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Pop! Goes the Pigskin!!
by Leah Sellers
2016-06-27 10:25:17
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“What in the world were you thinking, Boy ?”  The smoldering University President asked rhetorically.  “Did you really think that you could get by shooting that ball out of the air like that ?  Particularly at that moment ?”
“Well, sir, we were gonna’ lose that Game, and I don’t know what came over me.  But I pulled out my ‘ole 35 and fired.  I did it before I really knew what I had done,”  the Young University student explained.
“You see, ever since the Texas legislators gave all of us the thumbs-up regardin’ our bein’ able to open carry, I have my 35 with me all of time.  It’s just a part of me, sir.”
“In fact, I got me a pair of hand carved leather Horny Toad Holsters, and Long Horn Steer engraved Silver Bullets, and a pair of Colt 45’s for my birthday last month, but I left ‘em home, ‘cause I thought they were a might conspicuous for the Football Game.  I’m savin’ them for the Rodeo….”
“Ahem, Young Man, excuse me for interrupting your Gun Toting Reverie, but I would prefer to get back to the business at hand.  Why did you shoot that Hail Mary pass out of the air.  Your actions do not represent the High Standards and Values of this Educational Institution.  We believe in Good Sportsmanship, and your shooting the opposing team’s possible Game Winning Pass out of the air was not an act of Good Sportsmanship,”  the University President stressed.  “You do understand that don’t you.”
“Well, I guess I can see your point, but my shootin’ that ball out of the air was not just an act of Bad Sportsmanship, sir.  It was also a Political Act.”
“A what ?”  The University President sputtered incredulously.
“Well, sir, there was a gol’ durned Liberal Hippie sittin’ down in front of me and my friends rootin’ for the opposite team, and makin’ some really rude comments about my reality star idol, Donald Trump.  And I mean really rude, sir.”
This Liberal Hippie was talkin’ to some of his other Liberal Hippie friends, who were drinkin’ Shiner beer, just like me and my Buddies.  And they were talkin’ about what a shame it was that the British had voted to Brexit from the European Union.”
“They were talkin’ about how after World War II ‘ole Churchill suggested that the European countries unite, like the United States of America, and strive to be Friends, and help one another’s common interests out.  And that that was the Good Will premise of the European Union when it got formed later on about forty some odd years ago.”
“They were lamentin’ that now all of the other countries were probably gonna’ peel off from the EU as well now.  Leaving the future very loosy-goosy and maybe volatile for everyone.”
“Then they started laughin’ about Trump going over to Scotland and givin’ a speech the very day of Brexit bragging on the Brits for leavin’ the EU.  But that he didn’t even realize that Scotland had voted to stay in the EU, and are now threatenin’ to leave the United Kingdom in order to stay with the EU.”
“And they made fun of him doin’ a sales pitch about his new Golf Course and Light House Suites, and talkin’ about how the British pound losin’ its Value would be a great business opportunity for his business because he’s a typical Predatory Capitalist Narcissistic Business Man who only cares about himself and his self interests.  And who doesn’t really give one hoot or a holler about anybody outside of his Clan.”
“Then they went on complainin’ about how all of our corrupt and corruptible Greed driven Oil Wars and the poor and greedy leadership of the Middle Eastern leaders had led to the creation of the a’cursed ISIS creepazoids, and all of the continued tribal squabbles and wars of the Middle East.  Just like the continuous Tribal Squabbles and Wars of the past European countries.”
“And how all of the West were playin’ right into the hands of the ISIS creepazoids and Putins of the World by bein’ so divisive over Immigrants, and Refugees, and Racism, and Sexism, and Classism, and Greed Wars and Manipulations, and bein’ driven into the ground and the into Poor Houses by the Elitists of the World.”
“That everybody needed to just take a sissified deep breath, and think our way through all of these very old and complicated problems cooly and calmly Together, not apart.”
“These Liberal ’deep breathin’’ Hippies were just such Knitwit-Know-It-Alls.  They were really makin’ me mad, sir,”  the Young University Pigskin Shooter admitted.
“But, when they started makin’ fun of the gun totin’ Tea Party and our talk of Texas Secession from the United States, I saw red, sir.  I swear, I wanted to shoot all of those lame-brained Liberal HIppies right then and there.”
“But then the Hail Mary pass went into the air, and instead of shootin’ them, Pop ! Went the Pigskin.  I blew that sucker to smithereens and crushed our opponents dreams of a win against Our Team.  Vengence was mine !  Ha !  I showed them !”
“Then some ‘Ole Geezer sittin’ in front of me stood up and cold cocked me.  When I woke up, the Old Man was holdin’ a pistol in my face.”
“He asked me what in Hades was I thinkin’, and called me a gol danged Sidewinder.  Can you imagine that.  Those stinkin’ Liberal Hippies were sittin down right beside that Old Man and his Wife, and he calls me a Sidewinder ?”
“Well, I didn’t say anything to the Old Man because he was holdin’ that Gun in my face.  When all of a sudden I watched him pull the trigger, and he shot me right in my eyes with vinegar, and walked away laughin’.  It was nothin’ but a danged water pistol !”
“Have you ever been shot with vinegar in your eyes, sir ?  It burns like Hades, I’ll tell ya’.”
“No, I cannot say that I have.  But I commend the Old Geezer in all of this mess you have left me and the University to handle, Young Man.”
“Well, then the cops arrived and drug me up from the floor and delivered me to you.  Surely, you can put in a good word for me, sir, because I showed a lot of restraint and common sense not shootin’ those cock-a-mamey Liberal Hippies, and just shootin’ an ‘ole Pigskin out of the air,” the Young University Student insisted.
“Ha, nothing about you suggests self-restraint or Good Common Sense, Young Man.  Nothing !”  The University President growled.

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Emanuel Paparella2016-06-27 15:34:46
A more coherent argument by the not so bright student to the university president would have been to mention the reasons why so many working class gun-Bible toting patriotic Americans are sympathetic to Trump, namely that the brutal game of globalization in the last forty years or so has benefited mostly the rich, exploited the poor, and increased income inequality dramatically, especially in the US and the EU. Moreover, here guns are aplenty and for the asking…and, after all, we need them to defend ourselves against zombies and other undesirables… The Brexit event mentioned by the student hints at the bizarre situation but not very convincingly, at least to the university president.

Trump is undoubtedly taking advantage of that situation of anger and frustration. But of course had the student gone that rout, he would have logically have had to change his mind on the issue and consider becoming a Bernie Sanders’ supporter; he might even have had to consider becoming a hippy or a socialist; a painful unbearable thought for a gun and Bible-carrying, hippy-liberal-hating American “patriot.”

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