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Tips to negotiate with Persians Tips to negotiate with Persians
by Joseph Gatt
2019-07-14 10:22:03
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Case studies on negotiating with Persians.

Case 1

-Persian: Salam Aleikum

iranis01_400-Westerner: wa aleikum salam

-Persian: How are you?

-Westerner: Fine, thank you, and you?

-Persian: Fine, Thank Allah. How is the weather?

-Westerner: Oh! It's very hot   or -Westerner: Oh! It's very cold outside

-Persian (irritated): Well then you should have warn lighter clothes! Take your shirt off if you want to! They have air-conditioning! Are you saying that in your bloody country the weather is better than here?


-Persian (irritated): You should wear thicker clothes! Are you saying that Ukrainian gas keeps you heated better than Iranian gas? If you're cold you should not have come in the first place!

In sum, never complain about anything, not the weather, not the food, nothing. Everything is perfect, and Iran is heaven on Earth. Or any location is heaven on Earth.

Case 2

You are eating lunch. Iranians serve an aubergine salad but you don't like aubergines or the salad. Iranian asks you whether you like the salad, you reply “I don't like aubergines.” He says something like “in your damn country, you can have caviar, here, it's aubergine salad. Eat it!”

So the idea is, if you don't like the food, remove any attention on you. Try to be as discreet as possible, or talk to divert attention. Play with your aubergine salad and act like you're enjoying it even when you're not eating it. If asked if you like it, smoothly change the topic. Keep smiling, and wait for the waiter to get rid of the salad.

Case 3

You want to get Iran to denuclearize and to stop its empire-building in the Middle East. You shoot the facts at them straight. They get pissed off, trash the table and leave.

What you should do: use North Korea (or Venezuela or Somalia) as a euphemism. At some point they will ask you about your other missions. Tell them, very subtly, that the North Koreans are doing this and that (which is what Iran is really doing) or that the Somalis are doing this and that (which is what Iran is really doing) or that the Venezuelans are doing this and that (which is what the Iranians are really doing). Keep going with stories about Poland, Russia, or even Australia as a euphemism. The euphemistically claim that “we got North Korea to do this” or “we got Somalia to do this” or “we got Ethiopia to do this.

At the conclusion of the first, second or third meeting, the Iranians should be able to understand what they are expected to do. Keep smiling, act like Iran has nothing to do with nothing, eventually the Persians will understand.

Final Case, Case 4

You mention Iranian culture or history, and brag about your knowledge of the culture and the country. Even if you're correct, your Iranian counterpart is irritated, and keeps correcting your historical facts or facts about Persian culture or literature. Your Iranian counterpart re-writes history, and can make outlandish claims such as stating that Germany was once a Muslim kingdom.

So if you want to make small talk, keep repeating “how are you?” “How are you?” “How are you my friend?” “How are you brother?” until they start telling you stories, listen politely, don't chip in, and act neutral while they tell you the stories. You can smile discreetly, but don't go like “wow” or “ah” or “oh” or anything.

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