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I Am Simultaneously and Always My Past, Present and Future
by Leah Sellers
2016-12-09 09:12:55
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Being a CareGiver has given me the great privilege to Touch many wonderful and interesting Lives, and have mine Touched by them.

Since being accidentally crippled by one of my students almost ten years ago now, and being left crippled by the dysfunctional Workers Compensation System of Texas, and the school system’s Insurance Company who could afford a high paid, and very good lawyer, which I could not afford, I have learned a lot about mySelf, and managing daily, chronic pain.

health01_400_03I have a dislocated hip and vertebrae, which have weakened and ruined my overall Health considerably with each passing year.  But I have been able to manage the pain through my Meditation Practices, Forcing my Body to Work in Service to the Elderly or Sick, who are in many cases far more crippled up or ill, and in need of help than I am, and the use of natural herbal remedies and ibuprophen.

I made the mistake of signing over my Health to the Workers Compensation System, on the advice of the school nurse, not understanding that when I did so that I would no longer be able to use the Health Insurance I had been paying on each month since I had been hired by the school district.

The moment I entered the Workers Compensation System, because of torte reforms made on the Texas law books by other high paid lobbyists and lawyers of other Insurance Companies back in the 1990’s, that I was totally unaware of,  I had entered the Lion’s Den.  I was no longer a Patient.  I had become a Litigant.

Break a finger, an arm, a leg…etc., they will give you a minor pause in their sometimes functioning dysfunctional System, but you will eventually be put through their Medical Meat Grinder.  Need some really expensive surgical work done ?  Then get ready for their Hearing after Hearing after Hearing Runaround Game-playing Masquerade.  Whew !

Why could I not afford a Good Lawyer to help me with my case ?  Because it was against my principles to sue the school system (which would have punished innocent tax paying Parents and their Children by taking monies out of their coffers) or the Guardians of the young man who accidentally injured me (who had taken my student as a young boy off the back streets of Mexico City, adopted him, and given him a loving Home in America).  The lawyers I sought saw no Real Money in my case.  All I wanted the System to do was to Fix Me.  That was it.  Plain and simple.  Just Fix Me.

However, most of our Medical Systems are now Created upon the Golden Calf premise of Greedily Enrich Me, not the Moral Obedience to the Hippocratic Oath to Do What You Can to Fix Me.

So, after tiring of the Hearing Runaround Games, I politiely told them what I thought of them, and went my own way.

Disillusioned by the whole experience, I sought something new.  I had worked in hospitals and with Eldercare while working my way through Universities, and performing musically.  So, being vainly aware of my altered physicality, Quasi Modo-like movement of my Body, drastically altered Quality of Life, and inability to do a lot of the Physical and Social Activities that had so been a part of my every day Life, I decided to help those who needed Help more than I did, and did not care about what I looked like or how I moved around as long as their Needs and Deeds got met, and got done.

And since I was no longer able to be the busy Gad-About that I had once been, I sat down behind a Computer and began to Write Stories.

Before getting Crippled I had always been focused upon Teaching Secondary Education English, History, Social Studies, Special Education and Behavioral Therapy for the Emotionally Disturbed and Autistic, and Writing Songs and Performing them with my Sisters or Others.  I had also made a career of carving Archetypal Wooden Furniture and Murals and embedding various Stones within many of the multicultural mythological pieces, and writing Poems to explain the motifs.

Sigh !  No more Equine Therapy work with the emotionally or physically handicapped for me.  No more kayaking the Rivers and the Oceans for me with students, family and friends.  No more backpacking, hiking or biking through National or State Parks for me.  No !  No !  No !  And I had to learn to Accept this with Grace or grow bitter and go crazy.  Argh !

What a Choice !  But it was a Choice.  So, I put my Shoulder to the Wheel, and built a whole other Life for myself with the generous and Loving Helping Hearts and Souls of Family and Friends, and Friends yet to come my way.  And the use of Light and Dark, Creative and Destructive Cosmological Energies which swarm in myriads of Patterns all around us every nano-second of the Day and Night that I have Acknowledged as, and call God.

And, in my Experience, Prayer and Meditation is what created a Conduit for those Energies in my Body, Heart, Mind and Soul, and has kept me getting out of bed every morning, and Moving through Life as Gracefully and Happily as possible.

While on this journey, I made a Discovery about my Self and other Selves in general.  I am always simultaneously my Past, my Present and my Future.

I always hear people say leave your Past behind.  It’s Past, already.  Learn to stay in the Present, and leave the Future to God.

First catch to that Advice is that I was always taught that ‘God Helps those who Help ThemSelves’.

Next catch to that is that the Past never leaves us.  It is always with us.  It is always a part of us.  It runs like a Main Base Thread through the Rippling, Waving, Little and Big Bang Tapestries of our Present and our Future.  There is no leaving it behind.  It is inescapable.

I can wave my Hand through the Molecular Air, and in that nano-second in Time and Space I am Creating a Motion, and multitudes of Other unseen Molecular Motions, which are simultaneously Past, Present and Future.

To Heal Ourselves of things which occurred in the Past, but which Persist and continue to Exist in other various Energetic Forms and Reverberations in the Present, we must BeCome Aware of, Acknowledge and Choose to Work to Heal those Past things in our Present.  It is a Choice.  It is an Act of Will.  God Given Will.

When we Heal our Past we simultaneously Heal our Present and our Future.

It is inescapable, because of Memory, because of Choices made or not made, Opportunities taken, let go of, not taken or lost, Doors opened or Doors closed, Doors never found, Good timing or Bad timing, Actions taken or not taken…..

While working on my Healing Processes, I Realized that I am but an Energetic Continuum.  That I am always my Past, Present and Future within the ebb and flow, the Little and Big Bangs, of Light and Dark, and Creative and Destructive Energies that are parts of, products of, by-products of, increments and excrements of Ourselves and everything else around us.

That All of Us from our First Breath are History, the Story in the Making and the Story yet to Be Made.

And that is what helps me through the Conduit of Prayer and Meditation to Park, to Pause in Stillness (that is actually never still), in my Present from time to time to Work simultaneously on my Past and my Future in order to Create different and various Patterns with them and with me.  That leads me to Believe that We are but God Energies Moving amidst and within other God Energies.

What a Wonderful and Wonder-filled World and Cosmos we all Live within.

Whoever said that Prayer and Meditation were boring and useless ?!



Check Leah Seller's EBOOK
A Young Boy/Man's Rage, and A Knife He Wanted to Be a Gun
You can download it for FREE HERE!


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Emanuel Paparella2016-12-09 20:15:56
Thanks for sharing this poignant personal narration Leah. Alfred N. Whitehead writes in one of his books that religion is what one does with one's loneliness. Yours is a good example of that slogan and it certainly beats the sociological positivistic rather vacuous descriptions of religion and spirituality one reads nowadays. God bless you.

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