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Kairos Kairos
by Gordana Mudri
2015-07-26 12:36:25
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I do not have the best childhood memories. Blank page streaked with stains. Short flashes here and there. No striking pictures, no smells stored in my grey brain-cells.

But I do remember when I started chasing you, back in the elementary school.

gan01_400I felt unattractive and insecure; exposed to ridicule. They called it a joke; a normal phase of growing up. Nobody really wanted to know the consequences. You had to be strong, to endure and grow. I was not strong. I was terrified.

I thought if I can catch you I will not be unsightly anymore. No one will ever look at me anymore with a sneer.

I was talented and imaginative child. The teachers were always pushing me in school performances. I stood on stage with sweaty palms; with a bitter ball in my throat, which turned my voice into trembling inarticulate sounds. Alone. In front of a packed auditorium and horrified. It was not just performance anxiety. It was the horror I had to face, would you come? Maybe I will finally catch you. I will shine in front all the others. I will be courageous.

Every time I saw you run, faster than the wind, elusive, with a divine victorious smile on your face and so determined; I'd caught you with a glimpse. You knew I was not fast enough.

It's been months, years, before I could find your tracks again. I wandered looking for you through muddy streets; between faceless, grey buildings. I was putting traps waiting. The tide that came out of the depths of my body - wild beatings of the heart and euphoric turmoil in the head - were signs that you're close. You were at my fingertips. I raced in the frenzied chase and …no matter how much I tried, you always slipped away. Faster than the wind. Elusive. With divine victorious smile on your face. Determined. My hands were catching nobody.

I thought: there's time, a whole life is in front of me.

The mud beneath my feet was becoming denser. The grey buildings were becoming a cage. I grew up, and the cage was getting narrow, penetrating indelible scars in my body. Compressed, I almost could not breathe. I was terrified. I could not wait for you to show up again.

I ran away in panic and fear. I ran in the wrong direction; leaving muddy traces behind, allowing greyness to find me again. I was weak and scared, faced with the unknown. What was supposed to be a life-saving escape, turned into an exhausting wandering and a maze without exit! The only strand I had was the mud of my footprints. They returned me back to the cage, narrow and more sinister than ever before.

Then one evening, I felt the tide in my body, and I knew that you are back. I ran with all my strength, tearing down all barriers. Faster than the wind, I finally caught you. A lock of your hair shimmered between my fingers. You stood with the divine smile on your face, trapped in my embrace.

Time was moving fast. I went through the hell of war and the pain of motherhood. I was frightened of our destinies and the deed to satisfy everyone. I was exhausting myself to the limits …keeping a lock of your hair as a relic.

You didn't change.

Suddenly I realized. I've never caught you! I never got out of the mud! The relic was a delusion. By pleasing an illusion I lost myself. All my dreams remained in the dark cage of my childhood.

I was terrified. I started a new chase to catch you.

My legs were tired of the years. My lungs whistled, weakened by vices. My body was shattered from giving. I watched you; tirelessly leaving, the same as before.

Faster than the wind. Elusive. With divine victorious smile on your face. Determined.

Now you're sitting here; on my deathbed, smiling and calm. You provoked me one final time to catch you. Years after frantic chase you are offering me victory at the end, and I cannot move.

I feel mud on my cold feet. Icy tide rises along my back, through my neck and penetrates into my brain. Coldness stops my thoughts. My eyes shut down on you. You sit calm. Elusive. With divine victorious smile on your face. Determined.

My book is in your hands. Blank pages streaked with stains.

 *****************************************************************

Nemam velikih sjećanja na djetinjstvo. Prazna stranica prošarana mrljama. Kratki bljeskovi. Nema upečatljivih slika ili mirisa pohranjenih u sivim moždanim stanicama

Ali sjećam se da sam te počela naganjati još u osnovnoj školi.

Bila sam neugledna i nesigurna, izložena izrugivanju. Onda su to zvali zafrkancijom i normalnom fazom odrastanja. Nitko nije pitao za posljedice. Morao si biti jak, izdržati i odrasti. Ja nisam bila jaka. Bila sam prestravljena.

