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A Freed Voice in the Wilderness A Freed Voice in the Wilderness
by Leah Sellers
2009-08-15 09:55:23
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All pride aside. A Moment of Clarity, some would call weakness - self-pity. Perhaps, it is - perhaps, it isn’t. The Moment is here, nonetheless.

The Clarity? I See how differently people View me (perceive me, react to me) in my present Crippled state of Being. And I am simultaneously Ashamed and Freed.

Ashamed? I See It in their Eyes as I approach. This huddled, clumsy, self conscious, shuffling creature, I have Become. I see the pity in their Eyes - the cynicism - the Fear (Thank heavens, that‘s not me). I See the unasked Questions.

What happened to her? This once attractive, energetic, athletic woman who used to bounce into a room - command attention when she arrived. How did she become this awkward creature? This crippled, hobbling, over weight slob? How did it happen? Could it happen to me? God Forbid!

Should I smile and be friendly or turn and walk away? Run away? I hate being around someone who makes me feel uncomfortable - who makes me question mySelf - my Life - Life as a Whole. Why did she have to Walk in my direction? What does this crippled, fear evoking creature want from me? Life is difficult enough as it is. Her presence - her existence only makes it more stressful. Oh no, she’s getting closer!

Who would hire her - this broken down, crippled up, middle aged woman? Who wants her on their Insurance policy? She’s pre-existing anyway. She’s more trouble than she’s worth. Ask any Economist - any Banker. What’s her Value now? What can she contribute? Nothing much! Have off with her!

It will take too much money to Fix her. She’s a liability. She’s on the downhill slide. No where left to land, but in the streets. Homeless.

Freed? Why did I say Freed?

Because, way before I got injured on the job by one of my students. In fact, ever since I can remember, I have always known how crazy our World is - how dysfunctional and dehumanizing our Systems are. I have always seen Their ability to chew a person down - nail them to a cross, and swallow a Soul whole.

I was born Seeing it. It was naked and monstrous to my Child’s Eyes. But I wrapped it up in pretty packages, and denied it behind Rainbow Colored Glasses. I wove Glorious Tapestries of High Ideals, Music, Art and Natural Wonders around the systemic monstrosities and intermittent, but pervasive, ugliness’ of Human Nature.

I Sang of Salvation for All through the Wonders of Spiritual/Universal Love. The Healing Powers of Love, Grace, Compassionate Action, and the Courage to Stand firm, and unwavering, within the Ever Changing Waters of Life.
I created Visual Art full of rich colors and archetypes to highlight some of the Ways to personal and societal Evolution, Healing, Love, Grace, Compassionate Action and Courage.

I wrote Songs, Poetry and Prose, and spoke of the uncertain, vibrant Rhythms of Life. And Rhymes without Reason, and Reasons without Rhyme. But, some how, always extolled how Splendid it was to Discover and Explore the Rhymes within the Reason and the Reasons within the Rhyme. The Art within Science and Science within Art.

And still, the ugly, pseudo-feudalistic, mechanized, corporatized and avariciously devouring Systems we Humans continue to create, perpetuate and mutilate one another with persist - continue to sprout one poisonous Hydra’s head after another.

Freed? How?

When I became broken down - damaged goods, and finally realized that the Insurance Company had no intention of Fixing me. Did not value me enough (economically, morally or philosophically) as a Human Being to do that. But, that It and Its other Systemic Buddies (Workers’ Compensation staff members, lawyers, paper pushers...etc.) could continue to earn money off of my used up carcass - continue to generate a ‘profit’ for their cohorts while slowly and systematically ‘denying’ me ’proper and expedient’ healthcare. Forcing me to expend all of my Life savings, while I continued to Hope - continued to believe that they were finally ’gonna fix me’. The eternal Optimist, I just kept telling myself, “Just be Patient. Pray - Meditate - be a ‘good girl‘, and you’ll be out of this horrendous pain, soon. You’ll be Walking straight and with authority again, soon. You’ll be hiking and biking again, soon. You’ll be kayaking and exploring American waterways with family and friends again, soon. But it was all a Lie!

A Systematic (and Systemic) Lie! Meant to drain of me of everything. Meant to shake me loose - to make me let go - and hobble away a Life time cripple, but no longer ’their problem to fix’. I finally realized that the System had been set up to drain me (and everyone else like me) of Who I am, and turn me into something other than Who I Used to Be, with unintentional (economic and Conscienceless) malicious intent aforethought.

Freed? Because through a tough run of a series of very Unfortunate Events, I lost the ability to keep a roof over my head. I became more and more disenfranchised and Homeless with every passing day. Finally, one morning I woke up and realized that something inside of me had ’let go’.

Yes, I ‘let go’ of the pretense of living as though our dysfunctional, dehumanizing and unjust economic Systems have a logically ethical, and holistically meaningful purpose (other than to serve the Few who covet, acquire and manipulate the Life of kings and queens off of the backs, sweat and blood of the rest of Humanity). I really began to more deeply question Who and What I truly was - truly Am!

I am almost penniless - Homeless - but does that make me less Gifted - less Talented? Does it make me Sing less poignantly? Does it diminish my ability to Create Art? To create and write Songs, Poetry and Prose? Does it make me less of a dedicated Teacher? Less of a Human Being - a Purposeful Sentient Being?

Just because I am living at the periphery of the corporatized, mechanized, cruelly avaricious, pseudo-feudalistic Systems around me - does my Life, as a Whole, cease to have Meaning and Purpose? Who gives Me Meaning and Purpose? Me or Them?

