-It’s good to be a Jew on Christmas. I get to spend my Christmas bonus on a bag of potatoes and jelly donuts. We also get to save on the electricity bill by lighting candles.

-Samsung sales rise as many choose the brand for their in-laws on Christmas.

-Ice skating now banned on Holiday season because considered deemed too dangerous.

-It’s that time of the season you find out who divorced who.

-If I were the UN, I’d put diabetes awareness month to coincide with the holiday season.

-It’s that time of the season when you find out who eloped with who.

-Seriously, if you want job security, sell suitcases.

-I bet every holiday season you have that relative you haven’t talked to in months show up with a business suit and an attitude. That’s usually part of the picture.

-I bet every holiday season you have that relative who won’t eat anything a part for the ice cream despite only weighing 100 pounds just so you can notice.

-It’s a beautiful life. Check. Home Alone 1 and 2. Check. Mariah Carey’s all I want for Christmas is you. Check. Red paper cups at Starbucks. Check. How the Grinch stole Christmas. Check. Sit-com Christmas episodes. Damn. Where did those go?

-Let me tell you a Christmas secret. The idea is getting the kids stuffed and the men drunk, that way they don’t get to complain about their presents the next day.

-I love books but giving me books for Christmas is probably a bad idea. You see the problem is I’ve read so many of them chances are I’ll have read that book. I know I like to brag sometimes.

-I would like to thank the Doctors and Nurses who are on duty for Christmas for those of us who might have food intoxication on Christmas. And the on duty police officers who keep us safe.

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah!