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Tectonic Plates Are the Devil's Propaganda: Robertson is a Prophet
by N. L. Wilbur
2010-01-21 10:03:55 |
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I was originally going to devote this column space to a long rant about how much I love little goats and how much I loathed Valentine’s Day. But then that monster of an earthquake hit Haiti, and, well, priorities are priorities in the news industry, so I’ll have to share my baby goat affection another time.
There’s a silver lining to every cloud, as they say, and that earthquake, as catastrophic as it was, had the effect of outing one of America’s most well-known and loved evangelists; it revealed that an angel walks among us. I needn’t even speaketh the great soul healer’s name, but for those out there not yet touched by the divine hand of Mr. 700 Club, I’m referring to the Honorable Reverend Pat Robertson.
I’ve got nothing personal against Pat. I’ve always respected the man. He’s the only guy I know (not personally, of course; I have standards) who has kept his faith and his hairline better than most men half his age -- including Rush Limbaugh, who, for some reason, is now on the same playing field as Robertson.
That said, I can’t help but feel touched by old Patty after his comments regarding Haiti. He recounted what he called a “true story” about how the Haitians entered a pact with the Devil in order to escape the French -- back in the early 19th Century -- and as a result of becoming the only nation born of a slave revolt are now being punished by God for keeping such wretched associations. Tectonic plates be damned. In the ever-shrinking sphere of the spirit of the Lord, we hath not room for blasphemous science! Nor history, apparently.
I knew Pat was a man of wisdom years ago when I saw him healing people on TV (sometimes through the telephone!), but after I heard his rendition of Haitian history, I was forced to recalibrate my already deep respect for the man. If he has the healing powers of Jesus and has an obviously detailed tally of those who keep pacts with the Devil, then he must be more angelic than I originally thought. A modern-day prophet, even.
The uproar over Pat’s comments are expected. Not everyone is as devout in his faith and so imbued with divine wisdom as the man who so accurately summarized feminism as “a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”
It’s the Pagan-worshippers and Black Magic freaks and the abortionists and feminists who are downright incensed by Pat’s comments. (Probably the same people who thought Pat was off his rocker when he called for an assassination of Hugo Chavez, which was a great idea, by the way. Very Christian-like.) The general understanding from the Dark Side is that no Devil of theirs would let so many people live in such poverty, especially if they made a pact with the Dark Lord himself.
If that were the case, wouldn’t the Devil have provided condos and sports cars and cocaine and Rolex watches to the Haitians? Wouldn’t the nation have become the sex mecca of the world, the New Hollywood, a Caribbean Sin City? Wouldn’t they be bursting with Botox and floating around on Zoloft all day, not a care in the world?
I can almost justify doubting this whole pact business, but Pat’s word is the word of God. We know this from all of truths he’s spoken. He was right about George W. Bush being favored by God: “It doesn’t make any difference what he does, good or bad. God picks him up because he’s a man of prayer and God’s blessing him.” He was right about Planned Parenthood advocating bestiality to children. And he was right about what has since become a well-established fact, that “it is the Democratic Congress, the liberally-biased media and the homosexuals who want to destroy all Christians.” So let it rest at that. Pat’s word is indeed the word of God.
Still, I’ll admit I was initially concerned with a portion of Pat’s tirade. It wasn’t the contradiction in denouncing the Haitian people as Devil worshippers and in the next breath calling for Christians to donate money for their aid that troubled me. It was his failure to find a way to blame the gays. Surely Haiti has gays. Or even one gay person. (It only takes one to curse a nation, you know?)
When he finished his history lesson and failed to note such an obvious cause of the great earthquake, I fell to my knees in prayer, begging God to help Pat relocate his divine marbles. But then I remembered what he said back in 1993 about Hitler’s men being Satanists, and how “many were homosexuals,” and how “the two things seem to go together.” I understand now that homosexuality being the cause of the earthquake was implied, and Pat trusted us to make the connection without him speaking in parables.
It takes but a layman to make the connection that if Haitians are Devil worshippers (Satanists), and Satanists are homosexuals, then Haitians are homosexuals -- and responsible for God’s decision to strike down the evil-doers. Enough said. Pat hasn’t lost his marbles after all. Amen.
Haiti Christianity |
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