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Eureka: The pseudo-science of relationships
by Jay Gutman
2018-06-29 07:19:40
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A few notes on dating and relationships, in no particular order.

-Don't buy the crap you watch on sit-coms or television dramas. Rules including not saying “I love you” on the first date or waiting for three days after the first date to call to avoid sounding desperate are a bit far-fetched in my opinion. Going to bed with the partner on the first date is weird in real life, and so is breaking up for petty reasons. Icing on the cake: break ups are a lot nastier in real life than in sit-coms, and involve yelling, tears, guilt and in some cases revenge.

relati001_400-When kids come up to me and ask for advice on dating, I ask them a simple question. Do you see yourself going home every day and seeing this person at home? Because you will be sharing chores, dinner, conversation, the entire house and  beds with that person. Some people are fun to hang out with but terrible to live with.

-A simple quiz I tend to give kids is: would he/she be angry if... if you lost your job? If you lost large portions of your money or income in bad investments? If you went gambling? If he/she found out your told him/her a lie? If you come home late? If you check your email before doing the dishes? If you came home drunk? If you complain to him/her about something? If you criticize him/her for something he/she does that bothers you.

-A follow up quiz I tend to give kids is: would he/she celebrate and throw a huge party if... you got a promotion at work? You won an award? You were on national television for some reason? You obtained a diploma/certificate? You got a new job with great or with better pay? If you have an important milestone such as your 30th or 40th birthday? A new skill or trick you were able to pick up? Finished reading an entire library of books? Published an article in a national newspaper? Got 10,000 followers on your blog? Got elected as a member of the local council or town hall?

-A final follow up quiz I tend to give kids is: would you have a very honest conversation with your partner about: your job? Money? Your career? Where to spend your next vacation? What kind of entertainment you would want to watch? Day to day activities? How you behave and your behavior toward each other? Intellectual or philosophical topics? Large expenditures? Small expenditures? Mutual friends and your friends in general? Your family situation and family in general? Fashion and accessories? Sports results and your local bowling league? 

-Now you guessed it. If I'm getting too many “no” answers than the marriage will probably not work out. Of course there can be a lot of chemistry, the relationship might be physically or emotionally rewarding, but if there are too many nos to the question above I know that dating and marriage will probably not end very well. But dating and marriage evolves, some start off terribly but end up being best friends, others start out great and gradually drift apart, others are off to a terrible start and the marriage just goes further downhill.

-To conclude, a word about social media. I've said it before, I'll say it again, nothing beats the good old phone call or meeting in person. If you spend more time on social media than with your partner, there's a bit of a problem. Now if you say yes to a lot of the questions above, don't rest on your laurels. It probably means the relationship is going good, bur relationships requiire work on a daily basis. Finally I don't belive in algorithms or astrology matches or other supersticions. Two Ph.D.s can date a be terrible at the relationship. An aquarius can date a sagittarius and fail the relationship. An aries can date a pisces and the couple can ace the relationship deal.  

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