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The Shrill Duck Call That Rattled us All
by Leah Sellers
2014-01-01 13:15:52
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“Alright, Saul, hand over your Queens,”  Uncle Bill said matter-of-factly.
Saul calmly perused his Gin-Rummy hand, “Y’all heard about all of the fol-der-rol with the Duck Family takin’ a stand against the Homosexuals ?”
Saul’s wife, Cathy, widened her eyes, and said, “What about it, hon ?”
Cousin Bradley smiled and said, “Ain’t it disgustin’ ?  His getting suspended just ’cause he spoke out against their Sinnin’ ?
Uncle Bill cleared his throat, shifted in his chair, clucked his tongue, repositioned his ever present baseball cap on his unruly iron-gray hair, and widened his face with one of his famous sidelong grins. “Now, I’m as big an Evangelical Bigot as all the rest of y’all, but it seems to me that the real Sin is Promiscuity.”
Saul, who had always been a little envious of his retired father-in-law’s stint down at Cape Canaveral, Florida constructing Space Rockets for a number of years, shifted in his chair offering his own toothy grin.  “Bill, you’re always throwin’ a wrench into the mix.  What in the World does the Sin of Homosexuality have to do with Promiscuity ?  Men are always gonna’ have a Rovin’ Eye.”
Cathy, shifted in her chair, “Why do you think we WomenFolk make sure that you Men are sittin’ on the Church pews every Sunday ?”
“Ha !”  Cousin Bradley shifted in his chair.  “You don’t have to keep me sittin’ in a Church pew to know that Homosexuality is a Sin.”
“And what about a Rovin’ Eye ?  You don’t think that’s a Sin ?”  Cathy shot back.
“Now, don’t get your dander up, Sis.  I’m faithful to my Wife, Candy, and y’all know that.”  Bradley said defensively.
“And that’s because of all of that Religious Pew Wood in your rear-end, Bradley, from years of sittin’ and listenin’ to the Word of God from an Evangelical Preacher.  It’s a Christian Woman’s first line of defense from a Man’s Rovin’ Eye.”  Cathy persisted.
“Men are not the only one’s with a Rovin’ Eye, Cat.  What about the Ball woman ?  She’s a Church Lady who left her husband and took the children to be with another woman,”  Saul countered.
“I don’t agree with her runnin’ off with another woman, but I don’t blame her for leavin’ that scumbag.  He beat the livin’ daylights outta’ her every time he had a little too much to drink.  He was a terrible husband and a terrible father,”  Cathy retorted.
“And what’s the Ball woman ?  She’s an Sinnin’ Adulterer and a Homosexual.  How’s that make her any better than him ?”  Bradley shifted in his chair again.
“It doesn’t.  but at least she and her children are safe and outta’ of a terrible and violent environment for all of them.  Anna Beth told me that the other lady is a good person, and that the children are gettin’ along fine in their new school.”  Cat said more gently.
“We’ll just see how long that lasts when folks around there find out what’s goin’ on in that home.  They’ll drum ’em outta’ town.  You mark my words.  And he‘s fightin‘ in the Courts for custody of his kids, and I‘ll bet he wins.”  Saul said with rancor.
“Why, would you, as a fine, upstandin’ Christian Man wish that on them, Saul ?  I declare, sometimes I don’t understand you at all.”  Cathy sighed.
“I still say that the Real Sin is Promiscuity,”  Uncle Bill repeated.
“It isn’t, Bill, it’s Homosexuality !”  Saul rocked forward and almost yelled.
“Now, as all of you know I am a Man of the Land and a Man of Technology,”  Uncle Bill began.
“Yes, daddy, we all know that since you retired that you’re always down at your big barn makin’ one thing or another for Everybody.  You’re always inventin’ things and puttin’ things together,’  Cathy laughed.
“And all of y’all have been raised on the Land.  Sure, you all may drive to the City every day to Work, but you’ve been raised in the Country.  You’ve been raised to be Creatures of the Land and the City,”  Uncle Bill said with certainty.
“I ain’t no Hillbilly !”  Saul said grumpily.
“Who said anything about Hillbillies, Boy ?  They’re a dyin’ breed.  You youngsters are another breed altogether,”  Uncle Bill said firmly.
“Anyways,”  Uncle Bill continued.  “There’s not a one of you sittin’ here that has not been walkin’ down in the field from time to time and happened to look over to see a cow mountin’ another cow or a male farm dog mountin’ another male farm dog.  But I don’t see the Church Police or the City Police runnin’ out into the fields to arrest ‘em or shoot ‘em.”
“It’s just another one of Nature’s ways for Animals - and you all do know that Human Beings are warm-blooded Mammals don’t you ?  They did teach y’all that scientific fact in school, now didn’t they ?”  Uncle Bill asked with a mischievous glint in his ocean blue eyes.
Uncle Bill did not wait for a reply, “Well, that behavior that we Human Beings accept in the Animal Kingdom, that we are all a part of, is just one of the many ways that Animals have of experimentin’ with or expressin’ themselves physically.”
“It’s also a way to avoid impregnation and eventual overpopulation of any and all Animal populations, while they, in Nature, and as a part of their Natures, experiment with and express themselves physically.”
