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How bizarre! How bizarre!
by Thanos Kalamidas
2013-01-05 10:49:24
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French woman trapped in Roubaix shop for New Year

biz0001_02While most people celebrated New Year's Eve with parties and fireworks one pensioner in northern France spent the night alone in a locked supermarket. The 73-year-old woman felt faint at the store in Roubaix and went to the toilet. But when she came out later she found the shop deserted and locked up.

French media say she set off the alarm repeatedly and spent the night wandering the aisles, but nobody came. A member of staff found her safe but exhausted on Tuesday morning.

The local newspaper La Voix du Nord says the woman was taken to hospital for a health check. She had tried unsuccessfully to get some sleep in the Intermarche supermarket's staff office, and had not helped herself to any New Year treats from the shelves.


Woman elated by return of suitcase full of lobster

biz0002_03Halifax Regional Police have cracked a very fishy case involving lost luggage filled with frozen lobster and Christmas gifts. A Metro Transit bus driver found a black, medium-sized suitcase near Kearney Lake Road and Dunbrack Street at approximately 11 a.m. on Dec. 31. The driver turned the suitcase over to Halifax Regional Police. They opened it up to find several packages of frozen lobster, a Wii, gifts and women's clothing. The police put out a call for help on Wednesday.

"Are you missing a suitcase full of lobster and gifts?" Halifax Regional Police said in release. "Officers were unable to find any identification to determine the rightful owner." It didn't take long to find the owner. The story quickly spread through social media. In the meantime, Krista Nash — the suitcase owner's sister-in-law — had posted a message on Kijiji asking for help in finding the suitcase. An unidentified woman saw both the Kijiji advertisement and the police notice and contacted Nash.

"I didn't even get her name, I was so excited," Nash told reporters on Wednesday. "Her phone number didn't show up on the phone so I couldn't even call back but very thankful that she was able to put two and two together and give me a call." Nash said the suitcase belongs to her sister-in-law, Stacey Nash, who had been visiting Nova Scotia from Toronto. The family drove her to the airport on New Year's Eve in a pickup truck. "It was an early morning flight and we were heading to the airport and my husband put my sister-in-law's suitcase on the back of the truck. He thought she was going to put her other bag in there so he left the tailgate down," said Nash.


Monsanto Cucumbers Cause Genital Baldness - Immediately Banned in Nova Scotia

biz0003_400_01A six-month study by AgriSearch, an on-campus research arm of Dalhousie University, has shown that genetically modified (GM) cucumbers grown under license to Monsanto Inc. result in serious side effects including total groin hair loss and chafing in "sensitive areas", leading to the immediate and total ban of sales of all that company's crop and subsequent dill pickles. The tracking study of 643 men and women in Nova Scotia came about after reports began to surface about bald field mice and the bald feral cats that ate them being discovered by farmers on acreages growing the new crop.  "The bald wild animals raised a huge flag and we immediately obtained subpoenas for the medical records of all 600 plus adults who took part in focus groups and taste tests of the cucumbers by Monsanto in Canada," said Dr. Nancy Walker, Director of Public Health Research at Dalhousie. "Fully 3/4 of the people who ate these cukes had their crotch area hair fall out. This is not a joking matter at all...these people now have hairless heinies."

Nova Scotia became the first province or state in North America to ban a Monsanto GM food product, although GM corn and other food crops are currently outlawed in Ireland, Japan, New Zealand, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Greece and Hungary. Governments in Australia, Spain, UK, France, Turkey, India and Mexico have public petitions or legislative bills under consideration. Californians recently voted down a bill that would have required all GM foods to be clearly labelled. Monsanto cucumbers have been ordered removed from all food stores in Nova Scotia, while Quebec stores have begun a voluntary removal, partially because the UPC code stickers contain some English. "I pulled down my boxer shorts to get ready for bed one night and there it was...a pile of hair that looked like a chihuahua puppy," said Eric LaMaze, who was paid $50 by Monsanto to compare the tastes of natural cucumbers to Monsanto GM cucumbers in March of this year in Halifax. "Then I saw my bits and whoa they were like all shiny skin. Bald." Mr. LaMaze and other taste test participants said the GM cucumbers tasted the same as the naturally grown cucumbers but made a slight "fizzing noise" when swallowed. The participants also complained of raw skin in their genital area and some bed wetting.

