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Think positive! Think positive!
by Katerina Charisi
2017-11-29 08:31:26
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Over the last few years, the years of recession, gray is the only color I see around me. Sometimes I even feel hate for everybody; I hate my country, I hate the people, I bore everything. I don’t even want to leave my bed in the mornings. And when I finally get up, I don’t want to get dressed. I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to talk to anyone, I change my routes when I’m outside, just to avoid people I know and I would have to say hello.

I have nothing to say anymore.

depr01_400All I want is to wrap myself in a golden cocoon and hang under a parchment leaf; I want to stay right there in a state of absolute Zen (or degradation) until the world changes and then …then I’ll be born again.

I repeat to myself out loud every Coelho’s quote praising the universe and its powers, trying to control my depression, forbidding the bad thoughts to complete in my mind, forcing myself to think positive and attract luck: You are amazing. No, you are not getting old. You are 36 and unemployed and you have two little kids and big debts, so big deal. You still have nice, thick, dark brown hair. No whites. Your DNA is awesome. You are an artist. You are a super mom. You are in deep shit.

Deep shit? Oh no. Let me start over. You are amazing. I love placebos. If I repeat positive words a thousand times, I might actually believe them. And if I believe it, then it will happen. Well, at least that’s according to the universe. Right?

My poverty feeds my spirit and inspires the artist inside me. I became an artist. Besides, I have so much spare time. I read all day and draw mandalas and listen to Indian music. I speak using famous, positive-thinking quotes. I’m improving my artistic skills. But oh, bummer, none of these fills my empty stomach and pays my bills, or put new shoes to my children’s feet. That’s weird… They keep eating plain white bread and pasta and their feet still get bigger. Shouldn’t they wait a little for me to catch up? Every couple of months and they need new shoes.

But wait, I have to believe into the power of universe and find my inner peace. If the system is fucked up and if I don’t have enough money to pay my rent each month, then it’s all my fault because I haven’t found the way to activate the power of the universe and attract luck (yet). All I have to do is compromise and enjoy little things: A good meal, instead of plain pasta. A walk around the park in the rain. A warm blanket in a cold house. We have each other and all that.

I have huge power inside me and I am my only enemy.

Oh, I so want to just jump on a plane and travel around the world with leather sandals on my feet, eating pineapples and fresh fish I catch with my bare hands, and climb the mountains tops.

Yep, that bullshit I keep telling myself every night before I sleep and every morning to force myself to get out of bed. Every time that I put another unpaid bill to the pile and every time I run out of clothes detergent and wash my clothes with shampoo; every time I run out of shampoo and wash my hair with dish soap. To find a reason to live another same, blank day.

Today’s decease is positive thinking: Think positive, just go with the flow and let things happen. You don’t have a job? Well, don’t worry. The universe will get you the perfect job. You can’t pay your rent? Let the universe do its job. Be patient. Just you wait. The time will come.

Positive thinking can actually proven to be …dangerous.

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