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I'm Not Gonna' Drink This Stuff !
by Leah Sellers
2014-05-09 08:31:53
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“Good morning, Mr, D.J.  How are you this morning, Sir ?”
“Fine, I see that you fed the Squirrels and the Song Birds before you came in.”
“Yes sir,”  Cheyenne smiled widely.  “They look for me every morning.  The baby Squirrels, Frisky and his Sister, Sally, were chittering away at me, while I was setting their corn cobs up into the tree.  And the Hummers are already zipping around after the sugar water in the feeders this morning.”
“I saw the Cardinals and Blue Jays fly into the bowl with the sunflower seeds,”  Mr. DJ added.  “They sure are a sight to see.”
“Yes sir, they’re like brilliant floating flowers when they land on those feeders.  They’re beautiful to behold.”     
“Cheyenne, I’d like to take a minute to discuss something with you before you get breakfast started.”
“Yes sir.  Would you like a cup of coffee before we talk, Mr. DJ.”
“No, no the coffee can wait.  I need to talk to you about those Protein Drinks you suggested I drink three times a day in between meals in order to put on a few pounds.”
“Yes sir ?”
Mr. DJ walked over to the refrigerator, opened it up, and extracted a bottle milk chocolate Protein Drink. “Well, last night, I really took a close look at the bottle and found their little trademark here on the front.  By the way, thanks for sewing my briches up for me so that they don‘t fall off of me when I walk.”
“My pleasure, Mr. DJ.  That’s one of the reasons I’ve been working to try and a few pounds back on you since you got out of the Rehab Center.  What Trademark are you speaking about, sir ?”
“This one, right here on the front of this bottle.  What does it say ?”
“It says, ‘Lose Weight - Feel Great’, Mr. DJ.”
“Now, forgive me, but my understanding when we spoke yesterday is that I needed to Gain weight, not lose it.”
“Yes, sir.  But Mr. DJ these Protein Drinks can do both sir.”
Mr. DJ shook his head slowly from side -to-side,  “Now, call me a fool, but I don’t see how that is possible.  There is no such Miracle Drink, that can make a person either lose or gain weight.  It’s either one way or the other.  It cannot be both.”
“Yes sir.  I can understand why you might view it that way.  Especially since the words on the front of the bottle only mention Weight Loss, but these Protein Drinks can do both.  For instance, if you want to lose weight, as most women like myself do, you can skip a meal and drink one of these Protein Drinks instead.  But some folks want to gain weight, and so they eat three meals a day, and just add these Protein Drinks to their diet in between meals in order to put on a few more pounds over time.”
“Excuse me, but that makes no sense.  No Protein Drink or any other kind of food meant to make you lose weight, like this bottle says that it does, can make you gain it.  No such thing exists, Cheyenne.  You just think about what you‘re saying.”
“Yes sir.  In actuality, it can, Mr DJ.  Let me show you on paper, sir.  I know how much you trust Math and Science, Mr. DJ.  And the irrefutable Certainty and Facts of Math, sir”
“I’m staring at the paper on the outside of this bottle, Cheyenne.  And it says that this Protein Drink will make me lose weight.  I don’t want to lose anymore weight.  I’ll dry up and fly away.  I’m not drinking this stuff.”
Cheyenne smiled uncertainly as she quickly gathered pen and notepad from the side of the phone on top of the kitchen counter top.  “Sir, before you make up your mind completely, may I show you something ?”
“You can write anything you want to on that piece of paper, but I’m not changing my mind.”
“Yes sir.  Thank you for your willingness to let me show you something on this notepad, Mr. DJ.  Sir, let’s say that your two eggs, bacon, lightly buttered English muffins and orange juice equals 600 calories.  And then you decided to drink a Protein Drink in-between breakfast and lunch that equals 140 calories.  Your total morning Intake would be 740 calories.  Do you see that, Sir ?”
“Yes, I do.  And that eggs, bacon and muffins sounds like a good idea right about now.”
“Yes sir.  Just one more thing, Mr. DJ.  What if you decided not to eat your breakfast, but instead just drank your Protein Drink…”
“I’d never do that.”
“Yes sir.  I know, but this is just a hypothetical, Mr. DJ.”
“I can’t eat a hypothetical, Cheyenne, but I can sure gulp down some eggs, bacon and muffins.  And what about that coffee you mentioned earlier.”
“Yes sir.  I’m getting ready to whip that up in just a second, Mr. DJ.  But can you humor me just a little bit longer, sir, and take a look at the numbers
here ?  You see Mr. DJ, it’s all about calorie intake, sir.  If you skip breakfast for a Protein Shake you’d only be getting 140 calories for the morning, but if you ate breakfast and drank a Protein Shake you’d be getting 740 calories for the morning.  Do you see, Mr. DJ ?  The higher your calorie intake, the greater the likelihood that you’d gain weight over time.”
“I would never skip breakfast for one of those Protein Drinks.”
“Yes sir, I realize that, sir.  That’s not what I’m wanting you to do, Mr. DJ…”
“Then why are we still talking about this, Cheyenne ?  I have already told you that I need to Gain weight, not lose it.  You can give those Protein Drinks away to someone who will use them.  I don’t want them.  I’m taking the Company’s Trademark of: “Lose Weight - Feel Great” at their word, and that’s all there is to it.  I‘m not gonna‘ drink this stuff.  Get rid of it.  Give it to one of the other people you help that likes it, and needs to lose weight.”
“Now, how about rustlin’ up some coffee and breakfast for me.”
“Yes sir.  Right away, Mr. DJ,”  Cheyenne sighed as she filled the coffee pot with water, and placed the frying pan on the stovetop.
“Just look at that Squirrel outside the kitchen window fussing at that big Blue Jay over those sunflower seeds.  Ha !  If you ask me, that ’ole Jay shouldn’t take that Squirrel’s messaging too seriously.”
“Yes sir, Mr. DJ.  Heaven forbid that the Jay take the Squirrel’s Trademark Territorial Chittering too Literally.  It might lead the Jay to give up and give away a good thing.  I mean, a good meal, sir.”
“Ha !  No living creature takes anything that Literally, Cheyenne.”
“Yes sir, if you say so, sir.  Oh look, Mr. DJ !  The Ruby-throated Hummer is back !  Just look at him zip around out there !”

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