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Rob Jenkinson's Letters from America #12
by Rob Jenkinson
2006-12-03 12:21:27
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Well, readers, it has finally happened. I always knew it would at some point, but I chose not to believe it. I've heard many stories of it happening to other people and seen it happen with my own eyes, but, still, I didn't want to think it'd ever happen to me. But last night, it did.

I've finally become just like the rest of the driving population of America and got pulled over by the nearly fascist US traffic police. Now, anyone who knows me will tell you that I have a mini problem with authority, especially those in power who have moustaches; I call it the "Hitler Complex".

Just look at pretty much any dictator and check if they have a moustache or not. I'm willing to bet that at least 90% of them do. It gives off a desired cock face look of superiority that is supposed to be intimidating, as if to say, "See this on my upper lip? Bet you can't grow one, so I'm going to fuck you over." The moustache does not intimidate me; I just know that when confronted with it, I'm going to get spanked.

So, what was my offense? Speeding? No. Jumping a red light? No. Drink driving? Nope. My offense was that I passed a police car that was parked in the hard shoulder and I didn't move into the lane furthest away from it. Yep, that's it. And it has cost me $95. Cocks!

As I said, I passed the car at a snail's pace and then he pulled out behind me and pulled me over. Just like in the movies, a flashlight greeted me in my face as he knocked on my window. I looked up and behind the glare of the torch, I saw a short man with a moustache. "Oh fuck!" I thought, "Short man syndrome and a Hitler complex, I'm screwed!"

Me: "Sorry officer, I didn't think I was speeding."
Hitler Cop: "You weren't. Are you aware of the move over law when a police car is stationary?"
Me: "No, what's that?"
Hitler Cop: "When a police car is stationary in the hard shoulder, you have to move into the lane furthest away from it, unless it's not possible to make that maneuver. That's why you've been pulled over."
Me: "Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't know that. I'm from out of state."
Hitler Cop: "There are signs everywhere." (There isn't, believe me.)
Me: "Sorry, I didn't see them."
Hitler Cop: "Give me your license; I'll be back in a minute."

He then went back to his car where he wrote me my illegible ticket for $95. The big fuck head.

See readers, I would have been more than happy to pay a ticket for speeding, which I do all the time in America, especially where the stupid speed limit of 55mph is enforced. But this is ridiculous.

I've asked five people about this law and no one knows anything about it and all five people have said the same thing, "He's probably just making his quota."

I guess this is the same in every country, where traffic police have to issue a certain amount of tickets every month and it makes sense that towards the end of the month they'll hand fines out left, right and centre. But it leaves a nasty taste in my mouth, a taste that that costs $95.

Pass the Listerine, readers because I'm going to wash my mouth out.

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Asa2006-12-03 10:00:51
Come on, Rob! Everybody knows that law.

I got stung by a Finnish traffic warden for parking in the wrong direction. Git.

Rob2006-12-03 18:18:21
Actually, that law is only enforced in a few states, it isn't a nationwide thing. So ner.

Asa2006-12-04 09:48:47

Is that American?

Mike Jennett2006-12-04 22:19:49
$95? You were lucky! At least you didn't get to experience the delights of car impounding plus jail, followed by a vagrancy charge for not having $3 in cash, lost work time, lawyer's fees and points on the licence.

Rob2006-12-05 17:12:33
Yes Mike, you're right.

My father in law told me a story about when he was in the south, Louisiana, and got pulled over for speeding.

The cop said: "How much money do you have on you?"

My father inlaw being an honest sort and having just cashed his pay check said, "Well, I've got three hundred and eighteen dollars and twenty eight cents."

The cop smiled at him and said, "well son, this is your lucky day. The price of your ticket is three hundred and eighteen dollars. You can keep the change."

Paul Thomas2006-12-06 18:34:44
Rob, I suspect it's only a matter of time before I see you on The World's Wildest Police Videos. 'Celebrity' Sheriff John Bunnell will narrate over the badly edited footage of your high speed pursuit, before adding some hilarious yet harsh comment about the hard time you'll soon be serving.

His previous best are here: http://www.globalcitizen.co.uk/about/bunnell.html

Asa2006-12-06 19:13:17
I don't know, Paul.

If he is driving anything like that old Ford Cortina he used to own then a high-speed pursuit is the stuff of dreams.

Jim2006-12-07 02:27:52
I love it how you always start off with, "well, readers" its pure jazz club delivery.

Asa2006-12-07 09:57:45
His writing is almost freeform jazz too ;)

Rob2006-12-08 22:32:58
Jim, I do that under the heavy presumption that I have readers. I like to pretend.

Anyway, "looks like this guy's got himself a oneway ticket to JAIL!"

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