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Josh - At first it was Winter Josh - At first it was Winter
by Katerina Charisi
2015-12-27 11:35:53
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One cold and rainy night on my way walking home I met her for the first time. Love in the first sight? That’s what I thought. Her presence hit me like a hot wave, taking my breath away. After all, that’s what love is, right? A fast beating heart, heavy breathing, butterflies in the stomach and all those little things that girls like to write about in their diaries, signing with initials, hearts and cupids. But what Emily and me had… well… it wasn’t love.

It was long silent days and even longer silent nights. It was feeling cold because of her absence curled up in my bed. It was a frenzy, spinning world and a dizzy, groggy head when she was around. Living with her was balancing on a rope between heaven and hell. Living without her was a huge gap of emptiness inside me, waiting for me to make the wrong step and swallow me forever in nothingness. A huge empty space that burned inside, making me want to scream in despair. Why did you come to me Emily, at the first place? Where do you go when you leave me? Who are you anyway…? What can you possibly want from someone like me?

*******************

Ok, first things first. I’m Josh. I’m in that age that I’m too young to worry about future, but too old to mess around doing nothing. I live with a father who is drunk most of the times and I know that somewhere I have a mother and an older brother I never met. I do every job that comes available, while I don’t think I know yet what kind of job I’d like to keep forever. Forever seems to be so far away.

I think I just try to find my place in this world.

When I walk, I walk too fast. I can’t help it. I’m always in a rush for no particular reason. I sleep a little, I eat on foot, I listen to music loud, I play basketball… I read a lot, but never at home. I just can’t stay still. I guess I am a “lot” of a person.  Am I compulsive? Who knows…? Who cares! I like me.

*******************

jos01_400I’m sitting on a really uncomfortable chair in the library. I have to twist all the time because my butt gets numb. I came here to spend some time in silence, not really to read something. Still, I turn the pages of the book in front of me fast and noisy and every now and then some other reader tells me to be quiet.

People supposed to come here and sit for hours to read or study, right? Why are those chairs so uncomfortable?

“Numb butt?” says a soft voice behind me and a chair pulls over. I almost jumped. A pale thin hand stands in front of me. I look at it confused and then I put mine in it. It fits perfectly. I never thought I could be so surprised by the way a hand fits to another in a simple handshake.

“I’m Emily”, says the hand. Oh, I mean the voice behind the hand. Damn! I meant …the woman who now sits next to me.

(And she has the softest touch and sweetest deep voice in the world.)

“Yes, totally”, I reply. What the hell is wrong with me? I act like a teenager!

Her puppy eyes smile. Her eyebrow slightly lifts. I like her old leather top jacket that’s torn on the elbows. She has a strange confidence and a weird way of carrying herself that looks irresistible. I just want to know more about her.

“I mean I am Josh.”

And if am I going to keep talking like that, I will never have the chance. God, I feel stupid.

“And yes, I think my butt got numb for maybe more than twenty times so far”. She laughs.

jos02_400She looks deep in my eyes and for a moment I feel totally exposed like naked and guilty for something I have done. Like, you know, “HA! Busted!” But I have no clue why I feel that way. Then she shows me the book. Hell. I know that she knows already I haven’t really read a single page. I don’t even remember what book it is. As the matter of fact, I don’t even think I checked the title when I grabbed it. Please, don’t ask me what I read, please, please, don’t…

“You read …Williams?” she asks and then stares at me from top to the bottom. Her glance is ironic and her voice has a sarcastic tone. Still, her puppy eyes are so wet and mellow that I want to sink in them. Ok, busted that is. I don’t read “Williams”. From all the books in here, him I had to pick. I am sorry mr Tennessee, but I would never read you anyway, I mean… Williams?

I had to pick one of those books only women love to read. Gross. I feel totally stupid, that is. I am not romantic, that’s true.

“Ok, you got me. I don’t read anything. I mean I don’t read Williams, obviously. I’m just here to be alone. I grabbed a random book from the shelf and here I am, flipping the pages with anger, making others mad”.

“Tapping your foot nervously. Murmuring. Twisting on your seat.  What made you so angry? You shouldn’t even be here, you are too noisy for that”.

Angry? I am not angry… I guess. But now that she said it that way, maybe I was.

I look at the other side of the hall and outside the window. It rains. I want to take her out and kiss her in the rain. I want to shake my head to drive away these thoughts. There is something about her that sets an alarm in me. I feel her like danger. I exhaled deeply and her long and soft hand touched my shoulder. I am not angry. But I know I have to stay away from her. The way she makes me feel, the way she makes me think, I don’t like it at all. I feel vulnerable. I just feel like I want to put my head on her chest and close my eyes, aligning my breath with her heartbeat, smelling he scent, touching with my lips the dimple of her neck.

What the hell is wrong with me? Who are you Emily?

 

 


   
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