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by Asa Butcher
2006-11-30 10:39:52
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Way, way back in time, before the first creatures crawled out of the oceans and decided to develop lungs, there were only single cell organisms bereft of any bones and they were called invertebrate. Now, you may not know this, but my family line descends directly from the only invertebrate that managed to injure its spine.

Yes, while swimming around in the primordial goop, a creature with no spine managed to put its back out and evolve into what my wife now calls ‘her patient’. Countless mutations and generations later, here I lay in bed with Thanos’ Apple Mac warming my groin and seemingly living the life of a king with my loving wife – in sickness and health, darling – slaving over her bedridden husband.

Spending all day in bed may seem like Utopia to some, but when you are forced into the horizontal position and have no means of escape then it all becomes rather tiresome. Every movement requires half-an-hour of planning, you drink coffee through a straw because you can’t sit up and a sneeze brings tears of pain. You have to ask for a DVD to be played, you have to beg your baby daughter to reveal the secret hiding place of the remote controls and you have to exert self-control when popping those painkillers.

When I first injured my back eight days ago it was while running for a bus. I didn’t even manage the first stride before something went ping and I was forced to wait for the next bus. In the beginning the pain was tolerable and I even attended the scheduled meeting, but upon arriving home the world of pain had a Baby Boom. Heat packs and painkillers were rushed out, and the emergency services tersely informed me that this is not considered worthy of an ambulance.

Ok, I didn’t phone for an ambulance, but my finger certainly hovered over quick-dial for a few minutes. After a few days the pain began to recede and I was able to walk to the bathroom without gasps of pain or blinding white light, so, in typical masculine style, I headed out to present our Bad Boys Radio Show. Whoa, was that one of the worst decisions I have made this year.

My pace was so slow that little old ladies were rushing past me carrying heavy bags of shopping, but I could walk no faster. I presented the show with beads of sweat dancing on my forehead and my guests politely walked me to the tram after the show. Once home, my world disintegrated like toilet paper in a raging river. I collapsed and couldn’t move until the next morning; if I had been a horse then a gunshot would have rung out that night.

Finally, after eight days and a second relapse, I attended a chiropractor appointment. I hobbled into his office and he commented that I was the worst case he had seen that week. I nodded in gratitude and he went on to diagnose me with acute lumbago, “I wouldn’t call it cute!” I feebly quipped. Quite rightly he ignored me and explained further the causes and what to do, or more like what not to do, such as never use heat packs on it. Oh.

Now I am back home and laying on our sofa bed in the lounge. This week was supposed to be full of work on the computer, we were going to see Helsinki’s Christmas lights turned on, celebrate my daughter’s name day and I was finally going to see the new James Bond film, but one early bus has left me laying on a squeaky sofa bed in pain, no quick cure and just a blanket of self-pity to keep me warm.

I guess that would have made an excellent final paragraph, but I know how much you love to hear of the humiliation of your Ovi staff, so…now I am left with the choice of extreme agony of crawling to the toilet or christening the brand new potty we have bought for our daughter. The bladder is really pulsating, which option shall I choose.

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Chris2006-11-30 14:47:38
Glad you made it back, Asa. Sending wishes for a quick recovery.

Asa2006-12-03 09:59:45

i'm still sitting, hmm, leaning to the right and that has been a week!

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