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Feelings is all we have
by Katerina Charisi
2016-08-08 11:10:35
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It felt nice to have a friend close to me. Even a friend like Emily. She would show up out of nowhere, then disappear. I was jealous of her freedom and the way she claimed it. At times I caught myself disliking her. I didn’t want her to come in the manor. Somehow and for some reason, I didn’t want to share her. Emily was the only thing I had mine. In a house that nothing belonged to anyone and everything was for all, I needed to have something of my own.

mily01_400_01I never stopped feeling like an outsider with the Myers. A stranger; that was what it was. The family had a strange way of being friendly and warm and receptive, while at the same time there was an invisible, impenetrable bound that I would never cross and I knew it.

It was the way Frances explained things to me, like I wasn’t one of them and would never be. It was the way Cornelia stared at me. It was Jacob’s indifference to my existence. It was Marianne that constantly marked her place with her personal stuff all over the house, the things she did and no one ever complained, it was even Michael, who just continued the life he had before me, like nothing had changed. But everything had changed. I was there. I had nothing to complain for, though. When things got bad between the family’s members, it was just a normal thing to happen when many people live all together.  When we couldn’t have some privacy and time of our own, it was just the old house with the doors that never locked and the family’s schedule that couldn’t change. I felt like I had no life there. I was just living other’s lives. Soon, my daily walk to the swamp was all I did, except staying at home and waiting for Michael to come.

I saw Emily again a few days later. I found her there like she was waiting for me. She was sitting with her back on a cypress, staring at the still water. Silence was heavy like the moist wind between the trees. I wanted to tell her everything, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t face my defeat, my failure, my resignation. Emily didn’t have to know things, though. She could just see them, sense them. I couldn’t hide.

“Feelings, Jinny. That’s all we got. Feelings that we generously share, until we realize that we just waste them. What most people don’t understand, is that even feelings are countable. It is our stock. Someday, our stock dwindles. And then, we try to protect what’s left of it; for us. For ourselves. We can’t give it all. We need something for us too. Something to hold on and to keep going. This is when problems begin and relationships fail. This is where everything fails.

We start demanding the things we never asked for before. We spent our time waiting for things to change, things to come, things to happen, but nothing ever changes, comes, or happens, when you don’t ask for it and go for it and fight for it. Waiting, is the wrong thing to do in your life. You don’t wait. You do.” 

“What am I supposed to do?” I asked her.

“I can’t tell you what to do, love. But I can tell you that when you are ready to do something, you will know it. Just make sure you don’t ignore your instincts. When everything else fails, when your mind finds a logic explanation to the wrong, when your heart refuses to see, even when your own eyes see things in another way than they really are, your instinct will be the only thing left that will never lie. Just follow it.”

“My instinct tells me this is all wrong. It also tells me you hide something from me.”

Emily smiled and caressed my cheek. “I have nothing to hide. You just don’t see the whole image yet”. She turned her back to me and walked away. I waited and then I heard the familiar sound of her bike as she left.

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