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Eureka: New Year's Day jokes
by Jay Gutman
2017-01-01 11:55:50
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-In the 1990s people worked hard but had small egos. In the 2000s people worked less but had bigger egos. Today people work hard on their egos.

new01_400-A Japanese dog, a French dog and an American dog discuss rhetoric. The Japanese dog says: I bark when my master tells me to and bark the way my master wants me to. The French dog says: I keep barking until my master tells me to stop barking, then bark a little in protest. The American dog says: I don’t need to bark because my master thinks I’m his friend.

-In business school the professor discusses making offers to buy companies. How would you make an offer to a company you want to buy? Asks the professor. Student 1 says: I use the white horse. I talk to the company owner and negotiate a deal, then pay him cash for the deal. Student 2 says: How lame! I would use the black horse. Like in the Mrs. Doubtfire movie, I have fictional competitors make several silly and ridiculous offers trying to buy the business at ridiculously low prices then come up with a clean offer, but at a significantly lower price. Student 3 says: Nah, you guys know nothing about business. I would use the yellow horse. I would approach the owner with an envelope opener as a gift, convince some investment firm to loan money to buy the business, split the cash fifty-fifty with the owner, then retire in the Cayman Islands, St. Kitts and Nevis, the Philippines, Mexico or some other country with year-long nice weather. The professor gives the first student a B, the second student a B+ and the third student an A-. The third student then goes to the professor to protest his grade, and that’s when the professor says: so where are you planning to go this summer?

-Drones cause detectives to lose their jobs.

-Facebook causes men to lose their wives.

-Business can be unusual. How do dating sites compete with Facebook?

-A lion, a wolf and a donkey discuss leadership. The lion says leadership is about presence, giving the feeling people think the leader knows everything they’re doing. The wolf disagrees and says leadership is about people thinking you’re not around, then coming out of nowhere when to prevent disasters. The donkey disagrees and argues people shouldn’t even know the leader exists.

-A hippo, a panda and a cat discuss marriage. Marriage, says the hippo, is about men drinking while the wife takes care of the kids. Marriage, says the panda, is about men eating while the wife takes care of the kids. Marriage, says the cat, is about playing with yourself while the wife takes care of the kids.

-Let’s say we all forget 2016. History books should skip 2015 and 2016 and move straight from 2014 to 2017.

To a less eventful 2017! Cheers!

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