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A Whore Called the American Dream A Whore Called the American Dream
by Adam Graupe
2009-05-07 09:13:35
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Ernie and Dodge were two Mountain Gorillas sitting in Bukowski’s Tavern.  Ernie said, “We can provide you with a 20 percent discount over what Fred’s Sanitation offers you.”

Dodge said, “Let’s have a drink before we get down to the details. “  He lit a cigar and leaned back.

Ernie was a salesman and his mission was to have Dodge accept a contract providing sanitation services for West Side Mall, which required twelve dumpsters emptied daily.  If Ernie didn’t get the contract signed by tomorrow morning he would be fired.   

Dodge tugged at Ernie’s shirtsleeve and whispered, “Look at those high yellows at the bar.”

Ernie turned and looked at the high yellows who were four giraffes standing in short skirts and staring at a couple of lions sitting in the corner.

“Hot damn!”  Dodge pounded his fists on his chest.   “Look at all of that leg covered in silk.   It just goes on and on.  I’m in heaven.”  He ordered and downed a Vodka 7.

Ernie ordered a tall beer.  He thought, “Just one beer.  Better make it last.”  He sipped on it while Dodge gulped two more Vodka 7’s.  Ernie said, “Like I mentioned earlier, I have a contract prepared in my briefcase with a generous discount.”

Dodge wiped his face with his shirtsleeve and said, “You brought your briefcase in here?  Let’s forget about business for now.   I’ll sign before we leave.  Come on.   Let’s talk to those women.”  He stood up and walked over to the giraffes.

Ernie followed and ordered the shorter giraffe a martini.  He downed a second beer while Dodge downed a dozen Vodka 7’s.  Ernie thought “This is insanity.  I just want to go home to Betty, and she’ll have a fit if I’m home late.”

A Zebra in a dress stood on a stage reciting poetry.  Ernie turned and listened to the her recite, “I am a red eyed frog floating on a leaf down a river full of your tears. ”  Ernie rolled his eyes and listened to Dodge hamming it up for the giraffes.  For a moment, with all of the noise and people talking at once, he thought he couldn’t take it anymore.  He felt like everyone around him was from the jungle where all of the humans lived acting like beasts.   

The lions left with two of the giraffes and the remaining two sat at a table with Ernie and Dodge.  Ernie hustled to the men’s room and returned to find his table empty.  The server, an old armadillo with bifocals, dropped the tab on the table and said, “Your friends ditched you.”

Ernie had $30 for the “entertainment allowance” in his wallet but the tab was $121.50.  He put the balance on his Visa and pulled out the contract.  Dodge was drunk enough to have signed the contract without realizing it.  “It sounded like he would have signed anyway.”  Ernie signed Dodge’s name on the contract and stumbled out to his Volkswagen.

Ernie drove home.  His wife Betty, a Mountain Gorilla, stood arms akimbo dressed in a fuzzy bathrobe in the doorway.  “Why were you out so late?  And you stink of beer.”

Ernie shrugged and said, “I had to entertain this client to get a contract signed.  It took longer than I thought it would.”

Betty shouted, “I bet you were out with some whore!”

Ernie pulled his tie off, stumbled over to a chair and sat down head spinning.

Betty said, “And don’t wear your shoes in the house!”  She shouted “What was her name?”

Ernie reclined back in the chair and said nothing thinking maybe he shouldn’t have signed Dodge’s name and let himself be fired so could lose the house and Betty.

“What was the whore’s name?”

Ernie said, “Her name was the American Dream and I’m sick of her.”

Betty walked off to the bedroom, slammed the door shut and Ernie listened to her locking the door.  He stood up, lumbered to the kitchen and searched the icebox in vain.  Then he walked into the guestroom and collapsed on the foldaway bed to sleep off another day.


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