Mislila sam, ako te uhvatim, više neću biti neugledna. Nitko me više neće gledati s podsmijehom.

gan02_400Bila sam nadareno i maštovito dijete. Nastavnici su me uvijek gurali u školske priredbe. Stajala sam na pozornici, znojnih dlanova, s olovnom kuglom u grlu koja je moj glas pretvarala u drhtave neartikulirane zvukove, sama pred prepunim gledalištem i prestravljena. Nije to bila samo trema pred nastup. Bio je to užas s kojim sam se morala suočavati. Mislila sam, doći ćeš. Možda ću te konačno uloviti. Zasjati pred drugima. Postati odvažnija.

Svaki put si projurio, brži od vjetra, nedostižan, s pobjedonosnim božanskim osmijehom na licu. Nepokolebljiv. Uhvatila bih te krajičkom oka. Znao si da nisam dovoljno brza.

Znali su proći mjeseci, čak i godine, prije nego bih ponovo pronašla tvoje tragove. Lutala sam tražeći te kroz blatne ulice, između bezličnih, sivih građevina. Postavljala sam zamke i čekala.  Plima koja je nadirale iz dubine utrobe, divlji udarci srca i euforični metež u glavi, bili su znak da si blizu. Bio si na dohvat ruke. Jurila sam u bjesomučnoj potjeri i, ma koliko se trudila, uvijek si izmaknuo. Brži od vjetra. Nedostižan. S pobjedonosnim božanskim osmijehom na licu. Nepokolebljiv. Moje su ruke zahvaćale prazninu.

Mislila sam, ima vremena, cijeli je život preda mnom.

Blato pod mojim nogama postajalo je sve gušće. Sive su građevine postale kavez. Rasla sam, a kavez je postajao sve uži. Utiskivao je neizbrisive ožiljke u moje tijelo. Stiješnjena, gotovo nisam disala. Bila sam prestravljena. Nisam mogla čekati da se ponovo pojaviš.

Pobjegla sam u paničnom strahu. Pobjegla sam u pogrešnom smjeru, ostavljajući blatne tragove za sobom, dozvolivši sivilu da me ponovo nađe. Bila sam slaba i prestrašena, suočena s nepoznatim. Ono što je trebao biti spasonosni bijeg, pretvorilo se u iscrpljujuće tumaranje i bezizlazni labirint. Jedina nit koju sam imala bilo je blato mojih tragova. Vratila me natrag u kavez, uži i zlokobniji nego prije.

A onda, jedne večeri, osjetila sam onu plimu u utrobi i znala sam da si ponovo tu. Potrčala sam iz sve snage rušeći sve prepreke. Brža od vjetra, konačno sam te dohvatila. Pramen tvoje kose treperio je između mojih prstiju. Stajao si s božanskim osmijehom na licu, zarobljen mojim zagrljajem

Vrijeme je jurilo. Prošla sam pakao rata i bol majčinstva, strepila nad našim sudbinama i ugađala svima iscrpljujući se do krajnjih granica, čuvajući pramen tvoje kose kao relikviju.

Ti se nisi promijenio.

Odjednom sam shvatila. Nikada te nisam dohvatila! Nikada nisam izašla iz blata! Relikvija je bila obmana. Ugađajući iluziji izgubila sam sebe. Svi snovi ostali su u mračnom kavezu djetinjstva.

Bila sam prestravljena. Počela sam novu potjeru za tobom.

Moje su noge bile umorne od godina. Moja su pluća zviždala oslabljena porocima. Moje je tijelo bilo iscrpljeno od davanja. Gledala sam kako neumorno odmičeš, isti kao nekada.

Brži od vjetra. Nedostižan. S pobjedonosnim božanskim osmijehom na licu. Nepokolebljiv.

Sad sjediš tu, na mojoj samrtnoj postelji, nasmiješen i miran. Izazivaš me da te konačno uhvatim. Nakon godina bjesomučne potjere nudiš mi pobjedu na kraju, a ja se ne mogu pomaknuti.

Osjećam blato na hladnim nogama. Ledena plima penje mi se uz leđa i vrat i prodire u moj mozak. Hladnoća mi zaustavlja misli. Moj se pogled gasi na tebi. Sjediš miran. Nedostižan. S pobjedonosnim božanskim osmijehom na licu. Nepokolebljiv.

U tvojim rukama moja knjiga. Prazne stranice prošarane mrljama.

 


    
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Renato2015-07-27 13:17:18
Hopes and dreams


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