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Grenades that Love Scratchin' Cats
by Leah Sellers
2014-02-26 11:46:14
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“Hey Billy Bob !  How’re you and your Brood doin’ ?”
“Fine, Jeb, fine.  Everybody’s fine.  Me included.  How about you and your Family ?”
“Well, the kids are fine, but Betty Sue is out-of-sorts with me right now.?”
ted01_400“How can that be, Billy Bob ?  Betty Sue is one of the Sweetest Souls I’ve ever met.  Her Halo almost outshines my Peggy Joy’s.  What did you do to rile her up, Billy Bob ?”
“Nothin’, as far as I’m concerned, but Betty Sue did not take kindly to my stickin’ up for Ted Nugent and Greg Abbott.”
“Now, I remember Ted Nugent from the good ‘ole days of Rock-n-Roll.  Wasn’t he that Rocker that played ‘Cat Scratch Fever’ ?”
“Yep, that’s him.”
“Heh-heh, Yeah, I remember that Song, and the girl from high school that I was datin’ at the time, Reba Mae.  Ooo-wee !  She was a Looker who had her ever-lovin’ Cat Claws in me.  Heh-heh, I had an itch that only Reba Mae could scratch in those days.  And when that gal ran out on me, she left me with a ‘Cat Scratch Fever’ of ‘a-hundred-and-three, hee-hee.”
“Now, Billy Bob, if you repeat one word of what I just told you to Betty Sue, and she runs tattlin’ to my sweet wife, Peggy Joy, I’ll lie and call you a bald-faced Liar.  Comprende, mi Amigo ?”
“Ha, ha !  Sure do Pard’ner.  I’ve gotta’ Reba Mae in my past, too.  She taught me things that make me blush all the way down to my toes to this very day, hee-hee.”
“But why did Betty Sue blow a gasket over Ted Nugent ?”
“Well, we we’re talkin’ about Votin’ for that Republican Lieutenant Governor who’s runnin’ for Governor this time around, Greg Abbott.  But Betty Sue is havin’ second thoughts about Votin’ for Abbott because of his allowin’ Ted Nugent to Perform and Speak so dis-respectfully about President Obama at the Republican/Tea Party Fundraisin’ Event we were invited to attend a few weeks back.”
“Betty Sue says that Nugent stepped way over the line when he called President Obama a ‘SubHuman Mongrel’ and a ‘Gangster’.”
“Betty Sue says that she doesn’t agree with some of the President’s Liberal Ideas, but that she thinks that he and his wife are Good People.  She says that she saw Nugent on the news one day, and that Ted told the audience that ’if Barak Obama’ became the ‘President in November’, which he did, that he would ’either be dead or in jail by this time next year.’”
“Of course, Nugent’s still alive and kickin’, and Obama was re-elected as this Great Nation’s President, but what Nugent said on t.v. that day really offended my Betty Sue, and stuck to her like glue.”
“Then she went off on the fact that that one of her Church-Lady Friend’s informed her that Nugent dated a seventeen year old girl when he was thirty years old.  And that because the girl was too young for him to legally marry in Texas, that he had himself made her Legal Guardian, so he could do whatever he consensually wanted to do with her.”
“Betty Sue kept shakin’ her finger at me, and sayin’ that Ted Nugent was a dis-gustin’ Human Bein’.  Simply dis-gustin’.”
“Ha !  Now that sounds like something’ Betty Sue would say, Billy Bob.  And, you know, she’s kinda’ right.  You gotta admit that ’ole Ted can get pretty raunchy.”
“Ha !  Remember that concert all of us football guys went to see where Ted ran around on stage like a chicken with its head cut off, in his underwear, of all things, bangin’ on his ’ole electric guitar and beltin’ out that song, ‘Wang Dang Sweet Poontang’, ha ?”
“Yep, sure do.  As I remember it, we were singin’ and screamin’ right along with him.  That Boy can surely put on a show, Billy Bob.”
“Yeah, yeah, and he hated the Rock-‘n-Roll group the Grateful Dead.  He said that all the DeadHeads should be caned and thrown into Prison to be Raped by big, black Inmates, ha !  He surely knows how to throw down ‘a insult.”
“Yeah, I remember readin’ somewhere that he compared Muslim’s to some Dalmation Dogs someone wanted to get rid of.  Nugent came right out and said that they should ‘bring in a silenced .22 magnum scoped rifle and take out the dangerous animal’ (the Dalmation-Muslim) ‘with a head shot at the very first opportunity.’  And he meant it.  Of course, he always seems to be mad about one thing or another, and I guess he was mad about 9/11 and Muslim Terrorism.”
“Ask me, ‘ole Nugent is a bit of a Terrorist himself, Jeb.”
