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Spam
by Raphael Hadid
2008-01-27 09:41:50 |
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Ever since I first opened an email account about ten years ago, I received tons of spam. I’ll share their contents with you.
I have accumulated around 2,000 years of good luck ahead of me for forwarding spams. I also got around 5,000 years of bad luck for not doing so. A girl should kiss me every 12 minutes, and around 700 women are secretly in love with me. My good luck includes good luck in love, career and overall. So does bad luck. Thousands, from all around the world, also sent me naked pictures of them and bluntly asked me to meet them and have sexual relationships with them. The reason I must be so popular with women is that I bought all that cheap Viagra online and after more than 4,000 emails requesting that I enlarge my manhood, I finally did so.
I have all sorts of replicas at home. From fake watches to fake brands, I always tell my friends they are real ones. And of course I should mention that most of the time I order items on the internet that never arrive home.
My bank account is empty due to a phishing scam. My banker told me around 300 times there was something wrong with my bank account; I sent him my information and the next day found my account empty. However, that is compensated by the fact that I won 200 million Euros, 80 million Pounds and 1 billion dollars in lotteries I never participated in. I also made good money taking commissions from African people putting their money in my bank account because otherwise their government confiscates them that money.
Helping the poor and desperate is a cause I always fought for. Thanks to the internet I can do so. I saved thousands of children from starvation with just a click and donated money to around 100 people who were seriously ill. I am also an ecologist; therefore I helped save thousands of species all over the world from disappearing.
Gods make miracles. Several Gods from any religion you can think of saved millions curing Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s and AIDS among other illnesses and viruses. Bibles and religious books, as well as notorious fortune tellers have predicted the world’s most unpredictable events, from John Kerry’s election to the Apocalypse in the year 2000. The 9/11 attacks were not just random attacks, some force was behind them. If not, how do you explain the fact that if you start calculating numbers you always end up finding 11?
Organizations and companies sent me top secret classified information asking me not to buy stocks because the price was going down or to buy them because the price was going up. Top secret organizations also warned me I had to excuse myself for what I did, told me they had an eye on me and I would be a useful asset for them.
And finally, my favorite spam, lists of consecutive words that actually mean something in a sentence that doesn’t mean anything - "A girl scout coffee and cigarettes will remain pompous and rattlesnake. Blood money sex cabin minivan straight left right left." Perhaps secret organizations communicate like that, and of course, accidentally send those messages to everyone. Or some people have nothing to do but compose spams and think some people will be stupid enough to believe the contents.
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