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The Sex Habits of Rattlesnakes
by Leah Sellers
2018-02-10 11:50:02
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“Glad you’re Home early, Maybelle,” Harvey greeted his wife as she was getting out of her Toyota sedan. “I need your help roundin’ the Horses up before you head out to feed the Chickens. “Ole Diablo slid open that gate to the back field again, and the rest of the herd followed him down to the creek.”

Harvey shook his head from side-to-side, “That Horse is too smart for his own good.”

“You mean for your own good, don’t you ?” Maybelle retorted with a wide grin. “We’ll have to take the pick-up down there and drive them up with a temptin’ bucket of oats.”

“What did the Doctor have to say ?” Harvey asked as the couple walked to the barn for a bucket of oats, and the old Chevy pick-up truck.

“I didn’t go to the Doctor today, Harvey. That’s next week. I went to the Dentist. And this visit was one Wild Ride,” Maybelle said emphatically.

rattle1_400“Wild Ride ?” Harvey asked. “How could a visit to the Dentist’s office turn into a Wild Ride ? Did he have to pull a tooth ?”

“No, my visit with Doctor Smith was just fine. It was what happened in the Waiting Room that was so surprising,” Maybelle said.

“Huh ?” Harvey grunted. “There is nothin’ more borin’ than a Waitin’ Room, Maybelle.”

“Well, not today, Harvey,” Maybelle sighed. “Oh, it started off normal enough. I signed in and had just opened up my Better Homes magazine to the recipe section, when three other Folks walked into the Waiting Room to wait on Doctor Smith, too.”

“One Little Lady was told she’d have to fill-in all of their paperwork before she could get her teeth cleaned. She sat down beside me, and the Older Gentleman and Lady sat down to the left of us.”

“Well, we all started talking about the weather. About how cold it was. And then we started talking about our Families and Grandkids, when the Hygienist came out to hurry the Little Lady beside me along with the paperwork she’d been given.”

“But the Little Lady was gruff with her and didn’t want any help. So, I started telling everybody about the two Bald Eagles I had spotted along Berry Creek this past week.”

“And the friendly Hygienist started telling me and the Older Gentleman and Lady about herself and her two kids, and about their originally being from Utah. And how when they were para-sailing behind some dune buggy in a Park outside Salt Lake City one day, a big ‘ole Bald Eagle flew right up beside them, and followed them in the air for a full two or three minutes, eye-balling them the whole time. And that as Eagle flew away, they suddenly spotted a herd of Wild Horses running down below.”

“When all of the sudden the Little Lady beside me filling out all of the paperwork said, “Masturbation !’”

“Well, we all got stone quiet,” Maybelle announced.

“And I said, ‘Excuse me ?’ Thinking that surely we had all misheard her.”

“And land sakes alive, if she didn’t repeat, ‘Masturbation !’”

“Well, I turned beet red and the Hygienist turned beet red, and the Older Gentleman was staring at her with his mouth open aghast, and the other Older Lady was staring at the Little Lady who said it in disbelief.”

“So, I said, “Well, that’s a Conversation Stopper.”

“And the strange Little Lady snapped back, ‘Or maybe it’s the Beginning of one.’ Can you imagine that ?” Maybelle asked rhetorically.

“And I was about to say something a little less friendly when the strange Little Lady said, ‘Oh, I misread the word in this question. It says Mammogram.’”

“And before anybody could say anything else Doctor Smith popped through his office door holding this large board with a huge, coiled and up-raised, mouth wide open and fangs and tongue flashing in menace taxidermied Western-back Rattler !” Maybelle exclaimed.

“Doctor Smith explained that he just gotten it in, and was proud of it. He had the biggest ‘ole grin on his face.”

“He said that it was a Rattlesnake he had killed while hiking in the woods in Arkansas somewhere.”

“Well, the Older Lady across from me screamed, shot out of her chair, and headed for the front door saying, ‘I cannot stay in the same room with that thing ! I will re-schedule my appointment for later, and give you time to get rid of that frightful creature !’”

“’But it’s dead,’ Doctor Smith said.”

“And the Older Lady said, ‘I know it’s dead, but I am scared to death of Snakes, and that thing looks as though it’s going to jump right off of that board and squeeze and fang everyone in this room to death. It’s a monster !”

“’Rattlesnakes don’t squeeze their prey. Boa Constrictors and Anaconda do that,’ Doctor Smith told her.”

“And then that strange Little Lady said, ‘I wonder if Rattlers Masturbate ?’
Can you imagine that, Harvey ?”

“Well, that was enough for me. I got up and rescheduled another appointment for a week from now. However, I did stop and compliment the Artistry of the Taxidermist who had stuffed Doctor Smith’s Rattler for him, before I left. It was the least I could do.”

“Well, that was some Dentist office visit, Maybelle,” Harvey said chuckling. “I wish that somethin’ like that would happen to me when I’m sittin’ in there bored as a bump on a log.”

“Oh, you do, do you ?”

“Oh yeah, but I would like to know just one thing, Maybelle. You think Rattlers Masturbate ?”

“Oh Harvey, what am I going to do with you ? I cannot even take you out in civilized company,” Maybelle teased.

“And you wouldn’t have me any other way, woman. And you know it,” Harvey said with a side-grin.

“Oh looky, there’s the Horses under that grove of oaks down beside the creek,” Maybelle directed as she pointed up ahead.

“Well, that’s one way to change the subject,” Harvey said good humouredly.

Maybelle grinned and patting Harvey’s knee said, “Why, I wouldn’t have you any other way, Harvey. Who else, besides you, would ask me about the sex habits of Rattlersnakes ?”

Harvey laughed outright, “Well, there’s that strange Little Lady in the Dentist’s office…”

Maybelle laughed and said, “Well, there is that.”


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A Young Boy/Man's Rage, and A Knife He Wanted to Be a Gun
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