“You gotta point there, Billy Bob.  A Second Amendment, fully loaded and ready to spit fire, Terrorist.”
“I remember when he crossed paths with some Hare Krishna Dude, and got mad and shouted, ’why can’t I just shoot this guy in the spine right now, shoot him in the spine, and explain the Facts of Life to him’.”
“And what Facts of Life were those, Jeb ?”
“Heck, if I know, Billy Bob.”
“What about when Nugent said somethin’ about the Obama White House bein’ the Mao Zedong Fan Club, ha !  I’ll bet that raised some hackles.”
“Bet that made some Tea Partiers bust a gut laughin’, ha !”
“Hey, careful there, Jeb.  My Uncle John is a Tea Partyin’ Conservative.  Don’t go insultin’ my relatives.”
“Sorry, Billy Bob.  Truly, no offense was intended.  Anyways, I lost my argument about Ted Nugent and Greg Abbott with Betty Sue when she pulled out one of my old albums and threw it at me from across the room like a Frisbee.”
“Betty Sue ?  Sweet, Little Betty Sue threw a Record at you, Billy Bob ?”
“Sure did, and then to add even more insult to injury, she ordered me to take it out back and burn it.”
“To burn it ?  What Ted Nugent album did she find, Billy Bob ?”
“The album with the pretty little Naked Lady trussed up in the middle of a Veggie Salad with a Grenade stuffed in her mouth, instead of an Apple.  You know, the ‘ole ‘Grenade Love’ album.  It’s a Rock-’n-Roll Classic.”
“You kept that nasty Album Cover in your house for your Wife and Kids to get their hands on ?  You idiot !  You deserved to have that thing thrown at you !  What were you thinkin’, Man ?”
“That’s the problem, Billy Bob.  I wasn’t, and I should’a been.  Thinkin’, that is.”
“I don’t blame Betty Sue for bein’ on the War Path.  My Peggy Joy would have thrown more than the album at me if she had found that ‘Grenade Love’ inside of our house for our Kids to get their sweaty little paws on.”
“Like I said, Betty Sue is really out-of-sorts with me right now.  And I don’t need you rubbin’ it in, Jeb.”
“She’ll get over her mad, Billy Bob.  One Sunday on the Church Pew and your Sweet Betty Sue will be as good as new.”
“Maybe.  Anyways, she was totally dis-gusted with Ted Nugent as a totally dis-gustin’ Human Being, as she put it.  And she was also dis-gusted with Greg Abbott for havin’ that Nugent Bozo on stage with him insultin’ the President of the United States of America.”
“She said that it made her doubt Greg Abbott’s Judgement, and made her wonder if Abbott was a dis-gustin’ Bigoted, Sexist, Volatile, Violence- oriented, Grenade Lovin’ Pig like Ted Nugent.” 
“She said that some part of  Gregg Abbott must be in agreement with Nugent or else he wouldn’t have had Ted Nugent Represent him at the Republican/ Tea Party Fundraisin’ Event, in spite of the Second Amendment’s givin’ Ted Nugent and the Folks like him, the Right to Stand their Ground and blow other Folks heads off any time they stump and break a toenail, and feel like killin’ somebody.  I have never heard Betty Sue use words like that since we’ve been married.  And we’ve been married goin’ on almost twenty years, now.”
“Ooo-wee, Betty Sue sure sounds hot under the hood, Billy Bob.”
“You better believe it, Jeb.  She’s got me sleepin’ on the couch right now, and has banned the use of the words Ted Nugent and Greg Abbott from our House.”
“Well, Billy Bob, not everyone knows how to be a Proper Celebrity.  Now, take ‘ole Willie Nelson.  He supports Small Farmers, their Families and their Legacies.  He Sings and Speaks at Events supportin’ the Farmers and their Crops.  Farmers and Crops that Feed America and the World.  Nelson uses his Celebrity Properly.  Although he’d probably laugh-in-the-face of anyone usin’ the word Proper to describe him at all, ha !”
“Say, maybe ‘ole Willie could give ‘ole Ted a call and offer him some Friendly Celebrity Advice ?”
“Don’t bet on it, Jeb.  He might get Shot for all of his Good Intentions.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right, Billy Bob.  By the way, what did you do with that ‘ole ‘Grenade Love’ album ?  Did you burn it like Betty Sue told you
to ?”
“Nope, I hid it in my Work Shop.  You wanna’ have a quick look-’n-see, and travel down Memory Lane with your high school Cat Queen, Reba Mae ?  Now, I’ll bet that’s a Tale worth Tellin’, and worth Listenin‘ to.”
“Jeb grinned widely at his Old Friend,  “Thought you’d never ask, Billy Bob.  Lead the way, Amigo.  Lead the way.”

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