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The Tariff Sheriff
by Leah Sellers
2018-03-14 08:42:33
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"Howdy, youse guys….er, I mean you all….er, I mean Y’all with a Southwestern drawl ! Howdy, Y’all ! What do you think of my Cowboy get-up, ten-gallon cap….er, I mean hat with the Purge’s Keep America Great on it, and my western holsters with two colt silver-plated 45’s ? I wanted the pistols gold-plated, but was advised against it. I Fired the advisors, but ran out of time getting my pistols wrapped in gold. So, these will just have to do, for now, that is,” CEO Autocrat Trumpty grumbled.

Trumpty’s face brightened as he said, “Meet America’s new Tariff Sheriff !” Trumpty shouted as he drew his guns and pulled the triggers several times. “Don’t worry, I haven’t loaded my guns yet, but just you wait !”

sheri01_400“Yes sir, I, and Peter Navarro and ’ole Wilber Force are primarily mad at China, but we’re gonna’ go gunnin’ for everyone. Allies and Frienemies alike.” Trumpty said petulantly as he pretended to shoot pretend bullets throughout the room at the Free Press.

“Yep, we’re gonna place 25% tariffs on Steel an 10% tariffs on Aluminium ! So what if almost everything in the World that’s not plastic and eventually dumped out into our Oceans to choke and maim all of its little critters to death is made of Steel and Aluminium. Especially our Automobiles !”

“So what ?” Trumpty blustered as he aimed and targeted his empty guns at various members of the Free Press challengingly.

“What ? Will it hurt Americans when this Tariff War begins ?” Trumpty answered a Free Press Reporter. “You bet it will, but no pain, no gain for the Swamp Creatures like me and mine ! And that’s what I’m really all about Me and Mine, unless Mine happen to get into trouble that can bring me down, Then they’re Fired ! That’s right everybody is Fireable, but Me !”

“What ? Workers ? Will Workers not manufacturing Steel or Aluminium lose jobs in other economic areas due to my Tariff War ? Sure thousands of jobs will lost, I’m told. But we’re going fully Automated anyway. It’s cheaper, and better for the Bottom Dollar, for the Swamp Creatures like me, and the other Elites who own the Corporations, to eliminate Workers who need Wages and expensive Healthcare, and use machines and robots to get the work done instead, duh !”

“Boy, you Free Press, Fake News that isn’t News I’ve created, sure ask some dumb questions !”

“Yeah, I’ve decided to eliminate Mexico and Canada from the Tariffs for now, because we’re gonna’ use the Tariffs as leverage during our discussions about rewriting our crummy NAFTA deal,” Tariff Sheriff Trumpty admitted.

“I wanna be like Putin, and Kim-Jong-Un, and Duterte, and Erduwan and all of those leaders who control Everything all of the time, and can get rid of Fake News they don’t create any time they like, and can get rid of people of color or women they’ve used up anytime they like, and can rip off the Tax Paying Peoples of their countries anytime they like, and drain their People dry of every penny they own to enrich their own coffers and their own much more important Swamp Creature, Elitist lives. And impoverish everybody around them that they want to in order to break their spirits, gain Power over them, and control them any way they want to,” Trumpty complained. “They have got it made !”

“My Followers believe anything I tell them ! They have no idea what’s headed their way,” Trumpty bragged as he dropped his bead on some more members of the Free Press.

“I’ve cut the Taxes on the Rich and dropped them to be Trickled down the backs of the Middle Class and the Working Poor, Ha ! Ha ! And my Followers are cheering me for it ! How’s that for the best Con this Con Man has ever Conned ?!” Trumpty said as he pulled his empty pistols triggers a few more times into the Free Press.

“Then when the Tariffs hit, the Middle Class and Working Poor will be paying more on everything they Consume as Consumers, and my Swamp Creature, Elitist buddies and I will make out like Mad Hatters as we throw all of the world into a deep Inflation ! And you know me, I Inflate everything I say or do ! We’re robbing everyone blind, and my Followers are cheering me on ! They love me !” Trumpty shouted with self elevating glee.

“Of course, My Followers are only about 30% of the American population, but look how far we’ve all come thanks to the hanky-panky of my Buddy Scootin’ Putin and his Oligarch cohorts and cronies ! And that’s no phony boloney !”

“Using my 30%’s Fears of The Other, and their Religiosity, I, Cheating Con Don Juan have had my Sins forgiven ! I have received a Pass to be just as Bad a Sass as I wanna’ be, as long as they can experience the Power they now have to change all of the Laws in the Land and draw America into a bottomless and dangerous and exclusionary Theocracy, and call that Democracy ! Who cares ?! “Cause when I leave office I‘ll continue to run circles around all of their Commandments and Rules anway !”

“Yee-Haw ! The Evangelical, rootin’-tootoin’ AR-15 shootin’, Right Wing is alive and well, and keepin’ Me and Mine in Power as well ! Do tell ! And everyone else can just go to Hell !” Trumpty yelled as he rapidly fired his empty pistols into the Free Press with purposeful aim.

“And that ’ole Stormy Daniels that all of you Free Press keep rattlin’ on about came ridin’ into Town atop this proud Stallion Trumpty, and had my People pay-off, I’ll make yesterday’s News with all of my Diversionary Antics ! Leaving all of you Free Losers (but Fox and my man Hand-Dandy) to Go Figger, but then again, I’m the Trigger Man ! Let the Bullets fly ! Oh Me ! Oh My !" The Tariff Sheriff reminiscingly sighed.

“Well, kiddos, it’s been fun ! But this rootin’-tootin’ Cowboy has gotta’ run ! I’ve got Tariffs to cram down everybody’s throats, Allies to offend and alienate, and a show-stopping Nuclear Summit with Kim-Jong-Un to attend !” Trunpty announced with a big grin.

“You think he’ll like my new doo-dads ? And I’ll have my pistols gold-plated by then. ‘Cause you know Me, I’m all about the Spin and Win !”


Check Leah Seller's EBOOK
A Young Boy/Man's Rage, and A Knife He Wanted to Be a Gun
You can download it for FREE HERE!


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