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Jewish New Year Jokes
by Jay Gutman
2016-10-06 10:29:39
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-How come Jill Stein doesn’t get to be the potential first woman ever to be president of the United States?

-If elected, Sarkozy will provide every French elector a gold necklace and an appearance in a reality TV show. By French he means anyone whose family has been speaking French for six generations.

-Former millionaires selling hot dogs on the rise.

-The Iphone is now the official sponsor of the Jewish New Year.

-UN Human Rights Council wishes everyone a happy Halloween.

jewish01_400-When I was 12 I spoke 6 languages but couldn’t tie my shoe laces. If someone had taught me how to tie my shoe laces I wouldn’t have bothered with 6 languages.

-If you ask me to play rock paper scissors with an app I’ll throw a rock, paper and scissors at you.

-New Year’s resolution: let’s celebrate Christmas once a week.

-When my child grows up, I want him to be a neck surgeon. But I won’t let him use a smart phone.

-Thank God it’s Friday is now called Thank God I Got Some Sleep Last Night.

-Coca Cola sales decline. Kids no longer know what Santa looks like.

-Yankees finally win baseball world series but no one really cares.

-New study finds out that college students play candy crush when the lecturer is fun, angry birds when the lecturer’s boring.

-Going to college for the books is like going to Thailand for the food. I mean you really have to like Thai food.

-Neurologist rule out thinking Ronald Reagan’s the president as a sign of dementia.

-Companies now call “sick days” “binging on technology days.”

-Climate change means Australians can no longer brag about the weather on Christmas.

-New college majors include “unemployment studies” “pro blogging” and “pro slacking” for which the government can guarantee the loans. College will soon include “pissing your parents off” as a major.

-Kid says “I want to be a playwright” but really means “I think my parents are dumb enough that they will fund my stone slacker lifestyle thinking I’ll make it to Broadway and their mortgage will be taken care of.”

-Why has no journalist yet to ask “what would George Washington or Thomas Jefferson have said about today’s politics and politicians?” Because they probably would have said “some things never change.”

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