Monsanto Inc., a self-described Sustainable Agriculture Company based in Creve Coeur, Missouri, where they share offices with major shareholder Bain Capital, issued a statement saying, "Next generation fruits and vegetables, including VO5 cucumbers, are safe for human consumption with some potential minor side effects. Some fine-tuning is underway." McDonald's Corp. issued a statement following the Nova Scotia ban announcing that they will replace dill and sweet cucumber pickles on their burgers with non-GM pickled zucchini as a precaution until it is proven that no Monsanto pickles were sold into the North American market. McDonald's website contains a bulletin to that effect and includes a revised hip-hop Big Mac jingle that now sings, "Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickled zuke, onions on a sesame seed bun." Federal Minister of Health Leona Aglukkaq said a Canada-wide recall and ban will be issued within 24 hours. "The Government of Canada takes this very, very seriously," said the Minister. "Being hairless down there should be a matter of personal choice for Canadian men and women and not one taken away by a cucumber. They used to have the real cucumber slices in those salad things at the City Hall Dining Club," sighed Former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford on the courthouse steps after being impeached by a Provincial Judge. "Those were good times..."


More people killed with hammers clubs each year than rifles

biz0004_01According to the FBI annual crime statistics, the number of murders committed annually with hammers and clubs far outnumbers the number of murders committed with a rifle. This is an interesting fact, particularly amid the Democrats' feverish push to ban many different rifles, ostensibly to keep us safe of course.  However, it appears the zeal of Sens. like Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) and Joe Manchin (D-WV) is misdirected. For in looking at the FBI numbers from 2005 to 2011, the number of murders by hammers and clubs consistently exceeds the number of murders committed with a rifle.

Think about it: In 2005, the number of murders committed with a rifle was 445, while the number of murders committed with hammers and clubs was 605. In 2006, the number of murders committed with a rifle was 438, while the number of murders committed with hammers and clubs was 618.  And so the list goes, with the actual numbers changing somewhat from year to year, yet the fact that more people are killed with blunt objects each year remains constant. For example, in 2011, there were 323 murders committed with a rifle but 496 murders committed with hammers and clubs.  While the FBI makes is clear that some of the "murder by rifle" numbers could be adjusted up slightly, when you take into account murders with non-categorized types of guns, it does not change the fact that their annual reports consistently show more lives are taken each year with these blunt objects than are taken with Feinstein's dreaded rifle.

Another interesting fact: According to the FBI, nearly twice as many people are killed by hands and fists each year than are killed by murderers who use rifles. The bottom line: A rifle ban is as illogical as it is unconstitutional. We face far greater danger from individuals armed with carpenters' tools and a caveman's stick.  And it seems fairly obvious that if more people had a gun, less people would be inclined to try to hit them in the head with a hammer.

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Emanuel Paparella2013-01-05 11:58:39
Quite iron-tight “logical”: if we don’t want to be killed by hammers we need to subscribe to the NRA and promote the proliferation of guns and assault weapons so that we can get the guys with the hammers before they get us. Logical!

That may explain why the other day a man was arrested while walking stark naked with a samurai sword in one hand and an assault weapon in the other. I suppose he was covering all the bases. Or could it me that he and the society in which he lives is slightly deranged?

But wait a minute: hammers and samurai swords and assault weapons don’t kill people, people kill people. So the best thing is to declare with the NRA that all hammers and all weapons (including atom bombs)are born innocent till society corrupts them...

How about turning hammers into plowshares? Another bizarre idea that wouldn’t work: it would promptly be found unconstitutional by the NRA.

Emanuel Paparella2013-01-05 15:02:05
P.S. I forgot about clubs. There is nothing that can be done about that. From primordial times clubs have been needed to conquer women; that is to say, to hit them over the head and carry them into the cave.

Thanos2013-01-05 21:36:19
Conspiracy theory but I have the feeling that FBI's timing about hammers clubs and that more murders happened with them than with guns is a bit ...suspicious!!!

Emanuel Paparella2013-01-06 08:17:31
Indeed Thanos, common sense would dictate your suspicion but ideological fanaticism always marches at the tune of rational logic. That's how it succesfully covers up its travesty of the truth.

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