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Men Are from Earth, Women Are from Planet Impossible Men Are from Earth, Women Are from Planet Impossible
by Stirred Up!
2007-04-29 10:34:53
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The growing cohort of European ‘Bridget Joneses’, the assertive kind whose major spiritual influences have been the Spice Girls and endless repeats of Sex and the City, deserves zero sympathy for being single. In fact, they only have themselves to blame if they end up eating cat food straight out of the tin, glass of Chardonnay in hand, gay best friend on speed dial, and singing along to Celine Dion’s “All by Myself”.

Well, themselves, as well as Carrie Bradshaw of course and her three skinny, neurotic friends. In contrast to our home girl Bridget, they sat in many expensive restaurants, shifting their forks around the plate, but didn’t seem to eat very much, apart from a laxative diet of cosmopolitans and Marlboro Lights. Legend has it that to emulate SJP’s style, many single women, inspired by Europe’s thinnest (and thickest), have to press canapés between their tongue and their palate to extract nutrients, before discreetly discarding the rest in flower pots.

The problem is that sophisticated, cosmopolitan girls have become too demanding for words and too unfair to Europe’s comparatively good-looking, helping-with-duties stock of men. Take L, a female friend, who has been dating in London for a few years: having speed- and blind-dated most of the city, men never meet her impossibly high standards. They are invariably too hairy or not hairy enough (balding); too poor or too rich; too thin or too fat; too young (lack life experience) or too old (too much baggage ); too creative or too uptight (a variation of the too poor, too rich complaint); too English or too continental; too camp or not gay enough. The choice of restaurant is always too cheap or too show-off.

Many men simply live too far away (South London). Another friend can’t possibly be with a man earning less than her, which due to having worked a few years in an investment bank, has significantly restricted her pool of potential suitors. For J, the boyfriend had to go because he was “too friendly with waiters” and “couldn’t decide on the menu” when dining in restaurants, surely the biggest food injustice of all for the Alpha Female in search of her alter ego. This is too bad because he ticked all her other Cosmo-quiz boxes, which are way too numerous to list.

Men in contrast seem less picky, with both food and girls, and apparently end up less single as well, even though how single girls can outnumber single men remains a mystery. I trust what Cosmo's statistics mean is that sophisticated, cosmopolitan, eligible men are not looming large—presumably in contrast to such undesirable types as poor, short, baldies, who come aplenty.

As if being a single girl wasn’t excruciating enough with the imminent return of the wedding season, it is also extremely expensive, not least food-wise. Smart American girls have found the perfect solution: serial dating, for which they will never fork out a penny. Europe is a bit more enlightened. B East, in a previous Eurasia issue, recommends that European female singletons source mail-ordered grooms where they come in oversupply: China. This is certainly a possibility, and we take solace, despite the current troubles at Airbus, to hear that China Airlines has ordered A380 that can carry 900 passengers.

In contrast, Virgin Atlantic will only carry 550 but will have more space for entertainment. This suggests the following food trays: chocolate cake and Prozac on China Airlines, and celery sticks and Cosmos on Virgin Atlantic.

In the mean time, here are the basics of singles’ food!

NORTH

Guys can sometimes ask women out on dates too!

SOUTH

Eating with mummy every night / cooking for your stay-at-home brothers won’t get you a girlfriend / boyfriend!

EAST

Sienna Miller’s Vodka Diet, which made her a Size 0 for Factory Girl, has been known for decades by Bolchoi ballerinas. Only buy the best you can afford: since Putin’s 30% tax hike on spirits, some of the bootleg vodka that has sprung up leads to a slow and painful “yellow death”.

WEST

Men: 5 pints of lager, a packet of crisps, a kebab on the way home and a full English breakfast the next morning is not romantic!
Women: One tub of ice cream and a bottle of Chardonnay for dinner, and a Marlboro light and blackcurrant juice for breakfast does not project confidence!


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