Freed? Because as my Body became more crippled and more pain stricken over the past two and half years, my Spirit became stronger. I used my Meditation practices and skills to effectively ease my physical and emotional pain. I visualize the damaged parts of my spine, my spine as a whole, and my Body as a whole, Atomically. I pour white, radiant Light into every Atom, and run it throughout my Body and Mind like the ebb and flow of an Oceanic Wave. Many times, my Body is covered in sweat after my Meditation Visualizations. However, when my pain eases, and my Mind and Body are Calmed, I drift off to Healing sleep.

Freed? Because, due to the Compassionate Actions of Friends, I am allowed to live peacefully amongst the organic Energies and Patterns of the Forest, the Horses, the Cats, the Dogs, the Birds, the Grasshoppers, the Snakes, the Skunks, the Raccoons, the Foxes and Coyotes. Coyote - the Trickster. Life can certainly be a Trickster.

Despite having not been released by the doctors yet to get a job, everyone is gently pushing me to rejoin the Human Race. And how do we do that? We get a job, and become an active member of the dysfunctional, dehumanizing systems again.

I don’t know if I can even do that anymore. I ‘let go’ of it all (for the most part), and I really don’t value it enough to belong to the Systems as I once did. Also, the Systems don’t Value me enough to allow me to return. I’m broken and damaged goods. I’m not Cost Efficient.

Perhaps, I’ll find a different way to re-enter Society.

I admire President Obama, and Others like him. Like the chivalrous knight, St. George, he Sees the Social Dragons which must be slain in order to save the Village - save the World. But unlike me - he (and the Others like him) still has the stamina and fortitude to charge after the Social Leviathans. To fight them. To defeat them. And to attempt to Save and Constructively Change the World - to lead the World upon the path of Enlightened Attainment and Governance.

No wonder Christ lived a Nomadic Life. He kept himself off of the dysfunctional and Soul Eating Systematic grid - out of the cruel jaws of our so called noble/ignoble legal, political and economic Systems. Although, the Jewish and Roman Systems were determined to grab hold of him - to make him accountable to them - and, through his crucifixion, ultimately did.

Christ said, ’Render to Caesar, what is Caesar’s’, but because of his Lifestyle and his Life‘s Purpose, Christ, did not belong to Caesar (or any other Human System).

Similarly, the Homeless do not truly belong to Caesar.

In fact, in Reality, We, the People, (even those who are very comfortably entrenched within the Systems) own nothing. The Banks (and their compadres) own it all. And, under just the right (or wrong) circumstances, they can call the ’note due‘, at any Time. We’re all living on borrowed Land - on borrowed Time (so to speak). Foreclosures, Imminent Domain, Repossessions, the tenuous Rules and Vagaries of War and War Zones, and Destructive Acts of Nature have taught us that. Everything and Anything can be taken away from you at a moment’s notice or happenstance.

And what’s even more ludicrous is that we’re so afraid of Change - so afraid of the Unknown - so against being made uncomfortable in order to make progress within the difficulties inherent within the Processes of Change, that we fight to keep our Dysfunctional and Dehumanizing Systems dysfunctional and dehumanizing!

Take Healthcare. If money’s such a problem concerning Healthcare- if we can’t stop arguing over who’s going to pay for it - if we’re really all disgusted at how outrageously over inflated its costs have become - if the system is just too complex and complicated - why don’t we Simplify it? Why don’t we make Everyone ’pay it forward’? Why don’t we put a Two Cent Medical Healthcare Tax on Everything and Anything bought and sold in America, and on Everything we export into, and sale to other countries? That way Everyone who exists upon American soil or does business with America abroad is contributing to - ‘paying it forward’ to the American Healthcare System.

The Two Cent Medical Healthcare Tax could be collected by a Central National Economic Medical Center and then evenly distributed (according to each state’s needs) to Central State Economic Medical Centers representing each of the fifty United States. Every penny Transparent, Regulated and Accounted for. Every penny to be spent on nothing else but proper and expedient Healthcare for every Human Being (no matter what, no matter what age, and in spite of pre-existing conditions).

Now, that would be a System to be proud of - a System based on doing what is Right, Just and Humane instead of what is ‘only profitable‘.

However, the Insurance Companies, who own the Banks (and vice-versa), who own the pharmaceutical companies, who own the medical supplies and research facilities and patents, who own the clinics and hospitals, who own the..... will all have good reasons to say, “No!” The Systems they have in place have made the majority of them outrageously wealthy and powerful. Why would they want to Change the present, Dysfunctional and Dehumanizing Systems? Where’s the Profit in it for them? They will (and are) fighting, and spending a lot of money in ‘just the right places’ to prevent any Changes occurring to the dysfunctional and dehumanizing American Healthcare System.

In fact, why should they or anyone else listen to We, the People? They think us easily led and misled to do their bidding at the drop of a hat (or a well placed dollar). Especially, the disenfranchised and Homeless riff-raff? Who do we think are, anyway?

Perhaps, the Rich and Powerful are right. Who am I, anyway? I’m just a crippled, over the hill, washed up, throw away. I (and everyone else like me) don’t deserve to be a part of this debate - this struggle. I’m (We’re) just collateral damage! I (We) don’t count! I am (We are) a Valueless Existence!

I am but a Single Voice - albeit a Freed Voice - in the Wilderness. I vacillate daily between Shame and Freedom. All pride and Societal Shackles aside. The Sun is shining, the Birds are Singing, a gentle, warm Breeze is blowing, and I am Grateful for a Momentary Breath of Convoluted Clarity.


   
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Emanuel Paparella2009-08-15 18:29:22
How sad and how poignant and yet a testimony to the endurance of the human spirit that keeps on hoping and discerning what is improtant and what is trivial in life. Was it Voltaire who said that there is no God we would have to invent one. Even he understood that without God life is pretty futile and meaningless and not really worth living and words like brotherhood and sisterhood sound hollow. Courage sister Leah. I think you are in a good place, despite it all.


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