was not interested in a distance relationship. That meant I had to get ready to move to the United States, but then she changed her mind. This went on for two years, meaning I was stuck rejecting job offers for two years because she kept saying she had no intention to stay in Korea and wanted to settle in the United States where she would become a professor.

-After two years planning my move to the United States, she decided she wanted to be a Korean diplomat. You know diplomats move from country to country. You also know that out of 10;000 applicants, only 30 get in. My visa was about to expire, and I had nowhere to go but Algeria. This was in 2009-2010.

In January 2010 I moved to Algeria. From January 2007 when we started dating to December 2009, we had been on very few dates because she was too busy planning her move to the United States. We rarely talked, but she did not want me to talk to other people either, because she would “lose face” if my friends found out she was in a difficult situation. In December 2009 I sat with her and I suggested we get married so I get a visa extension. English teaching jobs were plentiful, the Korean police was paying 150 dollars an hour for translation services, and the Korean army paid very good money for language teaching and translation jobs. Of course, you had to be married to a Korean citizen. She said I would never be accepted for those jobs, because there was too much competition. I tried to explain that if not English, French, if not French, Spanish, if not Spanish, Turkish, if not Turkish, Arabic, but I was wasting my words. And she still said that if I left her she would kill herself.

-In April 2011 I managed to come back to Korea, but did not have money or a place to stay. I wandered around abandoned houses and places while she studied for her examination. She passed her examination and I was hired as a professor. But after she passed her examination she rarely picked up the phone, did not plan the wedding, and I later found out that...

-Every weekend she would disappear. Weekends is usually when couples get together and chat about the future. But she kept saying that she was going “hiking.” I found that suspicious. People hike for a few hours, not an entire weekend. She was saying that she was hiking in isolated resorts and mountains. When I was banned from teaching, she forced me to move with her to an abandoned shelter. As a diplomat she could afford a lot better than that. Not just for me. For her as well.

-I later found out that her “hiking” weekends were escapades to the casino, and that she was so addicted and so broke that we had to live in an abandoned shelter. She also hooked up with several guys, including two of her exes. No wonder despite being broke, I still had to pick up the tab the rare times we went to restaurants or pubs. We lost touch with each other, and officially broke up on June 26, 2015, three days after my escape from the concentration camp.

-I've been locked in an apartment since July 7, 2015. I made several attempts at getting a job, and got nothing. I briefly worked at a language school where I was indeed popular with girls who thought I was American. I'm not American, I'm stateless. I'm in no rush to get back in a relationship. The cycle goes get a job, get a few paychecks, socialize, get people to know you, and let destiny be a part of the whole thing. I'm still young.

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