“Seems to me what really Needs to be condemned is Promiscuity.  “Cause Promiscuity can lead to Dis-eases of all kinds of the Body, the Mind, the Heart and the Soul,”  Uncle Bill said seriously.
“For example, since none of y’all believes in the overall societal smartness of contraception, then when a Man, the Head of the House and Home Cheats on his Wife in order to selfishly express his so-called Natural Physical Urges with another contraception-filled Female or even with another Male, so that he does not have to worry about any blackmailin’ female callin’ him up later with claims of “I’m havin’ your Baby, ’cause I forgot to take my pills,” or any other excuses to get their hooks into him….”
“That’s the craziest thing I have ever heard, Bill.  What in tarnation are you leadin’ up to with all of this crazy talk ?  You have been watchin’ too much Reality TV,”  Saul irritably interrupted.
“By Reality TV, do you mean Duck Dynasty ?  Yeah, Marie and I have watched it from time-to-time.  They sound and feel like our neighbors or a member of our own families,”  Uncle Bill agreed.
“I just love Uncle Silas, daddy.  He reminds me of you.  He is such a
Cut Up.  Remember when you ran around the house with one of Mamma‘s fancy scarves wrapped around neck, and battin‘ your eyes like a fool. ”  Cathy laughed good naturedly.
“Why thank you for that compliment, honey.  Fool that I am,”  Uncle Bill chuckled.
Turning his attention back to Saul, Uncle Bill answered, “Yes, Reality is our best Teacher, Saul.  Anyways, as I was surmisin’, when a Man sets up a crazy scenario like that, and you know they do.  We’ve all heard Stories about ‘em.  The characters and events are interchangeable.  The World is filled with Men and Other Players just like the one I’m surmisin’ about.  Well, as I was sayin’, when a Man sets up a terrible Chain of Events and Eventual Consequences like this for EveryOne involved.  And they are all involved in it at one level or another, and in one way or another.  There’s no avoidin’ that fact.”
“Cause when that Man Cheated on his Wife - he Cheated on his Children - he Cheated and Negatively Impacted the Present Well Bein’ and Future Well Bein’ of each and every single one of ‘em.  Himself included, whether he realizes that fact or not.”
“When he Cheated on his Wife and Children, and spent a part of his Wealth and Precious Time with another female or male party in order to stroke his Ego or sexual organ for whatever reasons, imaginings or excuses, that so-called Man Used and Abused, Knowingly or UnKnowingly, EveryOne involved.”
“He Used and Abused his Family’s Trust in him, and in the Sacred Vows and Protective and Sustaining Institution of Marriage in Bad Faith.  He Used and Abused his so-called Lover in the Negative Energies of Bad Faith, no matter how wide-eyed they both were about entering into their Sinfilled relations.”
“It’s a Toxic Situation with Lifelong, Seen and UnSeen Ripple Effects.  In Essence and in Actuality, Everybody loses.”
“So, young’uns, the Real Problem is Promiscuity, not mere homosexuality.  Homosexuality is a secondary outlayer, that all of us are still grapplin’ with.  We need to address the Societal Problem of Promiscuity.  It’s the Real Societal Poison, producin’ Broken Hearts, Broken Minds, Broken Bodies, and Broken Lives.”
“Now, as all of y’all probably know already, I’m old and set in my ways.  I’ll never really feel comfortable with Homosexuality, other than watchin’ a couple of same sex cows or dogs hump and bump out in a field somewhere.  But, if I’m given a Choice between a World in which Homosexuals are driven into Hopeless Promiscuity because all of the rest of Us Good Christian Folks or Governments are chasin’ ’em down and pushin’ them out and away from any kind of Stability in Life - any real Success in Life or Society.  Keepin’ them from promisin’ Sacred Vows of Trust and Longevity and Financial Union with one another, and to all of the rest of Us in Community, like all of the rest of Us has the Great Good Fortune to have a Right to, then I Choose a World of Inclusion not Exclusion, because, in the Long Run, that kind of World Benefits EveryOne.  Especially, since as a Christian, I am of the opinion that that is the kind of World Christ wanted and wants for EveryOne.”
“After all, we ’re all warm-blooded Human Beings with Tool Usin’ Opposable Appendages.  I say Thumbs Up to Adaptation !”  Uncle Bill grinned widely, throwing his crooked right Thumb up proudly up into the air. 
“I’m thinkin’ that the Duckmeisters should stick to Duck Callin‘, mashed potato-and-gravy Comedy, and makin’ millions offa’ the rest of us like the good Free-Wheelin’ Capitalists that they are.”
“Now, Saul, maybe you’ll think twice before tryin’ to sidetrack me from my card game again.  ‘Cause I just happen to know that you have my other two queens in your hand, ‘cause I always keep my Eye-on-the-Ball.”
“Now, give ‘em up, Boy, ‘cause I’m ready to homogenize my pretty little queens, and lay out my Gin-Rummy winnin’ hand.  Quack-quack-quack-quack-quack-quack !”  Uncle Bill sputtered out his much practiced Donald Duck impression through his hollowed, calloused fist with a great amount of satisfied amusement.
“Think we should start our own Reality TV show, Young’uns ?  Uncle Bill queried.

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