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Eureka: The new way of writing resumes Eureka: The new way of writing resumes
by Akli Hadid
2018-08-11 09:05:54
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To be simple, the new way to write resumes is the paranoid way to write resumes. The idea is you don't put forward anything other than your ability to perform at tasks and skills. In other words, you leave out anything that has nothing to do with your ability to perform tasks, including ethnicity, age, religion, political affiliation, economic background, social background or anything else. Let me be more specific about this new trend.

-Name. The very new trend, and a lot of people are following it, is to put your initials followed by your last name. That is for example if your name is Jason James Williams, you write J.J. Williams. This is a very recent trend, and has been in reaction to many employers not hiring people with ethnic or religious names.

regum01_400-Scrap the date of birth, address, hometown information. You just include a professional email address, often one that does not betray your first name (we're talking paranoid here) so something like jjwilliams123@mail.com and include a cell phone number (not one with an area code).

-College education. Some like to specify their university of origin, other skip straight to the title of the degree that is something like B.S. in Business, magna cum laude without specifying the university of origin. Remember, some employers are very, very paranoid, and don't want to hire anyone for anything not related to their ability to perform on the job. Also, a lot of people avoid listing too many university activities, and completely avoid listing their date of entrance and graduation, because a lot of times that betrays their age.

-Work experience. Again citing the number of years spent on the job often betrays one's age. So is listing too many internships or listing no internships. So people usually mention the employer’s name, their title (or titles) and more importantly the tasks they performed on the job.

-Awards, certificates and languages. Awards always look good, so do certificates or other skills training. Since we're talking really paranoid here, a lot of people feel weird about mentioning Spanish, Korean, Chinese or Japanese as their heritage language or as a language they speak because that betrays their ethnicity. So they usually mention Spanish plus a little knowledge of a couple other languages, and prefer leaving the details to the job interview.

-Professional affiliations. They are to resumes what condoms were to the AIDS scare. The new generation of employers tends to think that applicants should be members of some kind of professional organization, skills-based organization, focus group or think tank. Remember those should never betray your ethnic or religious affiliation, so words like Christian, Jewish or Italian Roman Catholic should not be part of your professional affiliation.

-References. Again, those tend to betray your ethnicity, because if they all have conventional names you're sending a hint. So references tend to be dealt with during the job interview or later.

-Pictures, scanned copies of documents, scanned copies of transcripts, scanned copies of awards and certificates, scanned copies of professional membership cards. No. No. No. No. and No. That might be dealt with once you're hired.

-Hobbies and pastimes. Only those relevant to the advertised position. If you're applying to an accountant position for example, something like collecting stamps always looks good and says something about your ability to perform tasks. But jogging and brunch could send the wrong signals (remember, paranoid) so you might scrap that out.

-Skills: must be completely related to the position you are applying to. Coding and typing only if computer-science or office-related. Smelting and welding, only if it applies to the job you are applying to.

-And finally, miscellaneous. Remember, we live in strange, weird, paranoid ages. People want to come absolutely clean about the fact they did not hire you for your looks, ethnicity or privileged economic background, but exclusively for your ability to deliver tasks. So the miscellaneous section should be written with a “what if” kind of state of mind, that is I'm at the office and what if someone collapses? I have training in emergency aid and CPR. What if something in the office collapses and needs to be mended? I have DIY skills. What if the sink in the kitchen breaks down and needs fixing. I have plumbing skills. What if there's a fashion show and I need to model for that fashion show. Biiiiiiiiip you crossed the line.

You get the idea. We live in strange times, which are fair times in my opinion. I like the idea that it has become a social norm for employers to try to inculcate into people that they should not try to influence HR to choose them based on anything other than their skills. Good job free countries!


      
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