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Fear for change Fear for change
by Katerina Charisi
2016-01-24 13:05:57
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The car’s sounds makes me sleepy. My stomach twirls with mixed feelings of joy and happiness, love and fear for the unknown overwhelming me. Was it too soon to make this big step with him? Was it too risky? Was it wise to leave everything behind, for a new life with somebody I know so little? Somebody so ...different from me?

I dare look at him and every doubt disappears. He looks calm; confident. His eyes are focused on the road, his hands steady on the wheel. Like he felt that I look at him, he turns and smirks.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes... yes, of course I am”, and it’s truth... But also a lie. I want to tell him that I am scared, but I dare not. It’s hard to explain anyway. There is nothing to be scared off. It’s just... a big change, that’s all it is. Few months before I had a life of my own. It wasn’t much, but it was all mine.  And I had struggled hard for it.

lil01_400_01I had managed to stand on my own two feet, I had a place to stay and a job. Not an easy task for a young woman alone. It was hard to be alone every night and sleep with one eye open. It was lonely at times, tiring having to think about everything all on my own. Most girls at my age still live with their parents or they got married too early and started a family; I enjoyed freedom.

I missed having someone next to me, that’s true. Sometimes, living on my own was just... too much. I had nobody to share my fears, my thoughts. I had no time to rest or make plans for the weekends. I couldn’t miss a day at work or I would find myself without a job. All I dreamed of was someone to take care of me. Someone to take care of. In my deepest thoughts I wished for someone that would take all the weights of life from me and put them on his shoulders; let me take care of the rest. A big house. Children. A happy, loving family. But still... Now, it was all coming true. Still I was feeling ...fear.

“Don’t worry”, he said like reading my mind. “Everything will be fine. You are going to love the place. Everybody is gonna love you. I bet they all wait outside for us”.

I couldn’t ask. Did he tell them that ...That I come from a different place? That I grew up differently? That I don’t know anything about their everyday life, their habits? Did he tell them that I don’t even have a family?

Did he tell them ...I am different?

**

...Don’t worry.

Don’t worry.

I wake up mumbling these words. Emily sits on a chair beside the large window, her arms crossed front her chest; looking outside. Her brows frown, her thoughts unsolved. It’s an awkward moment and I feel disoriented. Was I dreaming again? Next to my bed, on the small table there are two pills. Emily points at them and nods. “You know you have to take your medicine”, she says. I know. I don’t want to. They make me feel nausea, they mess with my head. I can’t tell when my thoughts are false and when true. I can’t separate old memories that come back to life from imaginary thoughts. I don’t think they actually help. But I swallowed both of them.

“You have to talk to me”, I said to her. Emily turns and looks at me. “I need to remember, don’t I? But I can’t do that on my own, I need your help”.

lil02_400She doesn’t say anything just turns her eyes to the window again. I try not to get angry but I feel a flush on my face.

“You came to me for some reason, didn’t you? Why would you do that if it wasn’t to help me remember? Why can’t you just talk to me? Why all these tricky hints? The open skylight and the flying pictures? The weird dreams? What kind of game is this?” My hands were shaking. Emily comes and puts her hands on mine. Her touch is cool and soft; her skin pale. Her eyes sad. Finally she opens her mouth to talk.

“Yes, Jenny. I am here to help. But you have to remember by yourself, I can’t tell you the story of your life. It can’t be done any other way.”

Jenny?

I just don’t understand... There are so many questions I need to ask. So many things I can’t understand. Why now? Why her?

“How come and you are always the same? Why time never touches you? How do you show up every time I wake up from some dream?” I pull my hands from hers. I swallow hard and don’t let tears escape, although I feel them right on the corners of my eyes.

“How come and you just show up out of nowhere?” I finally ask.

She touches my lips with her fingers.

Shhhh... 

Her voice becomes distant again. Her image blurs. She disappears right in front of my eyes and leaves me again with my scattered memories like a bunch of puzzle pieces that I have to put in place.

I wish I could fall asleep to see what happens next, but I know it won’t happen that way. I just have to wait for the next, right time.

 


    
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